Reasons to vote Conservative: Replacing public services with volunteers and churches is necessary to inspire a new Charles Dickens.

Reasons to vote Labour: Top-down central planning of society works and is effective.

Reasons to vote Liberal Democrat: Everyone is middle-class now, they just don’t know it yet.

Reasons to vote Green: Science is a Big Pharma conspiracy and homeopathy works.

Reasons to vote Scottish National Party: Who?

Reasons to vote Pirate Party: Cheryl Cole could go back to stacking shelves for a living.

Reasons to vote Respect: You have none for yourself.

Reasons to vote United Kingdom Independence Party: We don’t want to become the new Belgium. Instead, we should become the new Albania.

Reasons to vote English Democrats: Because you’re too lame even to vote UKIP.

Reasons to vote British National Party: actually, you’ve got me there. There are no reasons to vote BNP.

“OUR ONLY HOPE”: that of Rebekah Brooks and Dominic Mohan not to be down the JobCentrePlus Friday morning.