‘United Kingdom’ Archives
Google opens first retail store
COURT ROAD, Tottenham, Friday (NTN) — Internet advertising agency Google is opening its first retail store, selling the Internet-only Chromebook. "We've put a lot of effort into making it feel welcoming, homely and, dare I say it, 'Googley'," said Arvind Desikan, head of consumer marketing. The revolutionary shopping experience leverages [...]
Guardian falls to “BeautifulPeople” virus
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (N! News) — They were built for the publication of "actual news content," where editors ruthlessly excluded churnalised press releases. But today a brain virus attacked and a hideous wave of bollocks flooded newspapers already losing a fortune. The virus was quickly named "BeautifulPeople.com" — after the [...]
J. K. Rowling decides “richer than Queen” not enough, aims for “Sultan of Brunei” level
ORTHOGON ALLEY, Mammon Managed, Friday (fanfiction.net) — J. K. Rowling is further repackaging the dribbling arse of the Harry Potter series, in evident disbelief of old sayings about blood and stones. The final film, Harry Potter and the Deathly Lack of Further Books, is being released shortly. Rowling has carefully assembled a package [...]
Actual jail time for being blithering idiot on Internet
CYBERPRION, Arsebook, September (times.co.uk) — The much-maligned British justice system was lauded the world over today as someone was actually jailed for being a drooling lackwit on the Internet. Gene pool blight Joanne Fraill admitted researching the defendant she was trying as a juror, contacting the defendant during the case and [...]
UK plans cyber-weapons programme
HEY HEY 16K, R: Tape Loading Error, Thursday (NTK) — GCHQ has begun work on a range of uniquely British cyber-weapons to add to Britain's defensive capability. "Cyber-Space," said General Jonathan Shaw, pronouncing the hyphen between the words, "represents conflict without borders. But we can use the finest of British technical pluck to [...]
Bizarre benefits fraud excuses revealed by government
THE OSBOURNES, Bog Society, Sunday (NTN) — A survey by fraud investigators has revealed their top ten worst excuses used by the evil benefit cheats depriving you, yes you, of valuable pennies you could have put toward your next pint. "We didn't realise the NHS needed that six billion quid, we just had to make a few million phone [...]
Review: Train operations deckchairs to be rearranged
WOLMAR, Beeching, Thursday (NTN) — A review has found that rail fares in Britain need to be brought down using a combination of magic beans, flying unicorns, farmyard fertiliser and, of course, cuts to services and wages. The cost of running the network is 30% higher than other European railways. Stated reasons include the gross [...]
Clegg bounces back with wizard new plans for House of Lords
PARLIAMENT OF SLIGHTLY BRUISED DREAMS, Westminster, Tuesday (NTN) — The Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, has followed up his spectacular success in the alternative vote referendum with exciting reforms for the House of Lords that no-one will care about either. The plan involves 300 members, 80% of whom are elected in a process [...]
Cameron to destroy the NHS in order to save it
OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Bullingdon, Monday (NTN) — The Prime Minister, David Cameron, yesterday categorically denied every intention the Conservatives have had toward the NHS for the past sixty-three years. "There will be no privatisation," he declared, "no cherry-picking from private providers." Other Tory dreams he denied included a [...]
Pink Floyd sell actual bottom of barrel with scrapings
TIME, Dark side of the moan, Wednesday (N! News) — Both remaining members of Pink Floyd have announced the launch of the "Why Pink Floyd?" reissue campaign, wherein literally every tape containing a detectable grunt or squeak is pressed onto CD, SACD and 5.1-channel DVD-audio. "This is the last chance for really nice packaging," said [...]
