PHEW WHAT A SCORCHER, Global Warning, Thursday (NTN) — Climategate, announced in front-page headlines by every newspaper worldwide, has ended with the scientists involved being cleared of all accusations, as noted in passing in a single paragraph on the bottom of page 76 underneath the prostitute classifieds.

Sceptics were outraged that Dr Phil Jones of the University of East Anglia got his job back for no better reason than that he hadn’t actually done anything wrong.

“We are appalled and outraged,” said Lord Lawson of the Global Warming Policy Foundation, “after the resources we poured into getting this story about. The scientists’ failure to spend nine hours a day answering hundreds of Freedom Of Information requests from our supporters, just because they wanted to do their so-called ‘science’ instead, is prima facie evidence of their moral turpitude. Mismarking a graph from 1870 with temperatures 0.1 of a degree out probably indicates paedophilia as well.

“We have commissioned our own inquiry into the way these three inquiries were set up and run,” he said, “and, when we have the results written up in a week or two, we should be able to start calling witnesses in. I don’t know anyone among the critics who has been swayed by the first two. Perhaps if we were offered more money.

“We must stress again that this ‘science’ rubbish is held in vastly excessive regard and can only lead to a diminished quality of life for all of humanity, or a portion thereof. Christ, I might have to go back to the Tobacco Institute.”