WEST PEER, Skidrow-On-Sea, Tuesday (NNN) — Gordon Brown has given a rousing speech at the Labour conference promising the loyal Party members exciting new policies, a Labour victory and other unearthly and supernatural manifestations.

The carefully-vetted Party members, who had been checked for rotten tomatoes and cabbages at the door, spontaneously applauded for five minutes after each sentence, under the loving but watchful eye of Lord Mandelson, who spent the speech idly toying with the safety catch of a laser disintegrator that was trained upon the crowd. Mr Brown undertook that:

• Bankers will be asked very nicely not to pay themselves too much of the taxpayer’s money, or at least to do it quietly.
• Identity cards will be only slightly mandatory, and hardly absolutely required for doing anything whatsoever at all, really. Honest. Smiley faces will be put on all CCTV cameras to cheer up the populace. “Think of them as a loving elder sibling, looking out for your welfare.”
• Teenage mothers will be sent to Re-Education and Enlightenment Camps as a gateway to a network of Productivity Homes, where they can be inculcated with the true British spirit.
• ASBOs will be strictly enforced by the same team responsible for bankers’ bonuses and teenage mothers.
• J. K. Rowling will write a second series of Harry Potter books to revive the British economy. “EDS Capita Goatse have kindly offered to take on the support contract for this work. Apparently they have a very talented fellow called Kevin J. Anderson on the task already.” Kings Cross Station will be completely remodelled to match its depiction in the films.
• The venomous radioactive fanged bats, rotting zombie vultures crying “Nevermore!” and demonic naked sirens swooping around the room apparently tearing bodies apart and blinking in and out of existence are mere Tory propaganda attempting to wear our spirits down.
• Labour will soundly defeat the Liberal Democrats to become the next Opposition.

An election manual, Protect and Survive, was circulated to all members, including useful advice such as “duck and cover.”

“Now is not the time to give in, but to reach inside ourselves for the strength of our convictions!” he finished, at which point Lord Mandelson stopped the speech and led Mr Brown off the stage before he could actually attempt to put his hand down his own throat.

Lord Mandelson indicated the party’s outrage with the unspeakable rudeness of Andrew Marr’s earlier questions as to whether Mr Brown was on medication. “The implication that Gordon’s deeply sincere words were due to the influence of stupendous quantities of powerful hallucinogens lends entirely undue credence to the outrageous fabrications of right-wing bloggers,” said Lord Mandelson. “He’s actually just like that naturally.”