WEB 0.1, Cyberspice, Saturday (NTN) — The European Union has run a simulated “cyber attack,” in which simulated outsourcing companies strike mortal blows upon national budgets for consulting fees for “cyber security” while still using Windows.

The simulation steadily reduced access to critical services to gauge how nations react, removing access to working email, letting loose old viruses and charging €300 callout fees to look at why you can’t log in.

Neelie Kroes, European commissioner for the digital agenda, said the exercise was intended to help expose short-comings in existing procedures for combating attacks on funding. “It is an important first step towards working together to combat potential online threats to essential infrastructure and the consulting fees therefrom.”

The exercise also tested how nations work together to avoid a complete shut-down of international links when internet service providers charge £50/month for a “super-fast” connection with a 20GB bandwidth cap.

The exercise was overseen by bouncing new baby quango the European Network Security Agency. “We considered just bombing Redmond, Washington from orbit, which simulations showed would have pretty much solved all attacks over the network itself,” said Dr Udo Helmbrecht, most recently of outsourcing firm EDS Capita Goatse. “But we’re not so silly as to put ourselves out of a job.”