Category Archives: United Kingdom

Science: University press offices just trolling us now

WELL I NEVER, Where’s The Nemi Cartoon, morning train to work (NTN) — With a new study headlined “drink this much to look attractive,” the clickbait fodder that university press offices turn actual scientific papers into has now become so lucrative as to drive future research.

Science and wineFortunately, this has not restricted science in the slightest, as press officers take literally any abstruse arXiv preprint and rebrand it as “Researchers reveal the science of” e.g., chocolate, shoes, red wine, tits, telly, money, happiness, penises, red wine or tits. As shown by our caveman ancestors.

Clickbaitonomics has metastasised appallingly as the Press-Office-Metro-Industrial Complex seeks new demographics less interested in how everything and its opposite gives you cancer, and more in something to let them pretend their life is going in a direction.

“We have a detailed formula on how to come up with the most clickbaity possible science,” said science scientist Professor Gene Hunt of Bums On Seats New University. “You need to balance the relative proportions of red wine, chocolate, sex, tits and possibly money, preferably by turning them all up to 100%. It’s fascinating statistically. There’s probably a good paper in it.

“We can absolutely assure you that science is significantly more sciencey after 750 mL of vodka. We conduct multiple, repeated studies on this most evenings.”

Science discredits itself, claims red wine might not be wonderful for health

THE KITCHEN, After work, Friday (NTN) — In a body blow to the credibility of the scientific process itself, a new Mayo Clinic study suggests that necking gallons of red wine might not be the finest and most defensible thing ever for your health.

Wine bottle wine glassDespite the fact that everyone knows — by common sense — that red wine is good for your heart, makes you live longer, contains anti-oxidants, right, and makes you cleverer and your boyfriend sexy, some idiots are claiming that res-res-verra-thing might not be great if you have too much. Whatever probably stupidly inadequate amount “too much” is.

You have to keep in mind, OK, that eighty percent of single medical studies are actually wrong. Eighty percent! And this is obviously one of them.

The researchers analyzed how reserva … resvah … the chemical reacted with “satellite cells” in muscles. Regeneration. They said it was good in small doses, which is obviously right, but bad in large ones, which is just stupidly wrong. I mean, really.

Res-thing is in chocolates, too, which just shows how good it is. I bet they’ll tell us we have to balance red wine versus chocolate or something. Fuckers.

This professor, right, Hans Degens, at Manchester Metropolitan Uni, said that ten micro … molar dose was the good amount. I expect that’s about a bottle. Maybe two. He didn’t mention chocolates, ‘cos he knew what was fucking good for him.

Oh, that fucker. That piece of shit. He brought the chocolate into it. Right. We’re going on a train trip. Bring the empties, we’ll need ’em.

Cognitive illusion: Clickbait colour debate goes global

HOT HOT HOT, Cyberspice, Friday (FuzzBleed) — Some timewasting clickbait about the colour of a dress has become an Internet sensation, because not only is it Friday, but the idea of doing work at work fell by the wayside some time yesterday afternoon.

Generic woman in generic coffinThe music industry marketing marketers responsible sought views on Tumblr, Reddit, Twitter and anywhere else they could spam about whether the clickbait was gold and white, black and blue or RED. RED LIKE THE FREELY FLOWING BLOOD OF THE LAST MARKETER, STRUNG FROM A LAMPPOST BY THE GUTS OF THE LAST SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER.

The debate’s hash tag #TheClickbait is the top trending Twitter tag. Infosec Taylor Swift confirmed that the clickbait was in a quantum superposition and that Flash needed updating.

Scientists weighed in with detailed explanations of how human cognitive biases mean the most blatantly inane advertising material imaginable is still more interesting than spreadsheets.

“This was the best day of Twitter yet, which is saying so little I could type it with my forehead,” tweeted Matt Ford, national editor for The Atlantic, who probably had dreams once.

Shock study: 4 out of 5 British women are ugly and smell

WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Monday (NTN) — In a SHOCKING new commissioned press release study, a full 79% of British women are disgusting skanks who don’t spend sufficiently on the study sponsor’s marvellous packaged beauty products.

Lily Allen spitting in a bikiniOnly 21% of “feeemales” take the time to shower or bath every day, two-thirds don’t remove makeup before bed when they come home smashed after a night out, and far too few spend actual money on the sponsor’s facial cleanse products. “Despite knowing the importance of a suitably elaborate skin care regime!” exclaimed study sponsor Maxine Flint. “We tell them often enough!

