‘United Kingdom’ Archives
Junior doctors inexplicably run screaming from medical hellholes
SHIPMAN TEACHING HOSPITAL, University of Crippen, Monday (NTNHS) — Nearly a quarter of English junior doctors drop out of their NHS training after two years of shovelling twice the shit in half the time with no guidance or funding. The government blamed Europe. The EU Working Time Directive means that junior doctors are no longer free, [...]
Hawking’s statement of the bloody obvious betrays lack of theological understanding
THE RUPTURE, Tower of Art, Friday (NotScientist) — Stephen Hawking's claims that no God was required to create the Earth six thousand years ago, and moreover that it is round, are trivially ignorant and heretical. He betrays the shallowness of his theological understanding with the sentence: "Look, you drooling idiots, we can see across [...]
Tony Blair confesses to bore crimes
THE MEMORY WHOLE, London SW1A 1AA, Wednesday (NTN) — Tony Blair's memoir, Seven Hundred Pages Of Tedious Equivocation, has caused mass outbreaks of violent ennui and destroyed the minds of the few remaining people who care. The carnage has been truly numbing. Blair has expressed his "anguish" and "regret" at the millions who, having [...]
England beats the colonies for once, really it does
LARDS, Motley Cricket Club, Tuesday (NTN) — The cricket world has been rocked by suggestions that Pakistan may have deliberately thrown games and England might not actually be the geniuses of sport they consider themselves. England captain Stuart Broad stoutly maintained that England's victories had been every bit as much of a sporting [...]
Wikileaks reveals that Snape killed Dumbledore
WILD WEST END, Baker Street, Sunday (NTN) — The online encyclopedia Wikileaks stands accused of revealing the ending of The Mousetrap, recklessly endangering the income of Agatha Christie's descendants. "My grandmother always got upset if the plots of her books or plays were revealed in reviews," said Matthew Prichard, who personally put [...]
NHS Direct to be replaced with Internet chat sessions
OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, It's Grim Up Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The NHS Direct telephone help service is to be scrapped and replaced with a recorded service, Internet chat sessions and a web page. The 111 helpline, already in place in non-Tory parts of England, has been a "vast success" in cost-cutting, said health secretary Andrew [...]
Zac Goldsmith calls for investigation of his parents
PEASHOOTER, Beanotown, Friday (D. C. Thomson) — Zac Goldsmith, 7, of Richmond, has engaged in a furious row over his parents' investigation into just who got into the biscuit tin, fed chocolates to the dog and wrote 'ZAC WOZ ERE' in strawberry jam on the counter. Mr Goldsmith repeatedly denied he had done anything wrong — insisting [...]
Amy Winehouse to branch out into music
BACK IN THE BLACK, Camden High Street, Thursday (N! News) — Celebrity gossip star Amy Winehouse will diversify her career to something to do with music, she told incredulous reporters today. "I've always felt a musical urge," she said today, "humming tunes to myself as I snorted the streets of Camden clean. It's gunna have these 'songs' [...]
Women may have 104 hairstyles in a single edition
WELL I NEVER, Wake Me Up Before I Stop Stop, Wednesday (NTN) — University of Metro researchers say that women can have 104 hairstyles in a single reading of a paper on the morning bus or train. The study of 3,000 women, all in the commercially desirable 20-39 office worker demographic, revealed 44 per cent changed their hair because of [...]
Church of England controversially suggests women may be human
KINGDOM OF HECK ON EARTH, Dibley, Monday (NTN) — The General Synod of the Church of England has ruled that women may technically be regarded as a variety of human, leading to international outrage and threats of a schism. Women will be considered eligible to be elected to humanity, though traditionalist Anglican priests will be allowed to [...]
