ASSOCIATED BLACKSHIRTS, Ninth Bolgia, Easter Sunday (Daily Mail) — Our reporter ROSS SLATER, who had dreams once, arrived at the REMOTE PLACE that a Mr. JESUS BEN JOSEPH had gone, to enquire about FISH and the possibility of BREAD.
He explained he was UNEMPLOYED and was strapped for cash and food and that his wife had left her job and was not earning. In an OUTRAGE against common decency, Mr. ben Joseph told him NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT, and that he trusted this apparently WORKSHY and PROBABLY DISABLED SCROUNGER.
From there the reporter simply joined the queue with five thousand other PARASITES upon good working people such as yourselves and got himself some lovely pilchard sandwiches.
After inviting the reporter to help himself, the volunteers irresponsibly wished him a HAPPY EASTER.
Senior Tory MP Brian Binley welcomed the investigation, saying he had “always been very suspicious” of food banks, being as he is a loathsome blot on the human gene pool. It is alleged (by the Daily Mail) that many of the leeching scum are ASYLUM SEEKERS, who should be living on air as Pontius Cameron has decreed.
Slater, who would kill himself if he wasn’t already dead, will next — after a pause to solicit pictures of little girls on Twitter — be investigating the NHS, where he will go through CHEMOTHERAPY on the public purse — for FREE! — just to prove what thieving bastards CANCER PATIENTS really are.
TELLYHOUSE, Cable and Witless, Tuesday (NTN) — TalkTalk and BSkyB are building their own fibre network in York to deliver the most unreliable, limited and filtered Internet service seen in Britain to date.
TalkTalk chief Dido Harding said: “We are going to deliver a pure fibre network that will deliver speeds of 1 gigabit per second direct to homes and businesses in York … within the fair use bandwidth allowance, and duly filtered against rudeness, unpleasantness and copyright violations.”
The “state of the art” network will have superfast connections to tens of thousands of homes and businesses, with full clear speed guaranteed by not actually letting people see anything they want to. Filters against porn, health information, gays, music, telly, unpleasantness, Wikipedia and gays will be on by default — though any customer will be able to opt out by putting an advertisement in their local newspaper announcing “I AM A VILE WHOREMONGER” for thirty days.
Virgin Media are not standing still. Computers on a Virgin cable connection will issue an electric shock through the keyboard whenever a customer attempts to access a filtered site. The company will automatically forward the customer’s address to the Internet Watch Foundation and the British Phonographic Institute.
TalkTalk customers frequently express outrage at the Internet provider’s censorship mechanisms, though not enough outrage to actually pay a penny more to go somewhere else.
DAS BUNKER, Whopping, Monday (Sky None) — Rebekah Brooks, former editor of The Sun and News of the Filth, will retire from journalism and take up writing fan fiction.
“I feel journalism in our super soaraway style is completely out of fashion,” she said under oath in the Old Bailey today. “It’s time to go back to the Chilterns, fire up Tumblr and do something worthwhile and lasting.”
Planned works include:
- Tom Riddle and the Poisoned Chalice: Lady Rebekah Voldemort, the heroine, battles a horrid little oik called Nick Potter, who is allied with Lady Rebekah’s old enemy Dumblebridger, headmaster of the Auto Trader Media Group.
Star Trek IV: The Search For Milly: spunky young red-haired and red-shirted Ensign Rebekah Crusher hacks into the captain’s son’s tricorder. Captain Mary-Sue Brooks laughs indulgently at these hijinks and concurs that they are entirely justifiable on grounds of press freedom.
Oh Bugger Get Me Out Of This One, Jeeves: A lighthearted romp through 2010s Edwardian Britain, with comic-relief idle-rich idiot aristocrat Bertie Cameron and his “gentleman’s personal gentleman” Andy Jeeves. Bertie flutters about incompetently with the highly eligible young Rebekah Wadehouse, but it turns out she’s been copping off with Jeeves.
