PROFESSOR JOBS’ SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS, Shenzhen, Sunday (NTN) — In its annual supplier report, Apple has admitted that its Chinese factories have employed children to build its gadgets. “Ones with a particularly refined sense of aesthetics.”

Apple revealed the sweatshop conditions inside the factories it uses. The child workers were found in a facility with high vaulted ceilings, elegantly crafted marble work benches and a classical quartet playing in the background in a corner of the floor. Young geniuses sat in their Aerons and levitated components into place with the powers of the mind, burning the famed Apple logo into the back of the assembled device with but a glance of terrifying but controlled power. Some lunches, with only an hour’s break, would involve wines of less than ten years’ vintage.

Competitors were outraged. “We are shocked, shocked to hear of Apple’s ruthless exploitation of the chilll-drennn,” said Steve Ballmer of Microsoft. “But then, what do you expect when they actually ask their suppliers about this stuff. Don’t ask, don’t tell! That’s what made the 360 great!”

Apple’s Chinese manufacturing facilities were the site of controversy last year when one young worker at Foxconn, who had teleported an iPhone home overnight, was found to have committed suicide by leaping from the top of the building, first breaking his own neck, and tearing out all his own fingernails on the way down. He was found with Apple logos carved into his back, obviously also self-inflicted. “A tragedy,” said the report.