HOT HOT HOT, Slice the Salami, Wednesday (NTN) — Pizza Express will train customer service staff in charm, small talk, flirting and the secret arts of workplace seduction.
Coaches have been brought in to raise employees to a professional standard of temptation all but guaranteed to ruin the judgement of any red-blooded customer and leave them wondering why they thought a Thursday three-for-two deal was a good idea.
“Social media web 2.0 texting eff-two-eff,” said marketing marketer Emma Woods, “compelling story passionate customer service unique techniques complete redefinition of restaurant experience stop me before I kill again. Free garlic bread, happy finish extra.”
New staff are shipped in from eastern Europe under pretence of working in a brothel, only to find themselves confined to a small suburban high street pizza shop in the slums of Richmond and forced into the most degrading emotional labour and pretence of giving a damn. The company controls them by threatening to release photographs of them eating the food.
Turning the staff into bar girls is considered cheaper and more feasible than serving edible meals.
Don’t forget the courses in convincingly lying to customers about why the two-for-one offer is off this week because the moon is in the wrong phase and it’s only a two-for-one offer if you come in with six thousand other people which is clearly stated on a piece of dirty paper in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying ‘Beware of the Leopard’.