GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, The Beach, Monday (NTN) — Support for the monarchy has increased over the last three days, with three quarters of people saying the Royal Wedding will cheer up the country, provided the weather holds out.

“The Royal Family unites the country,” said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “Prince Wilberforce and whatserface, Di Middlething. God love ’em!”

The majority of people believe that the Royal Family is still relevant to the country and that we would have less holidays without it. 49 per cent have firmly booked plans to do nothing whatsoever on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday even if they bother showing up at the office.

However, the possibility of rain, lightning strikes on Westminster Abbey, hails of frogs and plagues of boils on Friday has led to formerly loyal office workers breaking out the pitchforks and torches and putting in for al-Qaeda membership, and the planned Royal Wedding street party for Glasgow has been cancelled due to lack of interest. “But see if we can get Thatcher to die on the Thursday and it should be on again in style.”