Category Archives: United Kingdom

Charity pays Tories not to breed

SOMA, Brave New World, Monday (NTN) — Controversial charity Project Prevention is offering cut-addicted Conservatives hundreds of pounds in return for making sure they never breed under any circumstances.

Nick Clegg and crack pipeTheir motto is “stop the problem before it happens.” But the system raises fundamental questions about people’s — and Tories’ — right to have children. It has, unsurprisingly, prompted intense controversy.

“The scheme is exploitative, ethically dubious and morally questionable,” said Tory welfare campaigner Nick Clegg. “It’s an abuse of human motivations. You can’t expect a Tory, in the throes of fiscal probity, to pass up the slightest chance for a few quid. Particularly when you dangle twenty-pound notes in front of them from a fishing rod. And tell them to dance, little man, dance. Sorry, what were you saying?”

Mr Clegg claims the move dehumanises Tories. “It treats them as some sort of lesser being, one that’s not capable of higher human emotions, of love, of compassion, of care for their fellow man … well, all right, I can see their point.

“But who would be targeted next? Liberal Democrat cabinet members? The right wing of Labour? What sort of person would just slash these people’s goolies off? Look, stop applauding.”

Cyber terrorism identified as major excuse for Olympics

MISSILE COMMAND, South Bank, Monday (NTN) — A new generation of sophisticated “cyber terrorists” are to be blamed for the imminent failure of the London 2012 Olympics.

Robo-BorisAlthough the Coalition’s National Security Strategy identifies climate change, population growth, the rise of al-Qaeda and the return of Northern Ireland-based terrorism as significant problems, the document focuses on the most important threat to Britain: attacks on the economic interests of Conservative party backers.

The terrorists, hypothesised to be Internet fundamentalists devoted to copying MP3s, deriding software patents, editing Wikipedia and turning British athletic prowess into nanotechnological dust, will use artificial intelligence to hack into the ZX Spectrum that runs Boris Johnson and replace him with a slightly larger shell script.

A large-scale conventional military attack on the UK is rated only as a “tier three” priority alongside disruption to oil and gas supplies and a large-scale radioactive release from a civil nuclear site. “File sharing. That’s how they’ll destroy us all. Don’t say you weren’t warned! ACS:Law and the Ministry of Sound are just the first shots!”

The 8% cut in the defence budget will be patched with an additional £500m of spending on “all things ‘cyber,'” focused on the very finest snake oil that the party’s very dearest friends can sell.

In a joint foreword to the strategy, Prime Minister David Cameron and Deputy Cameron Nick Clegg said that there needs to be a “radical transformation” in British national security. “We are entering an age of uncertainty. This strategy should nicely put the wind up voters in time for the alternative vote referendum. Strangely enough, we both think we can get our way. This proves the deep agreement at the heart of the Coalition. Nick thinks so too, I’m sure he would if I asked him.”

Pizza Express staff to learn secret arts of love

HOT HOT HOT, Slice the Salami, Wednesday (NTN) — Pizza Express will train customer service staff in charm, small talk, flirting and the secret arts of workplace seduction.

Coaches have been brought in to raise employees to a professional standard of temptation all but guaranteed to ruin the judgement of any red-blooded customer and leave them wondering why they thought a Thursday three-for-two deal was a good idea.

“Social media web 2.0 texting eff-two-eff,” said marketing marketer Emma Woods, “compelling story passionate customer service unique techniques complete redefinition of restaurant experience stop me before I kill again. Free garlic bread, happy finish extra.”

New staff are shipped in from eastern Europe under pretence of working in a brothel, only to find themselves confined to a small suburban high street pizza shop in the slums of Richmond and forced into the most degrading emotional labour and pretence of giving a damn. The company controls them by threatening to release photographs of them eating the food.

Turning the staff into bar girls is considered cheaper and more feasible than serving edible meals.

London filled with evil witches, council warns schoolchildren

THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Wednesday (NTN) — Northamptonshire children heading to London on school trips have been warned that they are at risk from terrorists, monsters, malevolent warlocks, Muslims, for’ners and people who read and have ten fingers.

Northamptonshire County Council issued an alert to all 349 of its schools warning of the memetic evil contained in the slavering pit of depravity in question. The council introduced the measure as the current ambient nonspecific fear level in Britain is “severe,” meaning a terrorist attack has happened in the past ten years.

