RATZINGER, County Cork, Tuesday (NNN) — The Rt Rev Patrick O’Donoghue, the Bishop of Lancaster, has claimed that Catholic university graduates are spreading scepticism and sowing dissent.

The bishop complained that influential Catholics in politics and the media were undermining the Church, particularly his bits of it. “The relentless diatribe in the popular media against Christianity has undermined the confidence of the ordinary faithful in the Church,” he said, “and certainly not the paedophile scandals or anything.

“What we have witnessed in Western societies since the end of the Second World War is the development of mass education on a scale unprecedented in human history, resulting in economic growth, scientific and technological advances, and the cultural and social enrichment of billions of people’s lives. Needless to say, we can’t possibly stand for this.”

Educated Catholics “set a bad example” and corrupted the faith of the working classes who had not gone to university. “Fancy book learning leads to doubt, doubt leads to questions, questions lead to a visit from the Holy Inquisition!”

Nicholas Lash, the former Norris-Hulse Professor of Divinity at Cambridge University, called the bishop’s comments “mind-bogglingly stupid” and asked that people please not pay attention to the drooling idiot in the silly hat. “At least, not this particular idiot in a silly hat … I’ll shut up now.”