FRONT ROOM OF PARLIAMENT, Southminster, Tuesday (NTN) — David Cameron has made the latest in an increasingly desperate series of pleas, suggesting to Scotland that the United Kingdom become an “open union.”

“We know that Norway has recently caught Scotland’s eye. We can understand that. We like Norway ourselves. What we suggest is a more open union between England and Scotland. Scotland can sign a free-association agreement with Norway, and we won’t mind, not as long as Scotland always comes home to us. We would maybe even be up for a three-party union.”

Scottish National Party leader Alex Salmond sighed. “What England needs to understand is that it’s not just about Norway. Yes, they’ve been impressing us with their social model and sensible investment of North Sea oil money into their future. This is about England.”

Cameron looked pained. “We understand Scotland has had difficulties with England. And we’re sorry. And we can change, we promise.”

Salmond continued sighing: “You’ve said that before, and we’ve believed you. England, we’re just not that into you. It’s over.”

Cameron adjusted his fedora trilby, before replying “I bet Scotland wouldn’t be able to find another country to be in a union with, anyway. Norway is probably only interested in you because it wants to get its hands on the Shetlands, and Iceland is just not ready to commit. Frankly, Scotland should be grateful that we’re interested in maintaining the historic union between our two great nations.” He looked sad. “Besides, which, has Scotland considered what will happen to Gibraltar and the Falklands if it goes?

“Please don’t leave,” he added.

• Guest post by Abigail Brady