Windows $NEXT_VERSION will floor all comers

Guest post by Mary-Jo Enderle

BORG CUBE, RedMonk, Tuesday (NNGadget) — I have seen the future: Windows $NEXT_VERSION Milestone $MOCKUP.

The Seventh Circle of WindowsI tried it on a low-end laptop with four Core 2 Duo chips and only 8 gig of memory, and trust me: $NEXT_VERSION is shaping up to be one heck of a product.

WordPad and Paint have seen major overhauls to their user interfaces. Forget the freetards and their “distros” full of all sorts of useless shovelware like “FireFox” and “OpenOffice” and, haha, “GIMP”! — the bundled software with Windows $NEXT_VERSION is clear, simple, sparse and to-the-point. The much-loved Ribbon user interface from Office $HATED_VERSION is now part of WordPad and Paint!

The controversial Digital Rights Management system in $CURRENT_VERSION has been worked over, with user-downloadable “tilt bits,” which you can configure to your own liking. It’ll require every user to supply a blood sample for DNA analysis, and the beta nearly took my finger off, but of course that’s only if you want to play premium content. The Blu-Ray™ of Battlefield Earth was unbelievable on this operating system.

A public beta should be released by the end of this year. There’s just no way that Steve “Trains Run On Time” Ballmer will miss the Christmas deadline. The final release should leave the midnight queues on $CURRENT_VERSION release day — the street riots, the water cannons, the rubber bullets — in the shade.

I am so excited about $NEXT_VERSION of Windows. It will go beyond just solving all of the problems with $CURRENT_VERSION, it will be an entirely new paradigm. Forget about security problems, those are all fixed in $NEXT_VERSION. And they’re finally ridding themselves of $ANCIENT_LEGACY_STUFF.

Also, there’ll be $DATABASE_FILESYSTEM. It’ll be awesome!

I wonder how $NEXT_VERSION will compare to $NEXT_NEXT_VERSION.

11 thoughts on “Windows $NEXT_VERSION will floor all comers”

  1. @Stephen – Geeez buddy, chill out. This is parody at it’s finest. You probably didn’t care about his reference to cat-piss-smelling Linux users and vain Apple users did ya? I sure as heck didn’t. Calm down and laugh at the rest of the world instead of trying to defend it. You’ll feel much better.

  2. @Stephen – You may be right in some points, but please, please, please, for the sake of users and programmers, do not refer to Open Source and Free Software as Freeware. Open Source implies the source code is given, but it can be free (as in free beer) or you can pay for it. Free software, in the other hand, means you can do anything with it (as in freedom of speech). Freeware is just gratis software, closed source usually. All GNU/Linux distros are open source, but not all are gratis. If you really care to know more check .

    Great post by the way! :D

  3. Not that there’s anything wrong with free beer, though. No one ever imagined Homer dreaming “Hmmmm, free software… arhhh..” :B

  4. Where is the free beer? Do we have to sign up for it or do we just show up like a Moscow 1980’s toilet paper giveaway?

  5. “@Stephen – Geeez buddy, chill out. This is parody at it’s finest… Calm down and laugh at the rest of the world instead of trying to defend it.”

    Actually, apologists get paid do defend at any cost to reality, hence the over-verbosity and contrived twist to make the readers misinterpret this article as an attack on the users rather than MS’s management.

    “You’ll feel much better.”
    Actually, no, because then Stephen won’t get paid and will have to get a real job.

  6. I can see the difference… Geeks know the “$” symbol is used to mock macro/variable names and see the fun, while your average John Q. User sees the dollar sign all over the place and thinks the author an anti-capitalist un-American Freetard ;)

    What I’m trying to say is there’s a gap between geek and non-geek perceptions of the same thing. That makes many misunderstandings and perhaps flames.

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