SEVENTH HEAVEN, London WC2, Saturday (LNBT) — The first London tourist office specifically for LGBT (which stands for “Young, White, Gay, Male and Middle-Class”) tourist needs will be opening later this year.

The idea is the brainchild of a gay bar owner, who plans to run it out of the ground floor of the bar in question. “All people of all sexual orientations, cultures and diversity should be able to come to London and know where to go to feel fully free to be their young, white, gay, male and middle-class selves. We take diversity seriously in the gay scene. And, er, B, L, T. We do serve sandwiches. Yep.”

The service will provide young white middle-class gay men of all colours, ages, gender identities and backgrounds with the important nuances of local information: which bar in Soho playing deafening techno has selfish, two-timing prick tease bastards, which bar in Soho playing deafening techno has miserable, bitchy queens and which bar in Soho playing deafening techno will leave you feeling generally depressed, fucked over and ripped off. It hopes to expand to bars in Vauxhall playing deafening techno by early next year.

“We will of course take the ‘L,’ ‘T’ and ‘B’ seriously. Lesbians are welcome in the bars as long as they don’t try to get in on Fridays or Saturdays, and those trannies are welcome provided they have the proper paperwork certifying their claimed gender. We’d happily cater for bisexuals if they existed and weren’t just fooling themselves.”