Category Archives: United Kingdom

UK cybercops demand magical digital snake-oil machines

WOT’S ALL THIS THEN, ’Ello ’Ello ’Ello.co.uk, Thursday (NNGadget) — UK police are asking for a “breathalyser”-style tool for computers that could instantly flag up illegal activity on any PC it is attached to.

Absolutely scientifically reliable lie detector apparatusDetective Superintendent Charlie McMurdie, who is what passes for a computer expert in the police force, said such a tool could run on suspects’ machines, instantly read and analyse their email, web browsing and chat logs, identify credit card fraud or selling stolen goods online, reliably detect and assess images containing children on the five-level child porn scale and create a handy log of relevant evidence. And a pony.

“It’s surely just a simple matter of programming,” said McMurdie. “We’re seizing so many computers from people with a copy of Virgin Killer that frontline police need a digital forensic tool as easy to use as the breathalyser, to magically flash up ‘HONEST UPSTANDING CITIZEN’ or ‘’E’S A NONCE, GUV’. Do we need to seize five computers, all their mobile phones, their CD and DVD collection and basically everything that runs on electricity, or could we use a magical police gadget with impressive flashy lights and stuff? I thought computers were supposed to make life easier!”

The eventual development of such a tool could help ease a backlog of digital forensic work that has officers waiting up to a year for evidence to be recovered from seized machines, though threatening to destroy people’s livelihoods has proven very efficient in extracting confessions.

EDS Capita Goatse have promised they can “absolutely, definitely, certainly, probably” produce such a tool with only an ironclad £100m five year contract, and also reliably determine whether a computer program halts or not. The Internet Watch Foundation also demanded to be involved, and were told their details would be kept on file.

“It was so much simpler in the old days,” sighed McMurdie. “People asking you what time it was, burglars with domino masks and striped jumpers and bags marked ‘SWAG,’ chirpy Cockney sparrow second-hand car dealers wiv a heart of gold … you just can’t get the wood, you know.”

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Sky defends assisted suicide television show

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Wednesday (NNN) — The makers of a documentary on assisted suicide have defended their decision to film a reality TV show revolving around the concept.

jadegoody5.jpgIn I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here Permanently, Z-list celebrities are locked inside a house festooned with knives, guns, poison, copies of Virgin Killer and each other. “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley is played twenty-four hours a day at 100 decibels. As housemates are slowly and exquisitely killed off by public vote, the contestant list gets down to two deserving finalists who, in a surprise upset, are both fed into a woodchipper feet first in a cheering finale for all the family.

“As a broadcaster,” said Barbara Gibbon of Sky Real Lives, “we believe that there is a role for television to inform public debate about even the most challenging subjects. We particularly enjoyed challenging Nicola McLean to count to ten without using her fingers, before suffocating her on her own breasts in the Lolo Ferrari Trial.'”

Dr Peter Saunders, director of the campaign group Care Not Killing, earlier accused programme makers of a “cynical attempt to boost television ratings.” He changed his mind when he heard the contestant list. “On reviewing the matter, we realised that seeing David van Day forced to actually eat his own arsehole live on television would create an increase in happiness and good cheer that would save at least five hundred suicides of worthwhile humans and was therefore a moral imperative. I’m leaving Virgin and going to Sky tomorrow.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown told the Commons he was personally opposed to assisted suicide, but urged George Galloway to add this show to his television CV.

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Internet Watch Foundation “Crapland” closes down

WIKIALITY, Little Boring, Tuesday (NNN) — The Internet Watch Foundation’s “Crapland” child-friendly Internet theme park has gone bust after only three days.

An information board at the entrance depicts the classical painting Smell The Glove by Scorpionaggio (courtesy National Portrait Gallery) and welcomes the visitor on a “flight of the imagination, travelling down the magical pathways that teenagers have used to get their porn for centuries,” and which have been specially opened up for the lucky children invited to come. “Just like Michael Jackson’s Neverland.”

