ASSOCIATED BLACKSHIRTS, Ninth Bolgia, Easter Sunday (Daily Mail) — Our reporter ROSS SLATER, who had dreams once, arrived at the REMOTE PLACE that a Mr. JESUS BEN JOSEPH had gone, to enquire about FISH and the possibility of BREAD.

He explained he was UNEMPLOYED and was strapped for cash and food and that his wife had left her job and was not earning. In an OUTRAGE against common decency, Mr. ben Joseph told him NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT, and that he trusted this apparently WORKSHY and PROBABLY DISABLED SCROUNGER.

From there the reporter simply joined the queue with five thousand other PARASITES upon good working people such as yourselves and got himself some lovely pilchard sandwiches.

After inviting the reporter to help himself, the volunteers irresponsibly wished him a HAPPY EASTER.

Senior Tory MP Brian Binley welcomed the investigation, saying he had “always been very suspicious” of food banks, being as he is a loathsome blot on the human gene pool. It is alleged (by the Daily Mail) that many of the leeching scum are ASYLUM SEEKERS, who should be living on air as Pontius Cameron has decreed.

Slater, who would kill himself if he wasn’t already dead, will next — after a pause to solicit pictures of little girls on Twitter — be investigating the NHS, where he will go through CHEMOTHERAPY on the public purse — for FREE! — just to prove what thieving bastards CANCER PATIENTS really are.