GOLDACRE, Slimmer’s World, Saturday (NotScientist) — Atkins-style low-carbohydrate diets can cause memory problems after only one week, researchers have found.

“That’s ridiculous,” said Cheryl Cole, a devotee of the diet. “That’d make yer stupid, ennit.”

Weight loss is a perennial issue in a society of abundance. One in four children are overweight when they start primary school and one in three are too fat by the time they leave. But fad diets, popularised by celebrities, where the subject does a single thing in the hope of effects without significant effort, rather than general reduction of energy intake and increase of energy use, are potentially dangerous.

“That’s ridiculous,” said Cheryl Cole. “That’d make yer stupid, ennit.”

Amy Winehouse is writing up her own celebrity diet tips book, helped by her imprisoned husband Blake Fielder-Civil. “Going out for munchies at 3am is vital, and you gotta have vodka, not beer or wine. Also cigs, they make you thin and sexy, like me. My brain’s in PERFECT ORDER and tell those fucking pixies and giant lobsters behind you I said so. Fuckers.” Ms Winehouse also announced her own designer celebrity perfume, available in powdered form.

Gillian McKeith has offered a new crystal-based dieting method that involves chakra harmony, cosmic reflexology and coordinating one’s qi field to wipe out one’s IQ field. “This method helps strip off the pounds in no time,” said Dr Ms McKeith, “and send them to my bank account, where they belong.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said Cheryl Cole. “That’d make yer stupid, ennit.”