WHITEHOUSE, Whitehall, Friday (NNN) — The Government has announced that Criminal Records Bureau checking will be extended to every resident of the UK, for the urgent protection of the children and the relief of the national budget deficit.

“Statistically, the overwhelming majority of harm visited upon children is because of a relative,” said Ed Balls, Minister for Thinking of the Children. “But admitting that’s not electorally viable, so we have to blame unnamed predators. Preferably brown ones.”

The latest stage of NonceCheck™ will lead to 11 million people needing a certification that they have not, for example, been booked by a policeman for urinating in public or being gay or something. Giving children lifts to sport will also require certification.

“If the vetting and barring scheme stops just one child ending up a victim of a paedophile, then it will be worth it,” said Mr Balls. “Every council worker in the country being able to look up every detail of your life at their convenience and a general atmosphere of paranoia are just bonuses.”

The scheme will be extended into other areas. Obtaining a bank account will first require paying £64 to the CRB to prove that you are not and have not in the past been a bank robber, with only three to six months’ delay. Going to the supermarket will require a CRB certification that you do not inflict perversions upon vegetables. Buying a computer will require a CRB certification that you have never even heard of 4chan.

Further planned innovations include requiring a CRB check for breeding, with uncertified children to be put into care, and sex to be deemed consensual only upon the filing of a CRB check before each act of intercourse.

“We fully subscribe to the doctrine of ‘innocent until proven guilty,'” said Mr Balls. “We’ve just made it mandatory for you to buy certification of your innocence in advance.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!