PEASHOOTER, Beanotown, Friday (D. C. Thomson) — Zac Goldsmith, 7, of Richmond, has engaged in a furious row over his parents’ investigation into just who got into the biscuit tin, fed chocolates to the dog and wrote ‘ZAC WOZ ERE’ in strawberry jam on the counter.

Mr Goldsmith repeatedly denied he had done anything wrong — insisting he had followed exactly the same practices in declaring his use of the kitchen as every other petulant child. But he only agreed to address the issue after a heated ten-minute spat with his mother and father over whether they had previously refused him a right to reply to accusations of having “bottled out” of bath time the previous week.

Interviewed about the mess in the kitchen, Mr Goldsmith angrily refused to talk about the biscuit, chocolate or jam claims unless his mother first apologised for what he said were “lies” about him declining to appear in the bathroom Friday night. “I won’t talk about the specifics until I get this point across,” he said, accusing his mother of deliberately “misleading” his father by saying he had turned down bath time requests in favour of happening to be playing in the field behind the house. “You knew that was not true at the time, you know it’s not true now,” he told her. Each time he was questioned about the kitchen, Mr Goldsmith instead insisted on pressing her about the non-appearance at bath time, at one point calling her a “charlatan.”

Mr Goldsmith’s father proceeded to tan Mr Goldsmith’s backside a very fetching bright red colour, while commending the boy on his persistence in maintaining his position. “He will go far,” said Sir James. “Possibly to the gallows.”