SOYLENT GREY, London EC1, Monday (NNN) — The Organ Donation Taskforce has delivered its report to the Department of Health, recommending presumed consent and an opt-out system for organ donations, particularly from surplus bankers.
The “Banks for Banks” initiative was launched with tremendous fanfare today as a group of newly-redundant Lehman Brothers employees proceeded to tear their bosses limb from limb. The ice for the champagne proved adequate to the task of preserving the bodily parts until they could be taken to a hospital and scanned for sexually transmissible infections, cocaine-induced septicaemia and mad cow disease.
Secretary of State for Health Alan Johnson praised the tremendous progress Department of Health researchers had made in reprocessing City bankers into something actually useful to humanity. “London will never again want for speed humps, shooting targets or anus transplants.”
A law will be passed that City traders who opt out from the European Working Time Directive will be presumed to have consented to being rendered down. “After a few weeks of that you’re the walking dead anyway.”
Chancellor Alistair Darling promised to safeguard the jobs of 1,500 Bradford & Bingley mortgage staff for six months after the nationalisation of the bank’s lending business, at which point almost all of them started arranging to emigrate.