CENTER FOR UNEASE CONTROL, Seattle, Wednesday (NTN) — A federal court has banned Microsoft Word from sale as a poisonous substance, suspected of causing millions of brain-deaths around the world.

Microsoft Office has long been considered potentially hazardous to health, despite advertising claiming that “four out of five CEOs prefer Outlook” and most of the billions of dollars sloshing around in major banks’ credit-default swaps before the Great Recession actually having been calculated in macros in Excel.

Workers whose computers are infected with Microsoft Office are advised to press “escape,” step slowly away from the desk, break into a run and gather at the official hazardous substances meeting point, in the pub around the corner from the office.

Symptoms include nausea, irritability and short temper, hostility, homicidal impulses, loss of mental clarity, diarrhoea, mental confusion and liver damage from excess alcohol consumption.

Doctors have recommended victims of Word use OpenOffice instead, its “majestic” startup time giving one healthy pause to catch one’s breath, make a cup of tea and nip off to the loo, and its fibrous composition providing the same health-giving effects and taste sensation as eating a bowl of sawdust with milk every morning for the rest of your life. Many sufferers have instead opted to write on toilet paper with a burnt stick.