‘United States’ Archives
Activision releases Video Game Hero
HEY HEY 16K, Need To Know, Saturday (Big K) — Activision has announced its new playalong title, Video Game Hero, in which the player immerses himself in the world of the cultural hero of the twenty-first century: the gamer. The player enters a virtual parents' basement and starts shadowing an expert game of Tetris. He works his way up [...]
Microsoft releases world’s dumbest smartphone
NO MICROSOFT WAY, Redmond, Wednesday (NTN) — Microsoft has unveiled its new Zune One and Zune Two mobile phones for unusually stupid social-networking enthusiasts in their late teens and early twenties with a higher income than their IQ. Team leader Roz Ho said the company had tried to create a Microsoft gadget that people actually wanted [...]
iPhone developer agreement: Eat a bug on camera
ONE APPLE WAY, Cupertino, Saturday (NTN) — iPhone developers are up in arms at Apple requiring them to use only Apple toolkits, sacrifice a Windows developer at their local Apple Shop every Sunday and maintain an altar to Steve Jobs in their homes. And eat a bug. Apple is famous for its rigid control over its devices, in its quest to [...]
Socialist Muslim Obama meets Atheist hate groups to destroy US
DEATH PANEL, American Heartland, the End Times (NTN) — As part of ongoing efforts to destroy everything America stands for, foreign-born election stealer Barack Hussein Obama openly conspired at the White House on Friday with his liberal Atheist masters. Representatives of the Secular Coalition for America, an umbrella group which [...]
US builds “loving, caring” fortress in middle of London
COGS' HOME, Battersea, Thursday (NTN) — The United States has unveiled its new embassy in Britain, to impress visa-seekers with "the core beliefs of our democracy: isolationism, bureaucracy and deep, dark dungeons." "Our current embassy is fifty years old," said Ambassador Louis Susman, "and does not meet modern office needs and security [...]
Google adopts new “Do, however, be stupid” policy
WHEREVER YOU ARE, At All Times, forever (NTN) — In the wake of massive Buzz privacy problems, Google has announced that its slogan "Don't Be Evil" will be extended for the 2010s with "But Do Feel Free To Be Dangerously Bloody Stupid." "I don't see how people could ever have thought it wasn't perfect," said Google marketing marketer Todd [...]
Microsoft phases out support for Netscape 4, so there
NO MICROSOFT WAY, Infinite Loop, Friday (NTN) — Microsoft is phasing out support for Netscape 4, in retaliation for Google declaring Internet Explorer 6 a "pustulent syphilitic drunken crack whore with no mates. And bad breath. Who smells funny." Google has given up bothering to support IE6 on its sites, directing the doubtless hideously [...]
Apple launches iPad for that time of iMonth
ST STEVE'S BASILICA, Cupertino, Wednesday (NTN) — Cult leader Steve Jobs has announced the iPad, a "revolutionary" advance in stylish personal hygiene with elegant design. The iPad has a 9.7in full-colour touchpad and wings. According to the box, you can watch movies, surf the internet, listen to music, view photos, read electronic books [...]
Clinton: Internet freedom “vital” except for music downloaders
Remarks by US Secretary of State Hilary Rodham Clinton on the occasion of the massive hacker attack on US companies by an unspecified national entity. On Monday, a seven-year-old girl in Port-au-Prince was pulled from the rubble after they sent a text message calling for help. The spread of information networks is forming a new nervous system [...]
Microsoft claims nonexistence of Google “GSpot”
ADULT AREAS ONLY, Vegas Baby, Friday (AnythingThatMovesTechnica) — The perfect Google experience is a myth, say Microsoft marketing researchers at the Consumer Electronics Show. "The GSpot is a figment of technologists' imaginations," said marketing researcher Andrew Burri, "encouraged by tech news sites and freetards. Even if it did [...]
