PAGE 3, Channel 5, Tuesday (N! News) — A-list Z-lister Danielle Lloyd, famous as that one who got kicked off Celeb Big Brother with Jade Goody and shagged them footballers and got her norks out and what was the other thing? has opened a leaked celebrity sex tape production consultancy.

“You have to make people care. Lighting, camera, sound, plot, distribution, publicity, not looking like some sort of tart, making sure you talk propah like …”

A recently leaked video shows Ms Lloyd naked, looking at and talking directly to a camera she was completely unaware of at the time. “That was never deliberate!” she said, speaking to the Daily Tits. “Phone cameras are rubbish. And that was two boob jobs ago. I just can’t believe anyone would stoop so low as to film me behind my back.” Ms Lloyd is “desperate” to stop the release of the tape to the Internet, which fans can help alert her to by comparing any alleged Lloyd nude footage to the samples available on daniellelloyd.com for £5.99 a download.

Ms Lloyd recently visited America, interviewing local official stalker candidates with the Daily Tits team and getting a “spiritual” tattoo down the back of her neck in Hebrew lettering reading “Idiot Gentile Bimbo.” She also got engaged to her boyfriend, DJ Sarcastik, and modelled her fabulous new diamond in several sets of thong bikini shots.

Ms Lloyd has also come out strongly against drugs. “They make you stupid, innit.” She recently appeared in her seventeenth celebrity nude calendar this year to support rehabilitation for chronic bottled tan snorters.