Category Archives: United States

Fifty Shades of Grey: Dakota Johnson admits taking home raunchy items from B&Q

SPILL IN AISLE 3, Homebase, Long Weekend (NTN) — Dakota Johnson has revealed she took items home from the set of Fifty Shades of Grey – including an ornamental flowerpot and a fifteen-foot length of 2×4.

Fifty Shades sexy drill womanShe also admitted to taking hot hot hot paintbrushes, grouting and that weird triple adapter to piggyback your dishwasher off your washing machine.

The hit documentary, directed by Sam Taylor Johnson, delves into the world of suburban debauchery, with couples going out and openly purchasing do-it-yourself home improvement materials. E. L. James’ erotic handyman how-to was originally written as fan fiction of the famous Haynes manual series.

25-year-old Johnson, who plays obedient household helper Anastasia Steele, said her biggest career sacrifice was that “now the whole world can see me dressed in overalls and cement-stained workboots.” She refused to be involved with fluffy dice, however.

Johnson also confirmed she will star in the second installment of the series, Fifty Shades of Beige.

Nestlé to mulch only organic, non-GMO babies from 2015

VEVEY, Suisse, Thursday (NTN) — Nestlé will be removing all artificial flavours and colours, like Red 40, Yellow 5 and Screaming Agony 666, from its chocolate candy products by the end of 2015, replacing them with the delicious tears of malnourished infants.

Death by chocolate“Nestlé is the world’s leading nutrition, health and — hold on, is this right? — wellness company, or the first world’s at least,” said Doreen Ida, Nestlé USA Confections & Snacks president.

Consumers have long surveyed as wanting food not to contain artificial colours, flavours, genetic modifications, DNA, microwaves, wifi, chemicals or atoms, apparently preferring to eat alchemical workings using only the four humours.

“We have consulted with Food Babe on a new process, using only pure, wholesome, organic and sustainably-farmed pain and suffering, guaranteed to be from poor people in a country that isn’t yours. We know you are fully willing to make sacrifices to improve your lifestyle, as long as those sacrifices are of other people halfway around the world.”

The nourishing tears of children dying in pain are the vital ingredient in the new process, preferably those gathered from tainted formula induced dysentery. “Obviously too foolish and dissolute to use safe Nestlé privatised water!” All babies are certified to have grown up in an environment with minimal quantities of artificial chemicals, electromagnetic radiation or modern allopathic medicines.

“We never compromise on taste. Maintaining the great taste and appearance consumers expect from the chocolate brands they know and love is our number-one priority. It is technically true that a mountain of suffering goes into every bite, but we’d never let that compete with your convenience. Nestlé: Good Food, Good Life. Yours, Anyway.”

New Wu-Tang Clan album available only as no copies at all

JOHN CAGE MATCH, Praxis, Wednesday (NTN) — The Wu-Tang Clan has announced the nonrelease of their new album Once Upon a Time in Shaolin, to be made available in an edition of no copies.

Wu-Tang Clan balloon“Music is a commodity these days and we want it treated as art,” said RZA. “The LP record you listened to reverently at home gave way to the portable cassette and CD, and now the copiable and disposable MP3. But the rarer the art, the better. So we’re making the album available as no copies whatsoever. It’s artier that way.”

MODAL LOGIC PROVES THE EXISTENCE OF ONCE UPON A TIME IN SHAOLIN

(I) The existence of a perfect Wu-Tang album does not necessarily entail the existence of gratuitous suffering.
(II) If a perfect Wu-Tang album is possible, then said perfect album necessarily exists (given axiom S5 of modal logic).
(III) The perfect Wu-Tang album is possible. (This is a logical consequence of (I).)
(IV) The perfect Wu-Tang album necessarily exists (modus ponens on (II) and (III).
(V) Therefore, the apparently-nonexistent album does in fact exist, and you should pay real money for it.

The album will be unavailable as a double blank CD-R, though the band is considering refusing to offer it on blank LP and blank cassette as well. An MP3 of silence will also be withheld, as will an Apple Lossless download of silence from iTunes. The first video, “ ”, is not up on YouTube and Vimeo in the form of four minutes’ silence and a blank screen.

The album failed to be recorded at home by the band over the past several years. “Art only suffers from excessive physical realisation. In fact, the more physical realisation, the further the art falls from the perfection of the conception. So what we did was stay home in bed and think really hard about what the record should sound like. Frankly, it’s amazing. Well, we think it would be.”

The band hopes to get five meeellion dollarsss for this conceptual work. “We firmly believe that art — art! — should not suffer the petty, tawdry, bourgeois constraints of genre, media gatekeepers, critics, quality or existence. But the absolutely key point — which we’re completely clear on — is that it should be paid for with actual money.”