“It is certain that, should any child be so foolish as to go near London, they shall be lured into a gingerbread house and boiled in the cauldron lickety-spit. Placing their parents in stocks in the village square before their children can be subjected to such horrors is part of the council’s duty of care.”

Head teachers have been ordered to inform the council’s Witchfinder General of any plans for visits to the capital. Parents who fill in permission slips for trips to London will be advised by the Inquisition of the threat of them meeting persons who are not quite our sort of people at all, darling, and given the option to withdraw their children or face the Question.

Mother-of-two Rachel Peace, from Kettering, said the council’s warning seemed “a bit excessive,” and complained of the expense of torches and pitchforks in school uniform colours.

Computers turn children into Satan

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (NTN) — Children spending at least two hours a day in front of a computer monitor have been scientifically proven to turn into rapacious hellspawn, say all newspapers today.

Elle Macpherson reading the Financial Times upside-down, nudeChanging visual information, as opposed to safe and reliable newsprint, has been connected to behavioural problems and conformance disabilities in children.

“Those younger than eighteen are developmentally incapable of distinguishing between the good, wholesome products of accredited journalists and seditious content that may lead to negative thinking,” said researcher Desmond Murdoch of the University of Metro. Repeated exposure to unedited information can lead to “fear and anxiety, sensitization to the suffering of others, increases in assertive attitudes, thoughts and behaviors, social concern and possible voting,” he said. “The best science money can buy proves it.”

Outraged Internet users notified all their friends on Facebook of an email campaign to alert people to this hopelessly biased abuse of scientific publishing, attending a protest against the event by changing their listed location on Twitter and adding a logo to their icon before being distracted by the next shiny thing. Fortunately, none of them had bred or would breed.

“I met a doctor once,” said Mr Murdoch. “Or handed one a cheque with a significant quantity of zeroes on it, anyway.”

Labour leadership election: A message to voters

The battle over which New Labour apparatchik will lead a lame duck Labour Party to resounding defeat next election is in its death throes.

Peter Mandelson as DavrosThe party regards it as being of utmost importance to elect a leader who will show as little sign as possible of varying from the widely popular and well-loved New Labour programme that every single voter in Britain, particularly the Labour ones, showed their appreciation for last election. This leader can then be taken out and shot when they lose the next election.

It is understood that a token left-winger is running, so that the party can feel ideological diversity is appropriately patronised. Take care not to vote for this person under any circumstances.

Some have spoken of trying to understand why so many voters wanted to fucking kill both Blair and Brown with their bare hands, and suggested that Labour should perhaps avoid doing those things next time, or at least, showing appropriately marketable sensitivity, say they were. You will be pleased to know that they are firmly onside with the programme in its broad sweep.

The important point for all party members to keep in mind is that Peter Mandelson is to be reelected as Grand Vizier and esteemed advisor. You know it makes sense. To victory!

Don’t mention Belgium, says Catholic Church

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ON EARTH, Holy Prepuce, Monday (Vatican Rag) — The cost of the Pope’s visit to Britain this week will be outweighed by the moral benefits, said the Church, not mentioning Belgium.

Gay Pope Benedict“Nobody knows anything about religion in the UK,” said Jack Valero, the spokesman for Opus Dei in Britain. “They keep going on about institutional corruption and systematic abuse of the vulnerable. It’s as if they don’t want to talk about spirituality at all! Obviously, the bigotry against the Pope’s visit is motivated by anti-Irish racism.”

Mr Valero insisted that the four-day event was a “great coup” for the British government that would bring “huge prestige and kudos. I can’t tell you how privileged you are to pay twenty million pounds to protect such a revered and respected figure. Just think of the crowds of tourists! By the way, we’ve got tickets cheap. I can give you a bunch. Over eighteens only, obviously.”

“We were rather disappointed he isn’t coming to Wales,” said Collette Owen, head of Bangor’s Our Lady Roman Catholic Primary School. “I mean, the raping children bit, that’s annoying. I do wish people wouldn’t bang on about it so — you’d think it was the most important thing about the Catholic church. And the bit where every single Catholic church in Belgium, with no exceptions, had a priest molesting children. But that would never happen here, I’m sure of it. No Catholic churchgoer supports that sort of thing. Except by giving them money and showing up every Sunday to be counted as members of the Church and give them the strength of numbers. How dare you imply we should be at all ashamed to sign ourselves up with kiddiefuckers. Bigot! Bigot!”

