‘United States’ Archives
“Going Rogue” sells 500,000 copies, some read
DEATH VALLEY, Alaskan Sahara, Wednesday (NNN) — Sarah Palin, America's next Republican president, has sold half a million copies of her autobiography Going Rogue, some of which have apparently been opened and read. "The moment we got a prerelease copy," said Calvin Woodward of the Associated Press, "we cut the spine off and scanned it in [...]
Microsoft in exclusive search-engine deal with Murdoch
PIONEER SQUARE, Seattle, Monday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Microsoft is discussing paying News Corporation for the media company to remove its websites from Google and have them exclusively searchable via Microsoft Bob Hope, setting the scene for a search engine battle that could offer a ray of light to the newspaper industry, which has yet to [...]
Chrome OS’s ability to boil babies disputed by Microsoft
BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Seattle, Wednesday (NNN) — Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer played down the news of Google's new Chrome OS, designed to outdo Microsoft in quickly and efficiently boiling babies on netbooks. "Yo Sergey," shouted Ballmer, "I'mma really happy for you, I'll let you finish, but Windows 7 is one of the best baby roasters of all [...]
Dating site matches people through E. coli tests
KALLIKAK, Gattaca, Saturday (NotScientist) — Genetic testing companies are promising to match couples based on Escherichia coli testing, touting the benefits of biological compatibility and claiming a match means better personality match, better sex and conclusive proof that they match down to the asshole. "How many dating services can [...]
Goldman Sachs “doing God’s work”
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, Blind Idiot Heaven, Sunday (NNN) — Lloyd Blankfein, chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, says that "banks are doing God's work," comparable to Hurricane Katrina, the eruption of Krakatoa and the Tunguska event of 1908. "There is a balance to all things," said Mr Blankfein. "God created Heaven, and He also created the [...]
Global “vaguely giving a shit” portal to launch
ISLINGTON, Socialist Republic of North London, Tuesday (NNN) — President Barack Obama, Bill Gates and Bono are being invited to back a "vague middle-class interest portal" website, Hope Plus, to promote social politics. "A global eBay-PeaceCorps-wiki-social-media-network-community-thingy is absolutely the most useful thing the modern world [...]
Microsoft surrenders Windows perpetrators on television
KARADZIC, Seattle, Tuesday (NNN) — Microsoft has commenced its "Windows 7 Was My Idea" campaign, a series of TV advertisements required of it after its conviction in the International Computer Criminal Court in the Hague for crimes against productivity, office workers and the human brain. The advertisements feature the software developers and [...]
Microsoft renders Sidekick data completely secure
NOWHERE LAND, Seattle, Sunday (NNGadget) — Microsoft today implemented its 100% Data Confidentiality package for T-Mobile Sidekick, comprehensively protecting users' contacts, email and messages from any possible attacker. "Our data security is impenetrable," said Steve Ballmer, "and will reassure everyone of the data integrity of our [...]
Obama attacks moon while receiving Peace Prize
HELMAND, Neuschwabenland, Friday (NNN) — Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush. "We closely examined Mr Obama's record over the past nine months," said Nobel Prize committee chair Thorbjørn Jagland, "and [...]
Microsoft Windows beats all in security tests
YESLER WAY, Seattle, Monday (NNGadget) — Microsoft Windows has once again trounced all comers in security, with a recent survey showing 59% of all Windows machines on the Internet being infected with malware and under the control of botnets. Malware rose 15% just from August to September this year. Windows users continued to be stupidly [...]
