DAS BUNKER, London SW1A 0AA,, Tuesday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown will promote a new voting system, in only slight desperation to hold onto the tattered remnants of power by any even vaguely plausible means.

The new Alternative Vote system will involve votes for Labour being counted as Labour, votes for the Tories being counted as Labour, votes for the BNP being counted as Monster Raving Loony and votes for the Lib Dems being counted as silly.

“This is part of a ‘new politics’ that will restore public trust damaged by the expenses controversy,” he said. “We can steal an election on the cheap just as effectively. See, we shuffle this vote over here. Ministers schedule debates here. This vote goes over here and is counted by the policy-based mathematician we just put into the Lords and made Minister for Hyperspatial Arithmetic. Then Peter practices his ballroom dancing on the bleached skulls of those who were foolish enough to object last time. Nothing can possibly go wrong!”

Parliament was actually surprised that the plans involved giving less power to Parliament and more to ministers parachuted into the Lords.

“I will serve a full term when, I mean if, re-elected,” said Mr Brown. “You can be sure I will be here for the full five years. Heck, we might not even need to have an election next time. Or the time after. So Peter says, anyway. I’m sure you trust him as much as I do.”