Scorpions “Virgin Killer” in LegoAdvertisements promised a “Clean Kiddie-Friendly World … Hollywood Special FXs, Blind Faith plane ride, Nevermind swimming baths, Houses of the Holy rock climbing … & much more!”

The reality when it opened on Saturday evening was somewhat less impressive. Spurious 404s, lying customer service staff (“for the authentic Internet experience!”), HTML 2.0 and web searches through AltaVista. “It looked like a website from 1995 or a paper chart of what it should look like,” said customer Jimmy Wales. “It was like they’d stacked dial-up modems on both sides of a path together, stuck some printouts on a TV and stuck a keyboard in front. We were waiting two hours and they charged us £10 for a photo with Mary Whitehouse.”

Two curtain-twitchers and a Whitehouse were attacked by irate Internet users. A posting on 4chan showed a busybody having a fag behind the grotto.

Then, on Tuesday evening, Crapland closed. A statement by the management said this was due to “intentional organised crowd manipulation and event sabotage and unscrupulous and inaccurate negative bias media that quoted our words accurately in full.” A woman dressed as a particularly hefty Pepperpot stood outside shrieking: “The IWF’s dead. Go home.”

Cable internet users who unwittingly signed up for the Crapland experience are giving up and getting DSL broadband instead. “It’s been a complete Virgin killer.”

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UK citizens protected from Wikifilth by IWF

WIKIFIDDLE, Brass Eye, Sunday (NNN) — The Internet Watch Foundation, protectors of the British citizenry against uncceptable material on teh intarweb, have declared Wikipedia illegal in the UK.

Several police forces had advised the IWF concerning the site, swearing their actions had nothing to do with anything in the site about senior policemen or their behaviour.

“Virgin Killer” by Gordon Brown“The fourth most popular website in the world is an encyclopedia,” said IWF Oberstürmgrüppenwhitehouse Myra Hindley. “What sort of message does that send about the youth of today? They should be using mobile phones, dealing drugs, smoking cracks to ‘jazz’ music in discos and knifing each other in the streets. God help us if they see record covers!”

Police across the country used sophisticated hammer-detecting equipment to swoop on the homes of rumoured Wikipedophiles. All computers, mobile phones, televisions and any technology more sophisticated than scissors will be confiscated for investigation, and will be returned in due process in twelve to eighteen months when the filthy fucking nonces have been brought to trial, assuming they survive multiple beatings in jail.

“Fuck these filthy fucking fuckers,” said Zoe fucking Hilton of the NSPCC. “And give us money, or you’re a filthy fucking kiddie fucker yourself. Turd.”

“We absolutely won’t be adapting the system to discussion of ID cards,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. “Nor will MPs raising the issue have their offices or homes raided. Probably.”

Virgin Media users had failed to notice any difference, assuming the connection problems were service as normal, and went back to watching the football except for the last ten minutes of the game.

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Haringey social workers to be able to search MPs’ offices

HARARE, Whitehall, Saturday (NNN) — New laws will allow the Electoral Commission to undertake searches of MPs’ offices without a warrant.

Jo Frost sends Michael Martin to the Naughty StepCommons Speaker Michael Martin had vowed to prevent “unauthorised” raids on MPs’ Westminster offices, but noted this was a very handy get-out for him. “The Tories have been up to some evil, evil stuff with money lately. Labour of course remained uncharged a coupla years ago. But to maintain confidence, we will outsource the job to real experts on sensitive intervention in difficult circumstances: Haringey Council Social Services.”

He said that Sharon Shoesmith had shown her expertise in dealing with power with diplomacy and tact, and had stunned and delighted all in New Labour with her bureaucratic acrobatics mathematically proving step by step that nothing whatsoever done by any individual at Haringey Council was in fact incorrect in the Baby P case, and that the brutal murder of the child in question could, therefore, not possibly have occurred.

The social workers will not, however, be permitted to take samples of the MPs’ DNA. “Though David Blunkett and John Prescott kept offering theirs.”