Mozilla announces Javascript For Heterosexuals

BAY WARD, San Francisco, Tuesday (NTN-Combinator) — Mozilla announced on Tuesday the new scripting language for Firefox: Javascript For Heterosexuals.

Overly Manly Man with keyboardJavascript For Heterosexuals, created by incoming CEO Brendan Eich, is a static, rigidly typed, prototype-based language with first-class functions, and second-class ones.

Javascript For Heterosexuals will be restricted to users in committed heterosexual relationships with at least four children, to make sure they really mean it and aren’t just claiming the “heterosexual” label as some sort of “lifestyle” choice reverse-discrimination benefits scam.

Some intolerant insufficiently-heterosexual people have objected to this use restriction. Fortunately, Hacker News posters promptly brought people’s attention to what a huge social problem heterophobia is, and labeled these people the Nazis they are. “God created ‘GET’ and ‘POST’, not ‘GET’ and ‘STEVE’!”

“Just because I have worked for insufficiently-heterosexual people not to have basic rights does not mean I think they don’t deserve basic rights,” Eich posted today. “If my views are implemented, insufficiently-heterosexual people will be treated as less than fully human — but this in no way means that my past behavior predicts my future behavior. Or that my subordinates or company partners should worry about this. I’d like people to try to understand me better.”

“We assure you that all the insufficiently-heterosexual employees at Mozilla firmly support Brendan,” the company said in a posting today, “or at least the ones who felt comfortable to speak up. Equating a company with its CEO is ridiculous. It’s not like the CEO is everyone’s boss with tremendous control over every employee’s future and the company’s future public actions.” The company followed up with a post reassuring the community that it wouldn’t actively try to break Californian employment laws.

“I have no concerns whatsoever about Javascript For Heterosexuals,” said an insufficiently-heterosexual Mozilla employee who declined to be named for this story. “There are times when you need to set aside the disagreement and commit to working together in service of the shared goal, and anyway Wikimedia doesn’t pay nearly as well.”

Other commenters have asked that you leave Brendan alone. “The great thing about creating Javascript is that whatever other terrible things you do in your life seem trivial by comparison.”

Murdered children necessary to protect your freedom

NEWTOWN, Connecticut, Sunday (NTN) — Responsible gun owners have to fight back against the atheist liberal Obamunist Euro-weenie homosexuals who think murdered leftist children in any way justify taking away our guns, the fountain of our liberty.

Hello Kitty AR15The Community-Organizer-In-Chief wants to take your guns, yes, yours, so he can finally bring his black jackboot down upon us all and enslave us, forcing us into health insurance and penury. Why isn’t he demanding gun control in Libya, huh?

The teachers in that school were heroes, and not just union-loving parasites like we said last week. They just needed guns. Us keeping all our guns and some more is what they would have wanted.

You unAmerican socialist subjects just don’t understand freedom. The second amendment was inspired directly by Jesus Christ. “Those who live by the sword shall survive by the sword.” The Lord’s words supersede all arguments and all statistics. Jesus said it, I believe it, and I’ll kill anyone who says different.

The most important thing is that everything else — mental illness, video games, no religion in schools, tax-funded abortion pills, goths — was behind all this, and not lots of people having lots and lots of guns.

Guns don’t kill people. Usually it’s blood loss, and some destroyed organs.

Chuck Norris facts, updated

  • Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked gay marriage, and fell flat on his ass.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He’s worrying about gay marriage.
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure gay marriage. Too bad for him he never cries.
  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only the quivering fear of gay marriage.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t do pushups — he might accidentally get gay-married.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to sleep every night, he would check his closet for gay marriage, if he had a closet.
  • Chuck Norris does not go opposing gay marriage, because the word “opposing” implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris already failed to stop gay marriage.
  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil to stop gay marriage. When the deal had been done, the devil gay-married him.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. Tell him how fabulous gay marriage is.

Bing Minus to “cut off Facebook’s air supply”

YESLER WAY, Seattle, Saturday (MSBBC) — Microsoft today stealth-released its new social network, Bing Minus, automatically adding every person in the world still using Internet Explorer, such as your mother.

Steve Ballmer overjoyed at Microsoft’s quarterly resultsThe Bing Minus software was distributed Friday morning in an automatic urgent mandatory critical Windows security update. It will also be available on Windows Phone 7 and BlackBerry.

“Social networking is the new primary focus Microsoft is betting the business on,” said CEO Steve Ballmer, defining “the business” as “my job.” “It’s already banned in China!” he proudly declared, although Chinese contacts deny this. Productivity has also increased in offices containing Bing Minus users.

Bloggers and tweeters are already swapping tips on how not to obtain Bing Minus invitations every time you click on anything whatsoever in IE or Windows itself.

“Facebook is definitely quaking in its boots. Who are users going to want to give all their information to, Facebook or Microsoft? I think the choice is obvious.”

Ballmer looks forward to a bright future for Bing Minus. “Whatever happens,” he said, “it’s going to suck less than Buzz.”

