Category Archives: Technology

TalkTalk and Sky to bring completely shit fibre Internet to York

TELLYHOUSE, Cable and Witless, Tuesday (NTN) — TalkTalk and BSkyB are building their own fibre network in York to deliver the most unreliable, limited and filtered Internet service seen in Britain to date.

Scorpions “Virgin Killer” in LegoTalkTalk chief Dido Harding said: “We are going to deliver a pure fibre network that will deliver speeds of 1 gigabit per second direct to homes and businesses in York … within the fair use bandwidth allowance, and duly filtered against rudeness, unpleasantness and copyright violations.”

The “state of the art” network will have superfast connections to tens of thousands of homes and businesses, with full clear speed guaranteed by not actually letting people see anything they want to. Filters against porn, health information, gays, music, telly, unpleasantness, Wikipedia and gays will be on by default — though any customer will be able to opt out by putting an advertisement in their local newspaper announcing “I AM A VILE WHOREMONGER” for thirty days.

Virgin Media are not standing still. Computers on a Virgin cable connection will issue an electric shock through the keyboard whenever a customer attempts to access a filtered site. The company will automatically forward the customer’s address to the Internet Watch Foundation and the British Phonographic Institute.

TalkTalk customers frequently express outrage at the Internet provider’s censorship mechanisms, though not enough outrage to actually pay a penny more to go somewhere else.

Tories fall to “Arsebleed” security hole

SECURITY PUPPET THEATRE, Westminster, Wednesday (NTN) — An encryption tool used by a large chunk of the Conservative Party is flawed, potentially exposing reams of data meant to be hidden from prying eyes.

ArsebleedThe bug, nicknamed “Arsebleed” by anyone who can’t distance themselves from Maria Miller fast enough, could affect two-thirds of active Tory MPs.

The bug exploits a problem with data on expenses claims, namely that there is any. Used inappropriately, the data could reveal not only the featherbedding but that the only checking is done by other MPs. Several researchers said earlier that they had been able to capture self-authentication on the part of MPs, despite the risk of blindness.

MPs increasingly use encryption to mask data such as second mortgages or paying family members as researchers. But with Arsebleed, anyone can reach out to the Internet and scoop out the data. Miller had attempted to close the security hole, but £5,800 in 31 seconds proved inadequate to the task.

Much of the party appeared to be caught off guard by the disclosures. David Cameron admitted he had underestimated the severity of the vulnerability. He said there was “more to do,” but committed to a root-and-branch reform of the party’s marketing, and said he would make sure the interface was as shiny and pleasant as was feasible given he only had Tories to work with. He also loudly talked up his newly-active Christian faith, in the hope people would pay attention to that instead.

Mozilla announces Javascript For Heterosexuals

BAY WARD, San Francisco, Tuesday (NTN-Combinator) — Mozilla announced on Tuesday the new scripting language for Firefox: Javascript For Heterosexuals.

Overly Manly Man with keyboardJavascript For Heterosexuals, created by incoming CEO Brendan Eich, is a static, rigidly typed, prototype-based language with first-class functions, and second-class ones.

Javascript For Heterosexuals will be restricted to users in committed heterosexual relationships with at least four children, to make sure they really mean it and aren’t just claiming the “heterosexual” label as some sort of “lifestyle” choice reverse-discrimination benefits scam.

Some intolerant insufficiently-heterosexual people have objected to this use restriction. Fortunately, Hacker News posters promptly brought people’s attention to what a huge social problem heterophobia is, and labeled these people the Nazis they are. “God created ‘GET’ and ‘POST’, not ‘GET’ and ‘STEVE’!”

“Just because I have worked for insufficiently-heterosexual people not to have basic rights does not mean I think they don’t deserve basic rights,” Eich posted today. “If my views are implemented, insufficiently-heterosexual people will be treated as less than fully human — but this in no way means that my past behavior predicts my future behavior. Or that my subordinates or company partners should worry about this. I’d like people to try to understand me better.”

“We assure you that all the insufficiently-heterosexual employees at Mozilla firmly support Brendan,” the company said in a posting today, “or at least the ones who felt comfortable to speak up. Equating a company with its CEO is ridiculous. It’s not like the CEO is everyone’s boss with tremendous control over every employee’s future and the company’s future public actions.” The company followed up with a post reassuring the community that it wouldn’t actively try to break Californian employment laws.