“It is so important to clean your face daily and moisturise to slow down the ageing process. Also, you need to pick your genes better.”

British women were unimpressed with the survey. “At least when I collapse unconscious in a skip at 4am, I redo my lippy when I crawl out. Gorra look presennable, innit. Also, vodka works like Febreze. Just need to splash enough on. ’Scuse me.” (vomits)

Meanwhile, here’s a stock image of an apparently-naked woman in the shower, with strategic soap bubbles, and a publicity shot of a skinny Z-list “celebrity” in a bikini under a waterfall, for genuine journalistic purposes.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Dakota Johnson admits taking home raunchy items from B&Q

SPILL IN AISLE 3, Homebase, Long Weekend (NTN) — Dakota Johnson has revealed she took items home from the set of Fifty Shades of Grey – including an ornamental flowerpot and a fifteen-foot length of 2×4.

Fifty Shades sexy drill womanShe also admitted to taking hot hot hot paintbrushes, grouting and that weird triple adapter to piggyback your dishwasher off your washing machine.

The hit documentary, directed by Sam Taylor Johnson, delves into the world of suburban debauchery, with couples going out and openly purchasing do-it-yourself home improvement materials. E. L. James’ erotic handyman how-to was originally written as fan fiction of the famous Haynes manual series.

25-year-old Johnson, who plays obedient household helper Anastasia Steele, said her biggest career sacrifice was that “now the whole world can see me dressed in overalls and cement-stained workboots.” She refused to be involved with fluffy dice, however.

Johnson also confirmed she will star in the second installment of the series, Fifty Shades of Beige.

Cameron suggests “open union” to Scotland

FRONT ROOM OF PARLIAMENT, Southminster, Tuesday (NTN) — David Cameron has made the latest in an increasingly desperate series of pleas, suggesting to Scotland that the United Kingdom become an “open union.”

Sad David Cameron in snow“We know that Norway has recently caught Scotland’s eye. We can understand that. We like Norway ourselves. What we suggest is a more open union between England and Scotland. Scotland can sign a free-association agreement with Norway, and we won’t mind, not as long as Scotland always comes home to us. We would maybe even be up for a three-party union.”

Scottish National Party leader Alex Salmond sighed. “What England needs to understand is that it’s not just about Norway. Yes, they’ve been impressing us with their social model and sensible investment of North Sea oil money into their future. This is about England.”

Cameron looked pained. “We understand Scotland has had difficulties with England. And we’re sorry. And we can change, we promise.”

Salmond continued sighing: “You’ve said that before, and we’ve believed you. England, we’re just not that into you. It’s over.”

Cameron adjusted his fedora trilby, before replying “I bet Scotland wouldn’t be able to find another country to be in a union with, anyway. Norway is probably only interested in you because it wants to get its hands on the Shetlands, and Iceland is just not ready to commit. Frankly, Scotland should be grateful that we’re interested in maintaining the historic union between our two great nations.” He looked sad. “Besides, which, has Scotland considered what will happen to Gibraltar and the Falklands if it goes?

“Please don’t leave,” he added.

How our Daily Mail reporter got fish and bread from the claimed messiah — no questions asked

ASSOCIATED BLACKSHIRTS, Ninth Bolgia, Easter Sunday (Daily Mail) — Our reporter ROSS SLATER, who had dreams once, arrived at the REMOTE PLACE that a Mr. JESUS BEN JOSEPH had gone, to enquire about FISH and the possibility of BREAD.

“BRB LOL”He explained he was UNEMPLOYED and was strapped for cash and food and that his wife had left her job and was not earning. In an OUTRAGE against common decency, Mr. ben Joseph told him NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT, and that he trusted this apparently WORKSHY and PROBABLY DISABLED SCROUNGER.

From there the reporter simply joined the queue with five thousand other PARASITES upon good working people such as yourselves and got himself some lovely pilchard sandwiches.

After inviting the reporter to help himself, the volunteers irresponsibly wished him a HAPPY EASTER.

Senior Tory MP Brian Binley welcomed the investigation, saying he had “always been very suspicious” of food banks, being as he is a loathsome blot on the human gene pool. It is alleged (by the Daily Mail) that many of the leeching scum are ASYLUM SEEKERS, who should be living on air as Pontius Cameron has decreed.

