MISS PRICE’S FINISHING COLLEGE, Essex, Thursday (NTN) — British teenage girls have “the worst binge drinking culture in the Western world” and need better advice on getting smashed with style and elegance.

Half of all 15-year-old girls cannot distinguish Merlots per region, while more than a quarter of 16- and 17-year-old girls are unable to tell a genuine French champagne from méthode Champenoise sparkling wines made in other regions. The bankruptcy of several chains of off-licences has led to a terrible information deficit, with local corner shops unable to reliably advise which superlager best goes with a kebab and chips.

The Demos report sets out recommendations for a youth policy to “empower” young women. “Ministers need to address the underlying problems of low self-esteem and poor parenting during younger girls’ early years, with wine appreciation lessons added to the National Curriculum and annual standardised testing on cork extraction with a flick-knife.”

The report also addresses the damage binge drinking can do, with the risk of camera phone photos showing up on Facebook of girls puking in the gutter while wearing Claire’s Accessories tat.

The government has responded to the report by mooting a special tax on “underclass” alcohol, thus giving people the get-up-and-go entrepreneurial business incentive to make bathtub moonshine and cost the NHS a fortune due to methanol poisoning.