FAT CITY, Formerly Pork, Sunday (NTN) — Panic buying and butter riots gripped the nation’s dairy cabinets after a proposal by heart surgeon Shyam Kolvekar to ban butter for the sake of public health.

“I realise he’s probably quite disgusted with having to plunger greasy geysers of chunky lard out of the arteries of bloblike creatures that subsist entirely on fried food and cigarettes brought to their doors by home delivery so that they don’t have to risk accidentally doing anything resembling exercise,” said fat celebrity cook Jamie Oliver. “But this is an absolutely unacceptable imposition on the British way of life. I blame the EU myself.”

“It’s the nanny state at work,” thundered dairy farmer David Halfhead. “As if a respected heart surgeon knows anything about what damages hearts. People should take much more notice of the fat celebrity cook and the dairy farmer than the patronising opinions of some ‘expert’ who probably supports climate change. I’ve also got some Celebrity Big Brother contestants who can tell you how good butter is, if you like.”

“Balderdash,” said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “I eat nothing but lard with butter on top and a sprinkle of cholesterol, drink seven pints of strong ale and smoke an ounce of shag a day and gargle battery acid in between hitting myself with a crowbar and I’ve never been to a doctor in me life. I credit reading the Daily Mail, so my body doesn’t have to support one of them ‘brain’ things. Nothing but trouble, they are.”

“I only did it ‘cos of fame,” said John Lydon. “You don’t think I actually eat the stuff, do you?”