DOPE ON A ROPE, Rome, Saturday (NTN) — The Vatican® has stated that the rape© of children by Catholic™ priests is protected by a “special and unique” copyright, and anyone attempting to discuss the matter will be sued, excommunicated and declared a Suppressive Person.

“Recent years have witnessed a great increase of affection and esteem for the person of the Holy Father™, L. Benedict Ratzinger®,” said the statement. “As such, any person or organisation seeking to name, defame or allude to His Holiness®, any of his Bishops™ or Priests™, or any activities of any of said persons in any capacity, shall be deemed to have violated the Sacred Covenant of Berne, to be a ‘no case gain’ Suppressive Person and to be duly excommunicated and sued into atomic dust. ALWAYS ATTACK, NEVER DEFEND.”

Evidence only recently brought to light, “which we can’t show you, it’s copyright,” apparently demonstrates that playwright William Shakespeare™ was secretly Catholic. “So we’re claiming copyright in everything he did too. And Francis Bacon™. And the Earl of Oxford™.”

The Church’s lawyers have worked hard to defend their intellectual property rights on such creative works as those of the Irish priests upon their young charges that only recently came to light. “Our determination to protect and preserve the rights to view, discuss or know about these three-dimensional kinetic performance works, and our tour support for the priests to take these works ‘on the road’ to new parishes, demonstrates the unimpeachable sincerity of our stance — firmly behind the artists. Legs wide, of course.”

The Pope™ himself has been appalled at the reaction to his recent decision to beatify Adolf Hitler, and described his visit to the Pius XII memorial as “an upsetting encounter with cruelty and senseless hatred. I didn’t like it much either.”