‘United Kingdom’ Archives
Coffee cure found for Daily Mail readership
Scientists from the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm have discovered that five cups of coffee a day can halve the risk of breast cancer in post-menopausal women, and have recommended the practice to the Daily Mail. The study notes that the article the Mail ran was the usual fill-in-the-blanks cancer article, but that subscriptions were [...]
Tories rescue economy from workers’ “rights”
PRODUCTIVITY HOME, London EC1, Wednesday (NTN) — The Chancellor, George Osborne, will be "streamlining" employment regulation to revive the economy, having discovered that the recession was all the fault of the workers, rather than, e.g., the bankers. "Current employment law contains too much bureaucracy," said Mr Osborne. "Apparently [...]
Super-injunctions “your best publicity value”
WEB 0.1, Cyberspice, Monday (NTN) — Several tedious Z-list celebrities have demanded Twitter user @injunctionsuper post details of their tawdry and squalid lives too. tweeted: "Rumur that I hv super-injunction preventing publication of 'intimate' photos of me n my bank account. NOT TRUE! Also, tits. FER FUXAKE PLS RT" The revelation [...]
Sex and coffee make strokes “the new cancer”
GOLDACRE, Moron Piers, Friday (NTN) — New results showing strokes could be caused by coffee, sex or blowing your nose were hailed by the tabloid media as the "new cancer." The study on 250 patients identified eight risk factors linked to bleeding on the brain: sex, coffee, nose-blowing, Nick Clegg, Tories, mind-buggering stupidity, the [...]
Ubuntu Vista 11.04 defies expectations
THAWTELESS, Star City, Monday (NNGadget) — Canonical, Inc. has announced the release of Ubuntu 11.04, "Venereal Vista," based on the Unity Vista desktop, which only 5 out of 11 first-time users managed to crash in final testing two weeks ago. Unity is Canonical's response to the GNOME 3 shell, which uses 1 gigabyte of RAM and four [...]
Ed Miliband threatens to tell Scotland’s mum on it
MILISECOND, Hollyshite, Thursday (NTN) — Labour leader Ed Miliband has warned that Labour is "heading for disaster" if Alex Salmond and the SNP continue their charge towards victory in next week’s elections. "The SNP will use a victory in Holyrood to press for Scottish independence, threaten the union, cause plagues of frogs and make [...]
Support for monarchy at all-time high with sunny eleven-day weekend
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, The Beach, Monday (NTN) — Support for the monarchy has increased over the last three days, with three quarters of people saying the Royal Wedding will cheer up the country, provided the weather holds out. "The Royal Family unites the country," said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. "Prince Wilberforce and [...]
Mind-buggeringly useless expensive gadget delayed
HAMMERSMITH ODEOUS, Android Market, Friday (NTN) — The £500 LG Optimus 3D, the world's first 3D smartphone, has been delayed until June, possibly due to 3D on a phone being stupendously pointless rubbish that doesn't work. 3D technology has been the next big thing for only the last sixty years and is readily available on television, [...]
British girls’ drinking culture just not up to scratch
MISS PRICE'S FINISHING COLLEGE, Essex, Thursday (NTN) — British teenage girls have "the worst binge drinking culture in the Western world" and need better advice on getting smashed with style and elegance. Half of all 15-year-old girls cannot distinguish Merlots per region, while more than a quarter of 16- and 17-year-old girls are unable [...]
Virgin Media to sell 1.5 gigabit Internet to complete cocks
TELLYHOUSE, Cable and Witless, Wednesday (NTN) — Virgin Media will shortly trial 1.5Gbps cable Internet, but only to festering dot-com media cocks who live actually around Shoreditch itself. "As the pace of technological change increases," said the ISP in the press release all the papers copied word for word, "it is vitally important to [...]
