‘United States’ Archives
US builds “loving, caring” fortress in middle of London
COGS' HOME, Battersea, Thursday (NTN) — The United States has unveiled its new embassy in Britain, to impress visa-seekers with "the core beliefs of our democracy: isolationism, bureaucracy and deep, dark dungeons." "Our current embassy is fifty years old," said Ambassador Louis Susman, "and does not meet modern office needs and security [...]
Google adopts new “Do, however, be stupid” policy
WHEREVER YOU ARE, At All Times, forever (NTN) — In the wake of massive Buzz privacy problems, Google has announced that its slogan "Don't Be Evil" will be extended for the 2010s with "But Do Feel Free To Be Dangerously Bloody Stupid." "I don't see how people could ever have thought it wasn't perfect," said Google marketing marketer Todd [...]
Microsoft phases out support for Netscape 4, so there
NO MICROSOFT WAY, Infinite Loop, Friday (NTN) — Microsoft is phasing out support for Netscape 4, in retaliation for Google declaring Internet Explorer 6 a "pustulent syphilitic drunken crack whore with no mates. And bad breath. Who smells funny." Google has given up bothering to support IE6 on its sites, directing the doubtless hideously [...]
Apple launches iPad for that time of iMonth
ST STEVE'S BASILICA, Cupertino, Wednesday (NTN) — Cult leader Steve Jobs has announced the iPad, a "revolutionary" advance in stylish personal hygiene with elegant design. The iPad has a 9.7in full-colour touchpad and wings. According to the box, you can watch movies, surf the internet, listen to music, view photos, read electronic books [...]
Clinton: Internet freedom “vital” except for music downloaders
Remarks by US Secretary of State Hilary Rodham Clinton on the occasion of the massive hacker attack on US companies by an unspecified national entity. On Monday, a seven-year-old girl in Port-au-Prince was pulled from the rubble after they sent a text message calling for help. The spread of information networks is forming a new nervous system [...]
Microsoft claims nonexistence of Google “GSpot”
ADULT AREAS ONLY, Vegas Baby, Friday (AnythingThatMovesTechnica) — The perfect Google experience is a myth, say Microsoft marketing researchers at the Consumer Electronics Show. "The GSpot is a figment of technologists' imaginations," said marketing researcher Andrew Burri, "encouraged by tech news sites and freetards. Even if it did [...]
Terrorist group “Department of Homeland Security” cripples US, again
LITTLE BROTHER, Detroit, Sunday (NTN) — The American-based terrorist group "Department of Homeland Security" (the Arabic term for "Department of Homeland Security") has successfully hobbled the American economy once more. DHS stuntman Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab caused a minor conflagration aboard a Detroit-bound plane on Saturday. "It [...]
TSA locks down air transport for your own good
DOCTOROW, Schneier, Sunday (NTN) — After the Detroit Christmas firecracker incident, the Transport Security Administration now requires all US airline passengers to be strapped into their seats naked with catheters fitted, for their comfort and convenience. "It's the most efficient way to keep the country moving and let the TERRORISTS [...]
Historic “change nothing” health care bill passes
WHAT'S ON THE SLAB, Down In The Lab, Thursday (NTN) — The US Senate has approved landmark legislation that will change nothing about healthcare for tens of millions of uninsured Americans and, of course, the insurance companies. With the Great Recession, millions of Americans out of work means less insured. The bill ensures that insurance [...]
Microsoft Word recalled due to contamination
CENTER FOR UNEASE CONTROL, Seattle, Wednesday (NTN) — A federal court has banned Microsoft Word from sale as a poisonous substance, suspected of causing millions of brain-deaths around the world. Microsoft Office has long been considered potentially hazardous to health, despite advertising claiming that "four out of five CEOs prefer [...]