The Vatican offered last year to welcome into the Catholic fold discontented Anglican traditionalists who felt small and controlled amounts of raping children was reasonable, as long as they said they were very sorry afterwards.

NHS budget in parking-led recovery

HOLDING PEN, Knacker’s Yard, Sunday (NTN) — The government has carefully balanced the NHS budget using parking fees. “The NHS remains free at the point of contact,” said health minister Simon Burns. “But we didn’t say anything about getting to the point of contact.”

In 2009, Labour health secretary Andy Burnham promised to scrap the fees. He also promised to eliminate MRSA, help alleviate the symptoms of cancer with regular use, fit anyone who asked with new robot limbs and a forehead-mounted laser cannon, square the circle and make Labour sound reelectable.

But Mr Burns said this was not a U-turn. “It’s more of a sideways shuffle, like the road sign where the car’s tracks actually cross. We practiced that manoeuvre for quite some time in opposition, so you could reap the benefit.”

NHS trusts will be able to decide individually whether to offer parking free or to continue the charges and make another £100 million that year. “I’m sure we can expect them to do the right thing.”

Mr Burns emphasised the role of the tax system in properly motivating people to health. “Parking fees are vital in keeping people away from clostridium difficile and the awful café snacks.” He also spoke of the “underappreciated” role of homeopathy in the NHS, particularly homeopathic quantities of funding.

Terry Jones burns Times paywall at Ground Zero

DESOLATION BOULEVARDE, Whopping, Friday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Terry Jones has called off his plans to burn a copy of The Times at Ground Zero tomorrow, after the paywall caught alight for half an hour on Friday afternoon.

Rupert Murdoch as GollumJones had planned to burn The Times because, he claimed, Rupert Murdoch would not rest until he had paywalled all of Google, including the remarkably lucrative Monty Python channel on YouTube. However, he was “rethinking” his plans after approximately everyone in the whole world suggested that just because it was legal might not actually make it a very good idea.

“We have made a deal with the thirty-three journalists still trapped down in the newspaper,” he said. “They will come out and Caitlin Moran will publicly recant her idiot piece from a few months ago about what an excellent idea the paywall was and how enormously pleased she was to be stuck behind it. Oh, didn’t you read that?”

The journalists have been trapped down the shaft since the first of July, and are being dribbled readers through a straw to keep them alive and focused and make them think there’s a point to being there.

“Of course, failing a recantation there will be a paywall conflagration that reaches the skies. All those lovely theoretical readers disappearing in a cloud of soot and cement dust! But I’m sure it’ll hardly be noticed and no-one will be upset.”

The “newspaper” was an ancient form of information distribution using cellulose pulp from crunched-up trees. It was popular in the early days of Google, when users would send written requests to the company enclosing a stamped self-addressed envelope and receive a reading list to take to their library, with an advertising flyer also enclosed.

Junior doctors inexplicably run screaming from medical hellholes

SHIPMAN TEACHING HOSPITAL, University of Crippen, Monday (NTNHS) — Nearly a quarter of English junior doctors drop out of their NHS training after two years of shovelling twice the shit in half the time with no guidance or funding. The government blamed Europe.

The EU Working Time Directive means that junior doctors are no longer free, as independent individuals, to work any 120 hours a week they choose, with patients reaping the full benefit of being prescribed medication by someone who is hallucinating that they are a giant psychedelic rabbit carrying a watermelon gun.

Of those who did want to continue, 22 per cent were not accepted by NHS trusts, which was obviously their own faults for not getting out there and gathering one-on-one mentoring while they wandered deserted hospital corridors at 3am.

The British Medical Association said the issue was high workloads and no consultants available to supervise. The government said there was no evidence of this, because they had taken care not to gather it.

“It’s inexplicable that so many people who have wanted to be doctors since they were three get into a hospital after years of study and quit, just because they discover that every individual moment of the job is shit and the best they can look forward to is being glorified technical support and telling sick people they’re fat for the rest of their lives, and spending the other two-thirds of their time covering someone’s arse or doing paperwork,” said the Department of Health. “It’s definitely Brussels at fault.

“But I can assure you that there will be no return to tired doctors working excessive hours. Any doctor you encounter will be fully alert from working only the proper hours allowed by law, should you ever be so lucky as to find one.”