CYBERSPICE, Brass Eye, Monday (NNN) — The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, a leading charity promoting the cause of itself, has released a survey showing that nearly 75 percent of kids in UK have been disturbed by images they saw on the Internet.

“Children are just a few clicks away from innocently stumbling across upsetting or even dangerous pictures and films,” said NSPCC policy advisor Zoe Hilton, “such as NSPCC telly ads about how your parents are going to punch the shit out of you, or documentaries of NSPCC claims that satanic ritual abuse existed. And also, give us money or you’re a paedo. Paedo. Paedo. Paeeee-do.”

Ms Hilton also stressed the need for manufacturers to incorporate advanced parental controls and protection mechanisms in computers. “Children can best be protected by installing a meter that takes 20p per page viewed and sends the money to the NSPCC. Or you might as well be raping and killing them yourself. You sickening shitbag.”

Ms Hilton added that video hosting and social networking sites should monitor content posted on their sites and remove all offensive material immediately. “That this is impossible to enforce worldwide means we’ll just have to keep demanding it and sending out press releases asking for money. You filthy bastards, molesting children through their eyes. You vile noncey fuckers should be lynched. But bung us twenty quid and we’ll say no more, eh.”