WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Monday (NTN) — In a SHOCKING new commissioned press release study, a full 79% of British women are disgusting skanks who don’t spend sufficiently on the study sponsor’s marvellous packaged beauty products.

Only 21% of “feeemales” take the time to shower or bath every day, two-thirds don’t remove makeup before bed when they come home smashed after a night out, and far too few spend actual money on the sponsor’s facial cleanse products. “Despite knowing the importance of a suitably elaborate skin care regime!” exclaimed study sponsor Maxine Flint. “We tell them often enough!

“It is so important to clean your face daily and moisturise to slow down the ageing process. Also, you need to pick your genes better.”

British women were unimpressed with the survey. “At least when I collapse unconscious in a skip at 4am, I redo my lippy when I crawl out. Gorra look presennable, innit. Also, vodka works like Febreze. Just need to splash enough on. ’Scuse me.” (vomits)

Meanwhile, here’s a stock image of an apparently-naked woman in the shower, with strategic soap bubbles, and a publicity shot of a skinny Z-list “celebrity” in a bikini under a waterfall, for genuine journalistic purposes.