Category Archives: South America

Religion, South America, United Kingdom

Y2012 problem: Mayan calendar runs out

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FINDHORN, Astral Plane, Age of Aquarius (NNN) — The New Age spiritually aware around the world are running up against the end of the Mayan Long Count Calendar. Mayan date 12.19.19.17.19 will occur on December 20, 2012, followed by the start of the fourteenth cycle, 13.0.0.0.0, on December 21st.

Blue screen of StonehengeThe event was first flagged by megalith scientist Terence McKenna. The end of the thirteenth cycle would break many megalith calculations — which conventionally use only the last four numbers to save on standing stones — with fears of spiritual collapse, disruption of ley lines, Ben Goldacre driving the chiropractors back into the sea and the return of the great god Quetzalcoatl and the consequent destruction of all life on earth.

Megalith programmers from 4000 years ago are being dredged up from peat bogs and pressed into service to get the henges updated to handle the turnover in the date. “It could be worse,” said one. “I could still be programming COBOL.”

Sceptics may choose the Winter Solstice on December 22nd (13.0.0.0.1) to attack, to take advantage of weakened qi. In case vital services are temporarily cut off, spiritually aware persons should stock up on crystals, copies of Sun Signs, a duly blessed tarot deck and other essentials. “They should get as well a suitable selection of blessed Hopi ear candles,” said Y2012 consultant Ravenwoo Granola, DD, 31°, Ph.D (Univ. P.T. Barnum Mail-Order), “unicorn posters, holistic medicines, Silver RavenWolf books, purple clothing, protective pentacles — earrings for the ladies, pendants for the gents — make sure the house is absolutely robust in feng shui, your energetic vibrations are aligned and your Eostre rituals are up to date and keep only homeopathic quantities of money around. I’ll be happy to take on the danger of handling the rest. Here’s a price list. Everyfink for the spiritual survivalist.”

Others dismiss the problem. Sandra Noble of the Foundation for the Advancement of Mesoamerican Studies considers the Y2012 problem “a complete fabrication and a chance for a lot of people to cash in.” However, Y2012 consultants deride “2012-deniers” for having their heads in the sand as to the vast and overwhelming spiritual importance to humanity of keeping their consultancies rolling.

Politics, South America

Hugo Chávez speeds up Bolivarian Revolution

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RUHNAMA, Niyazov, Monday (NNN) — Hugo Chávez has promised to speed up “the construction of true socialism” in Venezuela now that he can stand for re-election indefinitely. “We have exploded the barriers to a permanent socialist revolution.”

Gold statue of Turkmenbashi“Chávez has changed Venezuela from the sky right down to the earth,” said the completely typical Venezuelan citizen our reporter was supplied with. “Now there are opportunities for all, from the richest to the most deprived. The people love him. We cannot go back.”

Chávez has already taken control of the country’s vast oil wealth, expropriated private landholdings and businesses and instituted a programme of deep social reforms. He has attacked the “distribution of wealth” problem by destroying as much of it as possible. After Chávez promised to nationalise the biggest power and phone companies, the Caracas Stock Exchange closed nearly 20% down, Electricidad de Caracas fell 25% and CA Nacional Telefonos was suspended from trading. The Venezuelan Bolivar has been replaced in common use with twigs and small rocks, which suddenly have much greater practical exchange value.

Chávez next wants to merge all his coalition partners into a single party, remove the opposition television channel, nationalise key businesses and rule by decree for a year. However, construction of a one-hundred-metre tall gold statue of himself in the Caracas city square that turns to follow the sun will be delayed until next year, and renaming the days of the week and months of the year after himself and his mother can wait until the year after.

Fidel Castro expressed his confidence that Chávez was in no danger from the US. “This is the CIA we’re talking about,” said Castro. “They could fuck up a wet dream. Hey, maybe they’ll try the exploding cigar trick again. That’s a good one.”