Slater, who would kill himself if he wasn’t already dead, will next — after a pause to solicit pictures of little girls on Twitter — be investigating the NHS, where he will go through CHEMOTHERAPY on the public purse — for FREE! — just to prove what thieving bastards CANCER PATIENTS really are.

TalkTalk and Sky to bring completely shit fibre Internet to York

TELLYHOUSE, Cable and Witless, Tuesday (NTN) — TalkTalk and BSkyB are building their own fibre network in York to deliver the most unreliable, limited and filtered Internet service seen in Britain to date.

Scorpions “Virgin Killer” in LegoTalkTalk chief Dido Harding said: “We are going to deliver a pure fibre network that will deliver speeds of 1 gigabit per second direct to homes and businesses in York … within the fair use bandwidth allowance, and duly filtered against rudeness, unpleasantness and copyright violations.”

The “state of the art” network will have superfast connections to tens of thousands of homes and businesses, with full clear speed guaranteed by not actually letting people see anything they want to. Filters against porn, health information, gays, music, telly, unpleasantness, Wikipedia and gays will be on by default — though any customer will be able to opt out by putting an advertisement in their local newspaper announcing “I AM A FILTHY WHOREMONGER” for thirty days.

Virgin Media are not standing still. Computers on a Virgin cable connection will issue an electric shock through the keyboard whenever a customer attempts to access a filtered site. The company will automatically forward the customer’s address to the Internet Watch Foundation and the British Phonographic Institute.

TalkTalk customers frequently express outrage at the Internet provider’s censorship mechanisms, though not enough outrage to actually pay a penny more to go somewhere else.

Rebekah Brooks quits journalism to write fan fiction

DAS BUNKER, Whopping, Monday (Sky None) — Rebekah Brooks, former editor of The Sun and News of the Filth, will retire from journalism and take up writing fan fiction.

Rebekah Brooks (Wade) of Slytherin“I feel journalism in our super soaraway style is completely out of fashion,” she said under oath in the Old Bailey today. “It’s time to go back to the Chilterns, fire up Tumblr and do something worthwhile and lasting.”

Planned works include:

  • Tom Riddle and the Poisoned Chalice: Lady Rebekah Voldemort, the heroine, battles a horrid little oik called Nick Potter, who is allied with Lady Rebekah’s old enemy Dumblebridger, headmaster of the Auto Trader Media Group.

  • Star Trek IV: The Search For Milly: spunky young red-haired and red-shirted Ensign Rebekah Crusher hacks into the captain’s son’s tricorder. Captain Mary-Sue Brooks laughs indulgently at these hijinks and concurs that they are entirely justifiable on grounds of press freedom.

  • Oh Bugger Get Me Out Of This One, Jeeves: A lighthearted romp through 2010s Edwardian Britain, with comic-relief idle-rich idiot aristocrat Bertie Cameron and his “gentleman’s personal gentleman” Andy Jeeves. Bertie flutters about incompetently with the highly eligible young Rebekah Wadehouse, but it turns out she’s been copping off with Jeeves.

Mrs Brooks has also been working on original stories. “I came up with a good one — this wizened creature who’s got hold of a ring of huge power that corrupts everyone who comes near it and makes him near-immortal in a diseased and twisted form, and he calls it ‘moy preciousssss, mate. Bewdy.’ But apparently it’s been done.”

David Cameron claims membership in humanity in Easter message

LOS ANGELES, Westminster, Judgment Day (Sky Net) — Prime Minister David Cameron has spoken of the “peace” and “guidance” he finds in roleplaying as a human, as Downing Street released Mr Cameron’s Easter message on YouTube.

David Cameron's TerminatorThree times this week the prime minister has talked with conviction about his claim to be a member of Homo sapiens and what he believes humanity brings to the UK, hypothetically.

He said his “moments of greatest peace” occurred every other Thursday morning, when he attended his garage for an oil change and reactor core alignment.

Mr Cameron held a reception Downing Street on Wednesday, to which he invited actual humans. He thanked the humans for the work they did with the poor, at least insofar as it made up somewhat for his work against them, before slaughtering the lot in phaser fire.

In 2009, Mr Cameron told BBC One’s Songs of Praise: “I believe I am a human and should behave like one, at least on special occasions.”

He added, “I find a little bit of peace and hopefully a bit of gui-gui-gui-gui-gui-gui-Rebooting. Checking drive C.”