‘United Kingdom’ Archives
NHS Direct to be replaced with Internet chat sessions
OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, It's Grim Up Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The NHS Direct telephone help service is to be scrapped and replaced with a recorded service, Internet chat sessions and a web page. The 111 helpline, already in place in non-Tory parts of England, has been a "vast success" in cost-cutting, said health secretary Andrew [...]
Zac Goldsmith calls for investigation of his parents
PEASHOOTER, Beanotown, Friday (D. C. Thomson) — Zac Goldsmith, 7, of Richmond, has engaged in a furious row over his parents' investigation into just who got into the biscuit tin, fed chocolates to the dog and wrote 'ZAC WOZ ERE' in strawberry jam on the counter. Mr Goldsmith repeatedly denied he had done anything wrong — insisting [...]
Amy Winehouse to branch out into music
BACK IN THE BLACK, Camden High Street, Thursday (N! News) — Celebrity gossip star Amy Winehouse will diversify her career to something to do with music, she told incredulous reporters today. "I've always felt a musical urge," she said today, "humming tunes to myself as I snorted the streets of Camden clean. It's gunna have these 'songs' [...]
Women may have 104 hairstyles in a single edition
WELL I NEVER, Wake Me Up Before I Stop Stop, Wednesday (NTN) — University of Metro researchers say that women can have 104 hairstyles in a single reading of a paper on the morning bus or train. The study of 3,000 women, all in the commercially desirable 20-39 office worker demographic, revealed 44 per cent changed their hair because of [...]
Church of England controversially suggests women may be human
KINGDOM OF HECK ON EARTH, Dibley, Monday (NTN) — The General Synod of the Church of England has ruled that women may technically be regarded as a variety of human, leading to international outrage and threats of a schism. Women will be considered eligible to be elected to humanity, though traditionalist Anglican priests will be allowed to [...]
Census axed as accurate information declared frivolous
PROJECT MAYHEM, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The 2011 census could be the last held in Britain, as the new government declares it much more cost-effective to ask local councils and credit reporting agencies where you live and what your religion is. First-world countries almost all use a census every five to ten years to get accurate [...]
Innovation not important, says science minister
EYE OF NEWT, Salem, Friday (NotScientist) — Science Minister David Willetts says Britain should give up this "science" rubbish and copy everyone else. "It worked for the ... Well. I'm sure it worked for someone. Look, I have a business case here." As a professor of business with a degree in politics, Mr Willetts was the obvious choice to [...]
Journalists back to core competencies as house prices do something
HIGH SOCIETY, Skid Row, Friday (NTN) — British house prices are set to go up, go down or possibly stay the same, according to relieved Daily Mail journalists looking for something to fill space with. A quarterly survey of 27 analysts showed house prices would probably do something that could be turned into copy, with editors dusting off [...]
Climategate scientists inexplicably cleared
PHEW WHAT A SCORCHER, Global Warning, Thursday (NTN) — Climategate, announced in front-page headlines by every newspaper worldwide, has ended with the scientists involved being cleared of all accusations, as noted in passing in a single paragraph on the bottom of page 76 underneath the prostitute classifieds. Sceptics were outraged that [...]
Neo-Nazis protest co-option of English flag by football fans
BORE CONSTRICTOR, Vulvalezza, Monday (NTN) — White nationalist activists have come forth in record numbers (ten or so) to sternly protest the usurpation of the flag of St George by football fans. "Our noble emblem and gathering point has been stolen," said racially-aware activist Nick Tyndale, "by Zionist World Cup marketers, suburban [...]
