THE NINTH CIRCLE, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — Lucifer, the Angel of Light and Ruler of Hell, has undertaken an unEarthly deal with Peter Mandelson to hold on to power.

In return, Hell will be able to keep one hospital, two schools and a single public toilet in the face of government cuts, although the recruitment of doctors, nurses and teachers will continue to depend on the death rate of priests, nuns and those who are struck off the GMC register for gross misconduct in Staffordshire. Litterers will continue to be responsible for voluntary street cleaning.

Lord Mandelson has done a roaring trade in second-hand souls. Recent sellers include Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. Six thousand years ago, Lucifer famously led the rebellion in Heaven after offering to sell his soul to Mr Mandelson for success. The deal fell apart, however, as all such Faustian pacts do, with Lucifer reassigned to a new job as Satan, Prince of Lies, in the bowels of Hell at the centre of the Earth, intermittently being prodded with a pitchfork by Alastair Campbell.

“Peter did apologise for the job change, returned my soul only slightly soiled, and explained in detail how casting me into disgrace in perpetuity was absolutely necessary to the stability of the system,” said Lucifer. “Practical process and a functional Constitution are, of course, of vast importance. After all, six thousand years and not a single coup d’état in Heaven! … Wait a minute …”

Lucifer was not entirely convinced of the merits of the Digital Economy Bill. “But anything that helps the record companies helps me, I do have management slots to fill.”

Lucifer was sceptical as to David Cameron’s chances of success at appearing to sell the Tories’ souls to Heaven. “At least I’m sure of a place in Hell after June,” he said. “Imagine being damned to Westminster for all eternity.”