WELL I NEVER, The Train, commuter time (Metro) — A ridiculously small study in evolutionary psychology has found artists’ beards to be unique in the animal kingdom.

The study, published in the Journal of University Press Releases, looked at the self-reported beard scans of 21 art students and 23 non-artists.

“The beard becomes an extension of the nervous system, constituting cat’s-whisker-like receptors that directly detect artistic nuance,” said coauthor Justso McStory.

The vinyl edition of ancient caveman tribal chants, purchased on Record Store Day in honour of the goddess Eostre, was preferred in the ancestral evolutionary environment. “We have found ancient Pabst Blue Ribbon cans in the caves of Lascaux.”

A similar study last December found that male brains were more oriented to beer and football, while female brains were clearly evolved to look pretty, do housework and wear pink. This could explain why men are “better at doing this sort of science” and women are better at having the credit stolen whenever they try.

The authors note that the balance between the influence of nature and nurture is never easy to divine, and training and upbringing also plays a large role in ability. “The beardiness requirement, of course, demonstrates why chicks are no good at this stuff and should just stand at the side looking on admiringly, preferably with their tits out. It’s science, dear.”

Further stupidly small studies from the Journal show quantum healing vibrations causing cancer (particularly from reading Facebook posts about them), cannabis curing cancer (“fire kills cancer in vitro, so you need to smoke it through a bong for best results”) and a survey of bad evolutionary psychology stories in the media correlated by month. “Apparently it’s August twelve months a year now.”