Category Archives: United Kingdom

Darling on economy: “Tough titties”

PAGE 3, Financial Times, Friday (NNN) — Alistair Darling today admitted that the economy was disastrously seized up, with one in twelve London workers likely to lose their job.

Nigella Darling or Alistair LawsonAcross town, Nigella Lawson wore a low-cut dress revealing quite spectacular quantities of well-nourished breastage, with photos in all papers.

In the United States, Wall Street is melting away like Belloq’s face after Indy told him not to look in the Ark and Henry Paulson said he would not use the second $350 billion of the stimulus package, leaving the economy unpushed at a critical time and the Detroit car manufacturers on the verge of collapse.

In Australia, Nicola McLean’s breasts, which had undergone hyperinflation, were marvelously decorative and pointy and set off nicely by the other I’m A Celebrity bikini babes, Dani Behr and Carly Zucker, despite the influx of Robert Kilroy-Silk and kangaroo testicles.

Back in the UK, the economy is deflating, the banks have seized up, no-one is buying or selling houses and next week you’ll have to eat your shoes. And John Sergeant is a huge tit.

“But at least we’re not short of massive boobs,” said Mr Darling. “And call and vote on Strictly Come Dancing! Before the telly’s repossessed.”

Virgin Media offers new super-fast Internet at least two days out of seven

HOT-AIR BALLOON, Mid-Atlantic, Thursday (NNGadget) — Virgin Media, operators of Britain’s only cable television network, has launched a new 16 megabit Internet service.

Richard Branson dartboard“That’s sixteen megabits total over the day, usually,” said Virgin Media phone menu robot Mark Schweitzer, “but it’s very fast when it’s going. Plain old ADSL can’t hold a candle to it. You can hit your download limit in minutes!”

Customers will be able to add the boost free for three months, after which they will need to pay an additional £5 per month. The three months will start when Virgin ascertain the customer might possibly have thought about it in passing, probably last June. Should you be in any way less than satisfied, Virgin will be happy to leave you in a phone queue for three days, then disconnect your service entirely and charge you to switch it on again rather than just go back to the old plan like you asked them. And cut the cable outside your house and claim you did it. And pass your address to the record companies so they can send you threatening letters.

Virgin Media will also be releasing a new 50 megabit broadband service before Christmas. “We’ve heard that you can use things called ‘computers’ to send messages and even pictures. That’d be a good service to offer! We have this bloke in facilities who knows a bit about computers, we could get him to run it between refilling the coffee machines. If we tried, we could probably make it as reliable as our telly. Nobody really minds when the football drops out ten minutes before the end, do they.”

Virgin Media (“We’ve Never Done It Before, And We Don’t Really Know How To”) was founded as an experiment by ethically challenged psychologists to ascertain just how abusively awful customer service could get and still have anyone giving them money. The company is sponsored by British Telecom to make them look good by comparison.

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Terrorist computer virus infects hospitals

OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Farringdon Road, Wednesday (NNN) — A terrorist attack on the NHS has brought three London hospitals to a halt.

NHS computer with Red Ring of Death, er, Arrested IndicatorsThe terrorists, representing an organisation calling itself “Microsoft,” apparently used insecure third-party contractors to put a virus-running platform called “Windows” into critical systems in the hospitals, in order to extort money from them on an annual basis.

It is understood that a large percentage of all businesses are infected with the virus, wasting up to 25% of employees’ working time and opening the companies to further attacks from related criminal organisations demanding to see all their licenses.

The virus in question, W32.SHILL/SCHOFIELD, takes over the host’s IT systems, leading to aches, pains, nausea, vomiting, pumping out prodigious quantities of faeces and a terrible compulsion to spread the infection to others. The patient also walks with a shuddering stumble and asks for their hospital meal to include tasty, tasty brains. Recovery has commenced when they have an overwhelming urge to throw their computer out of the window. “Getting this stuff out of the system makes MRSA look like a walk in the park,” said one cleaner, waving his shit-encrusted hands about for emphasis.

When the infection became known, ambulances were diverted to other hospitals. “We have maintained a safe environment for our patients throughout the incident,” said a spokesman for Barts NHS Trust, “keeping them in the Clostridium difficile culturing lab rather than risking exposing them to ‘Windows.'”

“Healthcare staff should not share smartcards,” said a Connecting for Health spokesperson, “and if smartcards are used without a condom then disciplinary procedures should follow.”

Education makes Catholics “uppity,” says bishop

RATZINGER, County Cork, Tuesday (NNN) — The Rt Rev Patrick O’Donoghue, the Bishop of Lancaster, has claimed that Catholic university graduates are spreading scepticism and sowing dissent.