Jacqui Smith says the new measures will fit in with plans to search the homes of staff working on ID cards to prevent leaks, the plans in question having leaked.

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I’m A Cabinet Member: this year’s best jungle action

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Friday (N! News) — We’ve seen tears, tantrums and torturous trials, but tonight we see the last episode in this year’s series of I’m A Cabinet Member, Help Me Stay In Here.

Gordon Brown’s massive boobFrom Gordon Brown asking if he could get elected by chomping on crocodile testicles to Jacqui Smith losing everyone’s details in the Creepy Crawly Identity Database — and who could forget all of the disgusting Bushtucker Trials, including Gordon and Alistair Darling munching a cocktail of bankers’ anuses and Ed Balls being shut in a dark cave full of PFI contractors?

David Miliband thinks he lost valuable airtime after Labour delegates banned him from doing anything strenuous. He wrenched his credibility when a strap holding him up broke in the Banana Trial — sending him crashing to the ground. He said camp joker Peter Mandelson had got on his nerves. “When he came in I thought, ‘is he a plant?’ Peter’s entertaining. He’s like a pantomime villain. I think he’s a nice guy underneath it all. The doctors say the crushed vertebrae should heal within a year or two.”

Lord Mandelson became a viewers’ favourite with his antics during the Bushtucker Trials — dropping recalcitrant minor ministers into a pit of bugs and practicing his ballroom dancing on the skulls of anyone who had ever crossed him in any way.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown celebrated the first anniversary of his massive boob. “After my next crisis I’ll make another boob. I love it. I’m obsessed with massive boobs. Mine apparently make quite an impact, though I don’t think they look that big. We’ll see what properly-commanded central planning can squeeze in there. Mmm, boobs.”

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New plans for unemployed and immigrants in Queen’s Speech

BUCKLEY’S PALACE, Victorian, Wednesday (NNN) — The Queen’s Speech today announced new government plans to help get the country back on its feet and beat the Great Slight Economic Downturn by beating the people at the sharp end of it.

Johnny Mnemonic signs onJobcentres will employ lie detectors to train the unemployed to beat polygraph testing and maintain the convincing demeanor and operant-conditioning-induced emotionless psychopathy so helpful in job interviews, the modern workplace and the Church of Scientology. Staff will also be trained on the polygraphs so as to improve their skills at telling benefit recipients that no-one is available to handle their case right now, that they should wait at the upstairs desk or that they should call a never-answered 0870 number or lose their benefits. So as to eliminate child poverty, single mothers will be expected to be ready for work within 48 hours of giving birth, though this will be extended to 96 hours on medical advice from a Jobcentre doctor.

Tenured parasite upon public funds and author of the recommendations Professor Paul Gregg of Bristol University admitted the idea was to punish people by creating a “hassle” in their lives. Unions, welfare groups and millions of unemployed people kindly offered to return the favour.

Immigrants who make no effort to integrate will have to wait longer to become UK citizens. “Integration” will be measured by government testing of Coronation Street and Eastenders knowledge, prodigiousness of lager drinking, whether they have put sufficient personal initiative into breaking out of the brothel they are being held prisoner in, measurement of headscarf or beard length by official inspectors and whether the subject has a known propensity for being brown in public.

Bankers will be required at all times to wear a high-visibility orange vest with “Community Debtor” on the back, so that decent working people and their families are aware of the banking person’s presence and know not to acknowledge them unless they are actively lending money to them.

“My Lords and Members of the House of Commons,” the Queen finished her speech, “I … oh, sod this. I’m not mouthing this demeaning bollocks another year. You can become a bloody republic. I’m off to Australia, they respect their monarchs there.”

“Community Payback” vests revitalise low-end clothing market

CHAVINGTON STREET MARKETS, Povscum, Tuesday (NNN) — The Home Office’s “Stain Of Moral Inadequacy, Social Approbation And Endeavouring To In Some Small Way Redeem One’s Lowly And Unworthy Self In The Eyes Of The Community” scheme vests were officially launched yesterday in Slough.