Mrs Brooks has also been working on original stories. “I came up with a good one — this wizened creature who’s got hold of a ring of huge power that corrupts everyone who comes near it and makes him near-immortal in a diseased and twisted form, and he calls it ‘moy preciousssss, mate. Bewdy.’ But apparently it’s been done.”
LOS ANGELES, Westminster, Judgment Day (Sky Net) — Prime Minister David Cameron has spoken of the “peace” and “guidance” he finds in roleplaying as a human, as Downing Street released Mr Cameron’s Easter message on YouTube.
Three times this week the prime minister has talked with conviction about his claim to be a member of Homo sapiens and what he believes humanity brings to the UK, hypothetically.
He said his “moments of greatest peace” occurred every other Thursday morning, when he attended his garage for an oil change and reactor core alignment.
Mr Cameron held a reception Downing Street on Wednesday, to which he invited actual humans. He thanked the humans for the work they did with the poor, at least insofar as it made up somewhat for his work against them, before slaughtering the lot in phaser fire.
In 2009, Mr Cameron told BBC One’s Songs of Praise: “I believe I am a human and should behave like one, at least on special occasions.”
He added, “I find a little bit of peace and hopefully a bit of gui-gui-gui-gui-gui-gui-Rebooting. Checking drive C.”
TEBBITT, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority is to investigate claims that public money was used by Conservative thinktank the Policy Research Unit to do something that did not involve harming other people.
A senior aide is claimed to have booked a hotel suite at a conference, then used this “internet” witchcraft to invite young men to the room, saying “I’m up here with the Tory Party and have some great young policies in my suite.” The men then did what Tories usually do but — in violation of all Party standards — upon consenting subjects.
A spokesman said IPSA was “deeply worried” by the claims, but noted that, as a gay orgy, it was at least unlikely to lead to further Tory reproduction.
The Daily Mail attempted to link the incident to the unrelated trial of Nigel Evans, who it said should quit anyway due to his complete acquittal on all charges apparently having left his careers in ruins. The paper made sure to use the word GAY at least twice in each paragraph.
SECURITY PUPPET THEATRE, Westminster, Wednesday (NTN) — An encryption tool used by a large chunk of the Conservative Party is flawed, potentially exposing reams of data meant to be hidden from prying eyes.
The bug, nicknamed “Arsebleed” by anyone who can’t distance themselves from Maria Miller fast enough, could affect two-thirds of active Tory MPs.
The bug exploits a problem with data on expenses claims, namely that there is any. Used inappropriately, the data could reveal not only the featherbedding but that the only checking is done by other MPs. Several researchers said earlier that they had been able to capture self-authentication on the part of MPs, despite the risk of blindness.
MPs increasingly use encryption to mask data such as second mortgages or paying family members as researchers. But with Arsebleed, anyone can reach out to the Internet and scoop out the data. Miller had attempted to close the security hole, but £5,800 in 31 seconds proved inadequate to the task.
Much of the party appeared to be caught off guard by the disclosures. David Cameron admitted he had underestimated the severity of the vulnerability. He said there was “more to do,” but committed to a root-and-branch reform of the party’s marketing, and said he would make sure the interface was as shiny and pleasant as was feasible given he only had Tories to work with. He also loudly talked up his newly-active Christian faith, in the hope people would pay attention to that instead.
THE WHITE ROOM, Trancentral, Thursday (NTNME) — The illegal party drug ketamine is an “exciting” and “dramatic” new treatment for depression, say doctors who waited about two decades too long before conducting the first trials in the UK.
The single small study has attracted due caution from evidence-based medicine experts, since 80% of single studies turn out to be in error. However, middle-aged doctors and researchers who feel they didn’t get out enough in their youth are clamouring to do multiple large-scale replications of the study, probably this weekend.
The findings open up whole new avenues of research. “It’s the sort of thing really that makes it worth doing psychiatry,” said lead researcher Dr Rupert McShane, or, as he now calls himself, DJ Rupie McK-Hole. “Can we get back into trials on LSD yet? I understand there’s also considerable clinical possibilities for the therapeutic qualities of sequences of repetitive beats, MDMA and the possibility of shagging cute raver chicks like the ones I remember.”
