KIM’S HAPPY PLACE, Pyongyang, Wednesday (NNN) — North Korea has threatened to carry out nuclear missile tests unless the UN Security Council apologises for its “unseemly snickering” at their recent rocket launch falling into the sea.

“The communications satellite was successfully launched and is fulfilling its mission, sending transmissions from Pacific Ocean life in deep space,” a Pyongyang communiqué said today. “If the UN does not take back its grievous slanders, we will be forced to retaliate with the full force of our mighty nuclear arsenal. Our dad will beat up your dad too.”

North Korea conducted its first and only nuclear test in 2006, described as “completely successful” and “revealing new dimensions in gunpowder science.”

North Korea’s foreign ministry also said “the UN should apologise for infringing our sovereignty, retract all its resolutions and decisions against us and stop being big meanies. It’s so unfair!”

It also announced plans to build a light-water nuclear reactor, a domestic robot, a flying car and a “really cool thing we haven’t finished drawing yet, but expect to have ready soon as our great nation continues to make tremendous advances in crayon science.”

Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il announced a glorious 30% increase in industrial output and a 35% increase in food production as the cardboard ran out and the factories started shaping raw contaminated mud into loaves. South Korea sighed at the news and looked forward to a peace dividend similar to that reaped by Germany in 1990 when the North finally collapses and they have to clean up the mess.