X Factor contestants are grown in vats in a factory in south Wales, using repurposed equipment from the Australian soap opera factories of the 1980s. The replicants are programmed with a fictional past that always involves a dead parent. In six seasons, no-one involved has yet bothered writing a second fictional past.

Their rudimentary brains are removed before filming and replaced with the control mechanism from a clockwork mouse, doubling their IQs and improving their personalities.

Dannii Minogue is an all-Australian suburban android who has come to Britain to annihilate humanity after failing quality control in the Australian vat factory and escaping into the desert.

Louis Walsh bought the factory equipment from the Reg Grundy corporation in the late 1990s, with several false starts employing its products in Ireland.

The X Factor mentoring process involves poking the contestants with sticks while still in the vat. Ethics societies had originally expressed grave concerns, but, after interviewing the vat creatures and assessing their personalities, have unanimously heralded the process as not merely acceptable but a moral imperative, and asked when they could have a go too.

Cheryl Cole does not understand how her presence on the show is itself a cruel, cruel taunt.

The vat creations must snort an entire bottle of fake tan every six hours to preserve their bodies from decay. Those surviving the show can often be found on street corners, pale and shriveled, asking passers-by for fiddy pee for hair gel and pleading to let them audition for them.

Rikki Loney is actually descended from creatures who emerge from bogs to steal your children. His hair was made by his mum for him from pain, horror and the tears of dying infants.

Ben Elton cleverly satirised the X Factor process in his novel Chart Throb. Mr Elton prefers more artistically substantial endeavours in his own work, such as a gratuitous sequel to Phantom of the Opera set in America. Next you know he’ll try writing a West End musical based on the works of the Sex Pistols. Can’t wait to see what he does with “Bodies”.

Simon Cowell hates you more than you will ever know. Although if you watch X Factor you might get an inkling.