‘United Kingdom’ Archives
Education makes Catholics “uppity,” says bishop
RATZINGER, County Cork, Tuesday (NNN) — The Rt Rev Patrick O'Donoghue, the Bishop of Lancaster, has claimed that Catholic university graduates are spreading scepticism and sowing dissent. The bishop complained that influential Catholics in politics and the media were undermining the Church, particularly his bits of it. "The relentless [...]
Doctor admits he is “a terrorist”
FACEFUL O' HEID, Glasgae Airport, Monday (NNN) — A doctor accused of driving a policy framework laden with PFI contracts and incendiary management performance bonuses into an already beleaguered National Health Service has admitted his deliberate intent to cause terror and demoralise the British populace. But he told a jury he never wanted [...]
Television essential to mental well-being
CHANNEL 5, Wapping, Friday (NNN) — New findings printed today in all papers and broadcast on ITV, Channel 4 and Channel 5 reveal that television is "virtually a mental vitamin" for intelligence and emotional well-being. In addition, it helps treat arrhythmia, psoriasis, tooth decay, distemper, dropsy, haemorrhoids and impotence, and lets you [...]
Home Office “outraged” at CIA report on bin Laden
HIGH STREET, Peshawar, Friday (NNN) — The Home Office has expressed its grave concern at a CIA report claiming that Osama bin Laden is not at the centre of Al-Qaeda of late. "This is an outrage up with which the British people shall not put," said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. "If Al-Qaeda were in fact merely small groups of malcontents in [...]
Affair in “First Life” leads to virtual divorce
ALPHAVILLE, Linden, Thursday (NNGadget) — For its many devotees, First Life, the Massively Multiplayer Offline Reality Playing Game, is a place where the everyday constraints of online life drop away and vivid activities can be played out. But fact and fiction have collided in heartbreaking fashion for a British couple who are divorcing [...]
Mandelson: “The audacity of post”
CHEQUE IN THE MAIL, Down The Back Of The Couch, last month (NNN) — Peter Mandelson is formulating plans for the Post Office™ to keep itself relevant to the modern world by developing new areas of business. "Lord Mandelson believes in the future of the Post Office™," said Lord Mandelson. Royal Mail employees have been cautioned [...]
Barely legal teens in danger of Glitter beat
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Sunday (NNN) — Middle England was outraged today when, in the wake of the abuse of Georgina Baillie by ruthless BBC broadcasters, it was revealed that Gary Glitter's 1970s hit "Thank Heaven For Young Women With Photographic Identification Certifying They Are Of Legal Age" was on a list of "related listening" for GCSE [...]
Ask Jack
I'm thinking of buying a netbook as a second machine for net access and mobile broadband. Should I get one with XP or can I run Linux and not worry about what's "under the bonnet"?M Shuttleworth Linux-based netbooks have apparently friendly front ends, but are very demanding if you go any deeper. Linux is like the Mooncup: a nice idea, but messy [...]
“Sex on the job” policeman blames video games, TV
MANCHESTER, San Andreas, Friday (NNN) — Police constable Gary Bayldon, 48, who admitted having sex with one woman while on duty and propositioning another after she had been arrested, blamed the influence of the Grand Theft Auto video game series and the BBC TV show Life On Mars for corrupting his mind. Bayldon had a poster of Gene Hunt [...]
People “can’t wait for ID cards”
THE MEMORY HOLE, Whitehall, Thursday (NNN) — Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has hailed spectacular, record-breaking public demand for identity cards and will allow people to pre-register within the next few months. "I regularly have people coming up to me and saying they have nothing to hide and want me personally to have every detail of their [...]
