EUROTRASH, Antoine de Caunes, Tuesday (NNN) — The great Scottish British English tennis ace Andy Murray stunned observers with his brilliant moral victory over the Spaniard Chilean Fernando González at the French Open in Roland Garres on Tuesday afternoon, showing these people-who-begin-at-Calais what-for and romping home with one brilliant set to the Chilean’s robotic and soulless three.

“He correctly identified the ‘ball,’ a round object that one apparently hits with a ‘tennis bat’ — or ‘bat de tennis,’ to use the Continental term — over a ‘net,’ at least three times out of every four,” said veteran Telegraph sports commentator Ian Chadband. “With this level of skill on tap, continued and unstoppable British dominance of all known sporting endeavours is absolutely assured.”

The Chilean pretender disgraced himself, his country and the entire Hispanic race with his silly headband, quite ridiculous metrosexual stubble, childish yellow shirt and brutish retreat to mere thuglike physical force and accuracy over the considered, reasoned, subtle planning and brilliance employed by our chap Murray. “His comical hot-blooded Latin fist-shaking whenever he technically ‘won’ a ‘point’ was particularly amusing. One more such victory and they are surely ruined.”

The wily French openly conspired with their South American crony to set up their Open on a primitive artificial clay court, rather than the proper grass field favoured by gentlemen. “Still, educating such backward savages is the white man’s burden and why we have an Empire,” noted Chadband.

“‘Gonzo’! What sort of puffery is a name like that, I ask you? Such foolishness in the noble game of tennis just isn’t cricket.”

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