US beheads hydra, saving world from terrorism

CHRISTIANABAD, Pakistan, Monday (NTN) — President Barack Obama has announced that the hydra has been conclusively beheaded by US forces in Pakistan.

Multi-OsamaMr Obama said it was “the most significant achievement to date in our nation’s effort to defeat the hydra. We can all rest safe now.”

The hydra’s head was buried at sea, to prevent the grave becoming a shrine. “But trust us — we got the actual hydra, all right. You know how good we are with getting this stuff right.”

World leaders expressed their relief at the hydra having been utterly and completely stopped by cutting its main head off, except those party poopers at Hamas who dared suggest that there was something quite important about hydras and cutting their heads off that had slipped their minds for the moment.

For many, the bigger question is whether, in the longer run, the hydra’s organisation can survive. “The absolutely final and complete really truly killing of the hydra puts the group on a path of decline that will be difficult to reverse,” said the President.

“I suddenly feel much better about America and no longer have any thoughts of revenge whatsoever,” said one Afghan teenager whose entire family had been killed as collateral damage by a US bomb. “U-S-A! U-S-A! Coca-Cola! Fox News!”

US citizens are encouraged to apply to hold official celebratory street parties, under the close supervision of the Department of Homeland Security and the Transport Safety Administration, so that their freedoms may stay protected.

“Mission accomplished!” said Accounts Receivable at Halliburton. Donald Trump, meanwhile, demanded the long form death certificate.

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