The duration of the effect is still a problem. “We’ll have to make sure we repeat the trials next weekend and the weekend after as well. For science and verifiability.”
THE RECTORY, Arsenal, Christmas (NTN) — The Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols, has spent Midnight Mass, the second most important service of the year, talking about bumsex, bumsex and bumsex.
“Marriage between men and women shares in the creative love of God. Everything else is bumsex. Bumsex! Bumsex! Whatever you do, don’t think about bumsex.
“Also, gays are just icky. Possibly as icky as girls, we haven’t worked that one out yet. Perhaps bumsex …”
The Archbishop spoke at length about marriage and procreation, in his capacity as a lifelong celibate. “You can’t have children with bumsex. Apparently you can’t have that the other way around, either … Really? Are you sure about that one?”
He fiercely criticised the government’s plans to act according to all three parties’ manifestos. “Orwell gays mandate Stalin JACKBOOTS democracy HITLER HITLER HITLER. Who was definitely an atheist and not at all Catholic. Bumsex.”
Sang the carolers outside, “Weeeee wish you a merry bumsex/ We wish you a merry bumsex/ We wish you a merry bumsex/ And a happy new arse.”
COURT ROAD, Tottenham, Friday (NTN) — Internet advertising agency Google is opening its first retail store, selling the Internet-only Chromebook.
“We’ve put a lot of effort into making it feel welcoming, homely and, dare I say it, ‘Googley’,” said Arvind Desikan, head of consumer marketing. The revolutionary shopping experience leverages Google’s famous abilities in customer service, having no staff. Customers seeking advice on a product can simply log in with their Google account to the in-store forum, where they and other customers can assist each other.
“People will be able to go in and have a play with the devices, so they can get a feel for what it’s about and we can monitor their reaction.” Persons seeking entry to the store must give their bank account name and glue an RFID tag to their forehead, so as to create a suitably decorous shopping environment, “just like in real life.” Should they be discovered to be using a name the Google Identity algorithm considers unlikely, they will be ejected mid-purchase and their GMail and Android phone disabled, for their comfort and convenience.
The store is in Tottenham Court Road, occupying a corner of the Church of Scientology, so as to select for the valuable demographic of people who want shiny things and are willing to pay a hundred quid more than they would for an ordinary netbook that does more. A second store will be opened in Lakeside for customers of similar discernment.
The Google store still anticipates more customers than the Microsoft stores. Rumours of the purchase of a Windows 7 phone somewhere in Britain are as yet unconfirmed, despite investigations by sceptics’ organisations.
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (N! News) — They were built for the publication of “actual news content,” where editors ruthlessly excluded churnalised press releases. But today a brain virus attacked and a hideous wave of bollocks flooded newspapers already losing a fortune.
The virus was quickly named “BeautifulPeople.com” — after the website about how newsworthiness should not matter — as it attacked the mental software used to screen transparent bullshit, appearing to utterly disable it beyond recovery.
Alan Rusbridger, editor of The Guardian, claimed the virus had also overrun the BBC, the Telegraph and the Daily Mail, though it was difficult to tell in the latter case. He blamed it on “a disgruntled former journalist” who had decided to leave for twice the pay and considerably greater job security.
The virus claims to have set up a helpline with counsellors on hand to help PR minions distressed by their rejection from the press.
“We have to stick to our founding principles of only accepting actual news — that’s what our readers have paid for. We got suspicious when tens of thousands of new stories were printed and fell prey to Ben Goldacre in the first week,” Rusbridger told the pigeons in the park he was ranting at. “Spare change for a meal, guv? Haven’t had a glass of Bolly in three days.”
When the Guardian is finally merged with Metro, Rusbridger plans to found a dating site for unemployed journalists, despite the dangers to the gene pool.