‘United States’ Archives
Murdered children necessary to protect your freedom
NEWTOWN, Connecticut, Sunday (NTN) — Responsible gun owners have to fight back against the atheist liberal Obamunist Euro-weenie homosexuals who think murdered leftist children in any way justify taking away our guns, the fountain of our liberty. The Community-Organizer-In-Chief wants to take your guns, yes, yours, so he can finally bring [...]
Chuck Norris facts, updated
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked gay marriage, and fell flat on his ass.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He's worrying about gay marriage.Chuck Norris’ tears cure gay marriage. Too bad for him he never cries.There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only the quivering fear of gay marriage.Chuck Norris doesn’t do pushups — he might [...]
Bing Minus to “cut off Facebook’s air supply”
YESLER WAY, Seattle, Saturday (MSBBC) — Microsoft today stealth-released its new social network, Bing Minus, automatically adding every person in the world still using Internet Explorer, such as your mother. The Bing Minus software was distributed Friday morning in an automatic urgent mandatory critical Windows security update. It will [...]
Authorities definitely closing in on LulzSec
DRAMATICA, Wackyleeks, Wednesday (textfiles.com) — The noose is tightening on LulzSec, oh yes it is, with a red-handed capture nearly almost imminent, said FBI Media Liaison today, and don't you worry about that. The drug-running terrorist paedophile probably-Chinese-government members of LulzSec have used their horrifying and "l33t" [...]
Bitcoin to revolutionise the economy
Bitcoin is a decentralised computer currency designed by self-righteous Ayn Rand-reading nerds who despise looters and parasites like, er, you. It is used to purchase Internet services, illegal drugs and pictures of naked women holding video cards. Bitcoin works by an emergent synergy of cryptography, peer-to-peer, anonymity, anarchism, [...]
Religions stimulate “Apple-like” reactions in brain
ONE INFINITE LOOP, Purgatory, Wednesday (NTN) — Neuroscientists have found that religious fervour lights up the same parts of the brain as waiting in line for your devotions at the Apple Store. The scientists were interviewed by a BBC programme exploring the fantastically lucrative and popular brands springing up around the supernatural. [...]
Microsoft opens crowdsourced legal site “CrockLaw”
O'GARA UFO FIELD, Armonk, Monday (NTN) — With the final humiliation of the SCO Group and the retirement of Pamela Jones from Groklaw, Microsoft has stepped in with sponsorship to fill "a much-needed gap." CrockLaw will be "a place where lawyers and geeks could explain things to each other and work together, so they'd understand each [...]
35 percent admit to bedroom mobile “apping”
HOT HOT HOT, Forever Alone, Thursday (NTN) — 35% of US smartphone users admit to using apps before even getting out of bed. Doctors advise the other 65% that it is "entirely natural" and "nothing to be ashamed of." The most popular in-bed activity admitted to is accessing "social networks," as respondents called it, doing air-quotes. The [...]
Skype relaunched as Windows Bing Voice™
BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Seattle, Tuesday (NTN) — Microsoft remains on the bleeding edge of innovation with its completely new-from-the-ground-up Windows Bing Voice™ Internet phone platform, formerly known as Skype. Windows Bing Voice™ was developed entirely in-house at an acquisition cost of only $8.5 billion. "Our developer teams [...]
Google, Facebook: “Do Not Track” laws mean terrorists win
CASHIER'S DESK, California Senate, Saturday (NTN) — The associations listed on this letter are writing to strongly oppose California Senate Bill 761. It would create an unnecessary, unenforceable and unconstitutional regulatory burden, as our products could get uppity and want "privacy." The measure would negatively affect products who [...]
