RAGE AGAINST THE DIFFERENCE ENGINE, Goldacre, Friday (NTN) — The government has adopted a “zero tolerance” approach to science in the UK, in the hope of purging the country of it completely before they lose the next election.

The Science and Technology Facilities Council announced on Friday a five-year £2.4 billion investment strategy in world-leading multi-disciplinary public-private partnership, designed to deliver maximum administrative, societal, international and economic benefit to the United Kingdom or a very small proportion thereof.

“These ‘scientists’ cause nothing but trouble,” said home secretary Alan Johnson, “inventing nuclear Bletchleys, leaking wikis all over poor Peter and claiming in public that we should use their ‘evidence’ to make decisions without considering policy even in passing, let alone front and centre. I think it’s clear they are not merely misguided, but actually treasonous.”

Particular targets include all physics and astronomy research. “People looking to the skies will only aspire to some sort of better world outside our wonderful country,” said Gordon Brown. “These people just despise Britain and everything we stand for.”

Lord Drayson, the minister for technology and innovation, struggled to come up with something nice to say about the Science and Technology Facilities Council, eventually noting that they dressed well and showed up to most meetings on time, when not unduly confused by doors marked “PULL” that refused to push open properly.

After a series of lawsuits brought in front of Justice David Eady, science and technology will be replaced with homeopathic physics and chiropractic medicine, to be made mandatory on the NHS and regulated by the Daily Mail. Arithmetic will also be checked for ideological correctness before being applied to the ballot papers.

British scientists and engineers were unanimous in their response to the move. “We’re all learning Chinese,” said recent astronomy Ph.D. Mike Peel.