Professor PedobearThe bishop complained that influential Catholics in politics and the media were undermining the Church, particularly his bits of it. “The relentless diatribe in the popular media against Christianity has undermined the confidence of the ordinary faithful in the Church,” he said, “and certainly not the paedophile scandals or anything.

“What we have witnessed in Western societies since the end of the Second World War is the development of mass education on a scale unprecedented in human history, resulting in economic growth, scientific and technological advances, and the cultural and social enrichment of billions of people’s lives. Needless to say, we can’t possibly stand for this.”

Educated Catholics “set a bad example” and corrupted the faith of the working classes who had not gone to university. “Fancy book learning leads to doubt, doubt leads to questions, questions lead to a visit from the Holy Inquisition!”

Nicholas Lash, the former Norris-Hulse Professor of Divinity at Cambridge University, called the bishop’s comments “mind-bogglingly stupid” and asked that people please not pay attention to the drooling idiot in the silly hat. “At least, not this particular idiot in a silly hat … I’ll shut up now.”

Doctor admits he is “a terrorist”

FACEFUL O’ HEID, Glasgae Airport, Monday (NNN) — A doctor accused of driving a policy framework laden with PFI contracts and incendiary management performance bonuses into an already beleaguered National Health Service has admitted his deliberate intent to cause terror and demoralise the British populace.

But he told a jury he never wanted to kill or injure anyone. “Not actively or directly. Or where I could see it happening.”

Danger! Labour terrorist explosions!The defence has said that Dr Ara Darzi wanted to highlight the plight of the people of New Labour with a series of dispiriting distractions starting in June 2007.

Lord Darzi told the jury that after attacks on several trusts had failed, he planned to flee to the inner sanctums of the Ministry for Health, because it would be “much easier to disappear” in a bureaucratic quagmire.

But as he approached the payoff, he suddenly swerved into the opposition and press without warning and was pulled from his vehicle and had the shit kicked out of him by a large Scotsman named Gordon.

Biological agents were also involved, in preparation for “a cross-NHS Clostridium Difficile Flower Show. They wanted a shrubbery. A nice one, mind you.”

The trial was adjourned today as prosecutors were held up in Accident and Emergency for five hours behind several belligerent drunks.

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Television essential to mental well-being

CHANNEL 5, Wapping, Friday (NNN) — New findings printed today in all papers and broadcast on ITV, Channel 4 and Channel 5 reveal that television is “virtually a mental vitamin” for intelligence and emotional well-being. In addition, it helps treat arrhythmia, psoriasis, tooth decay, distemper, dropsy, haemorrhoids and impotence, and lets you see through clothes.

Hypnotize, with any TV set!The findings were revealed today by the study’s funders, a consortium of commercial television broadcasters and newspaper proprietors. They have recommended that watching television and reading printed newspapers be made mandatory as a public health measure, and that the Internet be renamed “The Paedophile Channel” as a warning to possible users.

“Regular television viewers have a deeper understanding of popular culture, are up-to-the-minute on artistic ideas of the moment and have something to talk to their co-workers about the next day,” said Dr Desmond Murdoch. “The quick-fix nature of televisual gratification accumulates and quickly becomes permanent. The tightly-scripted performance brilliance of thirty-second messages provides the viewer’s necessary daily dose of thoughtful mental stimulation and wit.

“I met a scientist once,” said Dr Murdoch. “Well, he said he was a scientist. He handed me a remarkably large cheque.”

Further results from the research group are expected to include revelations that jaffa cakes, crisps and Coca-Cola are “fruit” for the purposes of achieving one’s government-mandated five portions a day, and that snake oil liniment does all it is claimed to.

“It lets you see through clothes, man,” emphasised Dr Murdoch.

Home Office “outraged” at CIA report on bin Laden

HIGH STREET, Peshawar, Friday (NNN) — The Home Office has expressed its grave concern at a CIA report claiming that Osama bin Laden is not at the centre of Al-Qaeda of late.

Young woman, wearing negligee, lying in bed, holding book, with OSAMA BIN LADEN!!“This is an outrage up with which the British people shall not put,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. “If Al-Qaeda were in fact merely small groups of malcontents in groups on the Pakistani border, worried that Barack Obama would be too nice for their recruitment prospects, there would be no need for all our plans. Which is, of course, ridiculous.”

“lol its simple,” said thesun.co.uk forum commentator tim_osman_663. “tax barrick obama bin larden out of his cave. send sum haringay social werkers aroun, theyll giv him a cup o tea. IF YOU GOT NUTHIN IN YOR CAVE YOU GOT NUTHIN TO HIDE. End Of!!”

Ms Smith stressed the necessity of the Government’s identity card scheme, noting that the proposed laws specifically required terrorists from the back country of Pakistan to present their cards upon the request of a policeman, or when suspected of lurking under the beds of our proud innocent British womenfolk.

