‘United States’ Archives
Birthers still unconvinced Obama white enough
KENYA, Indonesia, Wednesday (WorldNetDaily) — Barack Obama's alleged long-form birth certificate has been declared fraudulent by the noble and patriotic "Birther" movement, who claim firm evidence that the President is insufficiently white. "I've seen a few Photoshops in my time," said immigrant Birther and world's oldest emo kid Orly [...]
Catholic priests flock to join TSA
SECURITY BROADWAY, Iron Curtain, Wednesday (NTN) — In the wake of Transport Security Administration staff forcing a "full pat-down" on a three-year-old child, Catholic priests have been clamouring to work for the government department. The TSA, which has apprehended only slightly less than one terrorist in its nine years of operation, [...]
Pentagon: Wikileaks “has blood on its hands, unlike us”
MENTAX, Underground, Tuesday (NTN) — US military officials have condemned the latest war document release by Wikileaks as "potentially fatal to our credibility" and leading to 15,000 more officials spending time with their families than previously thought. "The faltering forces of hacker infidels," said the Pentagon's Minister of [...]
Facebook shocked, shocked at privacy problems
SOULS 5¢, Cyberspice, Tuesday (NTN) — Facebook staff have been amazed to discover that when Facebook passes users' complete details to application developers and advertisers, some of the partner companies might accidentally let slip the information in some manner. "We are appalled at this information leak," said Facebook founder Mark [...]
Microsoft releases actual cow turd as phone
AXLE GREASE, Down Under, Tuesday (NTN) — Desperate to stay competitive against iPhone and Android mobile devices, Microsoft has released a two-pound lump of actual cow faeces that they claim constitutes a phone. Windows Mobile 7, in development for several years, strips the mobile telephone down to its fundamental essence: futility, [...]
US military bans icky nasty game
SLIGHT INDISPOSITION STAR, Communal States of America, Saturday (NTN) — Medal of Honor, a popular video game that lets you play as the unAmerican team, has been banned from US military bases as "insensitive." After moral panics, including from UK Defense Secretary Liam Fotherington-Thomas — who issued official condemnation of the [...]
Activision releases Video Game Hero
HEY HEY 16K, Need To Know, Saturday (Big K) — Activision has announced its new playalong title, Video Game Hero, in which the player immerses himself in the world of the cultural hero of the twenty-first century: the gamer. The player enters a virtual parents' basement and starts shadowing an expert game of Tetris. He works his way up [...]
Microsoft releases world’s dumbest smartphone
NO MICROSOFT WAY, Redmond, Wednesday (NTN) — Microsoft has unveiled its new Zune One and Zune Two mobile phones for unusually stupid social-networking enthusiasts in their late teens and early twenties with a higher income than their IQ. Team leader Roz Ho said the company had tried to create a Microsoft gadget that people actually wanted [...]
iPhone developer agreement: Eat a bug on camera
ONE APPLE WAY, Cupertino, Saturday (NTN) — iPhone developers are up in arms at Apple requiring them to use only Apple toolkits, sacrifice a Windows developer at their local Apple Shop every Sunday and maintain an altar to Steve Jobs in their homes. And eat a bug. Apple is famous for its rigid control over its devices, in its quest to [...]
Socialist Muslim Obama meets Atheist hate groups to destroy US
DEATH PANEL, American Heartland, the End Times (NTN) — As part of ongoing efforts to destroy everything America stands for, foreign-born election stealer Barack Hussein Obama openly conspired at the White House on Friday with his liberal Atheist masters. Representatives of the Secular Coalition for America, an umbrella group which [...]
