Ed Miliband threatens to tell Scotland’s mum on it

MILISECOND, Hollyshite, Thursday (NTN) — Labour leader Ed Miliband has warned that Labour is “heading for disaster” if Alex Salmond and the SNP continue their charge towards victory in next week’s elections.

“The SNP will use a victory in Holyrood to press for Scottish independence, threaten the union, cause plagues of frogs and make everything just horrid,” said Mr Miliband. “The stakes are crucial for the whole United Kingdom, particularly the bit with a red rose logo.”

He denied Labour’s campaign was inept and slipshod. “I would characterise it as a good campaign in every possible regard, except the bit where people want to vote for us. Obviously we need better people.”

Addressing an audience at a question-and-answer session in Portobello, Mr Miliband told them their votes could make the difference between a Labour victory or an SNP victory, but stopped when the audience started laughing and cheering.

Alex Salmond’s campaign has revolved around promises of a Scottish economic revival, with the possibility of an economy based on oil, fish or perhaps magic beans. “If we play our cards right,” he said, “we could be the next Iceland! Er, don’t broadcast that bit.”

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