The CIA reiterated that “the war is far from over” and bin Laden remained the greatest imaginable threat to the USA. “We’re sure we can convince Mr Obama of this, even as we failed to convince Jack Kennedy. If you know what I mean.”

Affair in “First Life” leads to virtual divorce

ALPHAVILLE, Linden, Thursday (NNGadget) — For its many devotees, First Life, the Massively Multiplayer Offline Reality Playing Game, is a place where the everyday constraints of online life drop away and vivid activities can be played out.

But fact and fiction have collided in heartbreaking fashion for a British couple who are divorcing after the wife discovered her cyber-husband’s offline alter-ego, “Nigel Tedious,” with another — physical — woman.

Lolo Ferrari’s somewhat disturbing First Life avatarLaurellina Hyperphasia, whose First Life character is called “Tracey Clegg” of the land of “Essex,” said today that as far as she was concerned her husband, Lancethrust Pound-a-tron, was having a real relationship with the avatar controlled by the human in question.

Launched by Israeli company Jehovah Labs six thousand years ago, First Life gives players a body type. They cannot trade it up or easily change its basic characteristics, though they can outfit it in various ways. This body can move around the “Real World,” meet people, socialise, buy land and property with the game’s currency and set up businesses.

“Sex in First Life is amazing,” said Pound-a-tron. “It’s really hard to level up to, though, and it cost me a fortune.”

An increasing number of people’s virtual relationships have fallen apart because of what was happening in their parallel, real world. Part of the addiction problem is “jobs” — in which players have to perform long-winded, mindless tasks, up to forty hours a week or even more, to bring up their levels and gain access to more adventure. Stories of gamers spending ten to fifteen hours a day in First Life are becoming more frequent.

Pound-a-tron — or “Tedious” — admitted he was having an offline relationship. “We weren’t even having cybersex or anything like that, just that physical thing where you put bits of your bodies into the other one’s body. It was nothing really major. I still don’t see that I was doing anything wrong.”

Mandelson: “The audacity of post”

CHEQUE IN THE MAIL, Down The Back Of The Couch, last month (NNN) — Peter Mandelson is formulating plans for the Post Office™ to keep itself relevant to the modern world by developing new areas of business.

Never fear, Mandy is here“Lord Mandelson believes in the future of the Post Office™,” said Lord Mandelson. Royal Mail employees have been cautioned that garlic and silver crosses are not considered part of the postal uniform.

Plans include financial and government services and providing pictures for new passports and ID cards. “We can bring the poor in,” said Baron von Mandelson, “photograph them, take a DNA sample, tattoo the bar code on their foreheads and send them off to an efficiently stacked Post Office™ Council Cardboard Box, fitted with broadband. The bubble wrap provides excellent soundproofing and insulation. The journey through the sorting machine is not unreasonable in the circumstances.”

TV and vehicle licensing will be brought back into the network, and expanded to computer licensing. “Licensing and tracking every personal computer in the country is vital to saving rural services. We can also charge a mere 1p per email, travelling through the secured and monitored Home Office network, to fund these important focal points for local communities.”

Other plans include the supply of ice cream, fizzy drinks, petrol and lager. The Post Office™ will also be part of the Department of Health’s War On Obesity. “The gum on the back of stamps has been especially enhanced with a Xenical-based chemical, to promote an efficient dietary regime.”

Suggestions that the Post Office™ get into the business of physical delivery of letters and parcels were greeted with a perplexed snort of laughter.

Barely legal teens in danger of Glitter beat

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Sunday (NNN) — Middle England was outraged today when, in the wake of the abuse of Georgina Baillie by ruthless BBC broadcasters, it was revealed that Gary Glitter’s 1970s hit “Thank Heaven For Young Women With Photographic Identification Certifying They Are Of Legal Age” was on a list of “related listening” for GCSE music coursework.

Do Ya Wanna Touch Me (Uh No)“This is completely inappropriate,” thundered Education Secretary Paul Dacre. “If a sixteen-year-old listens to a Gary Glitter song, it is scientifically proven that they will regress in time to being underage, and then have sex with him.”

It is understood Glitter could reap several pounds in royalties, a significant amount compared to the tens of thousands of dollars he still makes annually from American radio play.

“Anyone even thinking about this song is probably raping children themselves,” said Zoe Hilton in an NSPCC quickie press release. “So give us your fucking money, you filthy fucking nonce.”

A sixteen-year-old in Britain can have sex and even get married. However, they cannot be photographed having the sex in question, appear on page three of The Sun (any more) or drink in pubs, and must under no circumstances be allowed to become aware of the existence of Gary Glitter songs, in case they corrupt their inherent moral purity and righteousness.