George W. Bush community paybackThe words emblazoned on the vests — shortened to “Community Payback” in practice, as the full phrase was too long to fit on vests smaller than XXXL — are now mandated for convicted criminals on community service orders, to alert morally-upstanding citizenry that offenders cleaning graffiti or laying pavements are being punished rather than paid and that they are in a Sanctioned Tutting Zone.

The vests are achieving great popularity and underclass social cachet, with unofficial knockoffs proving vastly popular in street markets in more value-conscious districts. They join such fashionable items as reproduction electronic leg tags and ASBO certificates, many carrying such famous names as Goochi, Louie Vitton and Dolchi ett Gabbarner — all completely genuine, my very dear friend, I absolutely would not lie to you under any circumstances.

The Beardie Bleeding Hearts’ Union pointed out that the vests had already led to several gangland shootings, but the press waved this away as providing them with more journalistic titillation for their suburban readers to be appalled at the behaviour of those nasty common poor persons handily killing each other off.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said the scheme was already a success, as measured by the many column inches in the press today. “The important thing is to be seen to be doing something.” Next month’s initiative will involve floating neon signs attached to balloons with arrows pointing down at the offender, and the following month’s will introduce vests for opposition MPs arrested under the Official Secrets Act. The Home Office is also looking into licensing rotten tomato and cabbage stalls in tutting zones.

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Barrowman exposes himself on radio

TORCHWOOD THREE, Cardiff, Monday (NNN) — Actor John Barrowman has apologised for exposing himself on live radio on Sunday evening. Two complaints were received about the incident, from listeners J. Ross and R. Brand. “We are appalled and outraged,” they said. “We told the Daily Mail and they thought it was funny.”

John Barrowman saluteBarrowman apologised for any offence caused. “I was joining in the light-hearted and fun banter of the show and went too far. I was wrong to do this and it will never happen again. Next time I’ll just say I am and not actually do so. This will make all the difference to our lovely Daily Mail-reading listeners, every one of whom I would have a romantic interlude with. Except I’m gay and married.”

Georgina Baillie was shocked. “I’m shocked, I am. Sure he doesn’t go for girls just a bit? Maybe after a few drinks when his friends aren’t there to see?”

A BBC spokeswoman said: “We do feel that the programme overstepped the mark. We are determined that lessons will be learned from this incident. All BBC radio shows going forward will contain only simulated willy exposures, with the willy exposure substituted with a Radiophonic Workshop sound effect. Probably some sort of ‘Ba-DOING!’ sound, a processed version of the sound of a wooden ruler vibrating on a desk. Everyone loves that one. In addition, we will talk about Y-fronts and boxer shorts rather than willies and balls.”

Darling: “I haven’t done nearly enough to the economy”

GOSPLAN, Whitehall, Saturday (NNN) — Chancellor Alistair Darling has outlined future plans to subsidise the economy per Labour’s 1983 manifesto. “We can’t of course just seize control — we’ll entice them in. I’m sure we can come to a suitable synergy between the state and the chosen corporations.”

Peter Mandelson as DavrosPeter Mandelson graciously accepted the request to manage the operational aspects of the new command-and-control economy. “No company or sector can expect automatic bailout. We must evaluate likely winners. And see if they’ve been good boys and girls this year. I’m making a list, and I’m checking it twice.”

The lists are confidential. “No-one could leak the lists and not expect, say, an arrest by counter-terrorist police under the Official Secrets Act and a day or two of questioning while their home and office are searched. I speak entirely hypothetically, of course.”

Lord Mandelson clarified his earlier quote about becoming “filthy rich.” “What I said was that New Labour don’t care if you become filthy rich, as long as you pay your taxes. And remain dear, dear friends of ours.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown said the government was “working very closely with Barack Obama’s economic team,” producing a July 2008 photograph of himself with Mr Obama as evidence.

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