Authorities definitely closing in on LulzSec

DRAMATICA, Wackyleeks, Wednesday (textfiles.com) — The noose is tightening on LulzSec, oh yes it is, with a red-handed capture nearly almost imminent, said FBI Media Liaison today, and don’t you worry about that.

u r doin it rongThe drug-running terrorist paedophile probably-Chinese-government members of LulzSec have used their horrifying and “l33t” “Internet Relay Chat” skills (or “sk1llz0r,” as “hackers” call them) to break into some of the most complicatedly protected computery gadget devices on the Inter-web-thingy, particularly the ones running Microsoft Windows. Just like your computer does!!

“Fortunately,” fed an off-the-record FBI source, “we have tracked down these dastardly fiends to their festering basement lairs, where they sit all day exchanging BitCoins via their ‘four-channel’ systems. Our agents are poised right now to swoop, swoop! upon these avatars of delinquency! Multiple US agencies are involved. They might be right outside!

Authorities worry the “hackers” will get wind of the raids and scatter and burn the evidence. Repeat, the authorities don’t want the group to scatter and burn the evidence. Just so that’s clear with everyone.

LulzSec was formed by a group of Scientologists interested in Guy Fawkes. The group is named after “lulls,” which is when the four-channel system goes quiet, and “sex,” the availability of which would cause the group’s immediate collapse.

Bitcoin to revolutionise the economy

Bitcoin is a decentralised computer currency designed by self-righteous Ayn Rand-reading nerds who despise looters and parasites like, er, you. It is used to purchase Internet services, illegal drugs and pictures of naked women holding video cards.

Bitcoin works by an emergent synergy of cryptography, peer-to-peer, anonymity, anarchism, libertarianism, wasting stupendous quantities of electricity, the marketing department at NVidia, the enduring exchange value of tulip bulbs and doing all of this instead of Folding@Home.

Bitcoin successfully harnesses a hitherto-unexploited Internet resource: the vast reserves of unexamined privilege amongst computer programmers. Coins are “mined” by stealing them from people who are able to comprehend this level of computer science but still keep their Bitcoin wallet in plain text on a Windows machine.

The Bitcoin system is robustly designed to continue past the inevitable collapse of the US dollar and the world economy, as the Internet, fast computers and reliable electricity are all expected to be readily available when barbarian hordes are wandering the burnt-out post-apocalyptic remnants of civilisation.

It is completely incorrect to describe Bitcoin as a “pyramid scheme.” Technically, it’s a “pump-and-dump.”

Many common products are still inexplicably not purchasable with Bitcoins. “It’s like they don’t understand the revolutionary wonder of Bitcoin,” says Debian developer Hiram Nerdboy, 17. “I can’t get chicks with Bitcoins either. Even with my slickest Pick-Up Artist techniques! It’s as if my knowledge of economics, game theory and Bayesian epistemology didn’t substitute for understanding anything about people. But that’s impossible, of course. They’re probably just theists. Hold on, I just gotta post to Slashdot about this.”

Bitcoin was invented by Internet libertarians, in the spirit of freely-chosen individual interpersonal interactions that will bring about the utter collapse of the oppressive taint of the dead hand of government, in order to make money at your expense.

Religions stimulate “Apple-like” reactions in brain

ONE INFINITE LOOP, Purgatory, Wednesday (NTN) — Neuroscientists have found that religious fervour lights up the same parts of the brain as waiting in line for your devotions at the Apple Store.

Evil Steve JobsThe scientists were interviewed by a BBC programme exploring the fantastically lucrative and popular brands springing up around the supernatural. Religions such as “Christianity” parody the story of the semi-mythical Steve Jobs’ virgin birth, adoption by a humble Silicon Valley family, founding of Apple, expulsion from the fold, decade in the wilderness and triumphant Second Coming, in which devotees were led to enlightenment, glory and hipness.

“We suspect religions may be memetic parasites latching onto the areas of the brain evolved to appreciate Apple products,” said one scientist whose name is being withheld for protection from outraged Apple jihadis. “The scans of ‘religion’ appear remarkably similar — the adrenal glands are stimulated and the same areas of the visual regions light up. Somewhat in the shape of an apple. No, really! Apple-shaped brain stigmata! I’ve contacted Cupertino with news of a miracle, and put the scans up on eBay.”

Cupertino’s response was frosty. “To have the sacred enlightenment of the products of our saviour Steve maligned by comparison to mere witchdoctor cultist mumbo-jumbo is no less than a calculated insult. One important difference is that our stuff works. … If you hold it right.” The spokesman then compared the neuroscientist’s mother to a PC.

“The comparison is ridiculous,” said “religious” leader Joe “Happy Heil” Ratzinger. “We’re just out to make an honest buck like anyone. Well, fairly honest.”