“I have no concerns whatsoever about Javascript For Heterosexuals,” said an insufficiently-heterosexual Mozilla employee who declined to be named for this story. “There are times when you need to set aside the disagreement and commit to working together in service of the shared goal, and anyway Wikimedia doesn’t pay nearly as well.”

Other commenters have asked that you leave Brendan alone. “The great thing about creating Javascript is that whatever other terrible things you do in your life seem trivial by comparison.”

Spring clean: Google Search now part of Google Plus

MONOLITH VIEW, Silicone Valley, Thursday (NTN) — We’re in a new world of computing. You need “personal”, “social” and “on the go”. So “search” will “join the social” on Google Plus.

Tiananmen Google Tank ManWe know Search has a devoted following who will be very sad to see it go. We’re sad too. There are two simple reasons for this: usage of Google Plus Search has declined, and as a company we’re pouring all of our energy into fewer products. We think that kind of focus will make for a better — and more sociable — user experience.

It’s been a long time since we’ve had this rate of change — it probably hasn’t happened since the birth of social media in July 2011, with our superior social media platform, Google Plus. So today we’re officially folding a number of other products into Google Plus:

  • YouTube will become Google Plus Video. Your YouTube will be just the same, you’ll just need a username you have government ID for. Don’t worry — you can trust us with it.
  • Google Maps API will become Google Plus Maps. You’ll need to add your house, your workplace, your favourite retail experiences and your credit card number to your “circles”, then you can look up any place you want. You can opt out to Apple Maps any time you like.
  • Google Docs got absorbed by Google Drive, which will become Google SUM(). Imagine the “social” of your spreadsheets being rated by all your friends! Once again, users who opt out are free to revel in the joys of Office 365.
  • Google Voice App for BlackBerry will be discontinued once we’ve found both remaining BlackBerry users and notified them.
  • Orkut, of course, is being kept.

We know you’ll be delighted with the Google Plus experience, with hundreds of millions of people every month delighted to be using Google Plus! Or products that require a profile on it. It’s like Facebook without all the annoying people on it. Or any people. But the people on it love it with huge enthusiasm, just like the ones who loved Google Buzz before we shot that through the head too. Come onto Plus, or Vic will cry. You don’t want to see Vic crying, do you? Asshole. You probably hurt puppies, too.

To ensure a smooth transition, we’re providing a three-month sunset period so you have sufficient time to find an alternate web-searching solution. Good luck on that one. Because, and you know it in your heart, Google Plus as a search engine still sucks less than Bing.

Google opens first retail store

COURT ROAD, Tottenham, Friday (NTN) — Internet advertising agency Google is opening its first retail store, selling the Internet-only Chromebook.

Google Sauron“We’ve put a lot of effort into making it feel welcoming, homely and, dare I say it, ‘Googley’,” said Arvind Desikan, head of consumer marketing. The revolutionary shopping experience leverages Google’s famous abilities in customer service, having no staff. Customers seeking advice on a product can simply log in with their Google account to the in-store forum, where they and other customers can assist each other.

“People will be able to go in and have a play with the devices, so they can get a feel for what it’s about and we can monitor their reaction.” Persons seeking entry to the store must give their bank account name and glue an RFID tag to their forehead, so as to create a suitably decorous shopping environment, “just like in real life.” Should they be discovered to be using a name the Google Identity algorithm considers unlikely, they will be ejected mid-purchase and their GMail and Android phone disabled, for their comfort and convenience.

The store is in Tottenham Court Road, occupying a corner of the Church of Scientology, so as to select for the valuable demographic of people who want shiny things and are willing to pay a hundred quid more than they would for an ordinary netbook that does more. A second store will be opened in Lakeside for customers of similar discernment.

The Google store still anticipates more customers than the Microsoft stores. Rumours of the purchase of a Windows 7 phone somewhere in Britain are as yet unconfirmed, despite investigations by sceptics’ organisations.

Bing Minus to “cut off Facebook’s air supply”

YESLER WAY, Seattle, Saturday (MSBBC) — Microsoft today stealth-released its new social network, Bing Minus, automatically adding every person in the world still using Internet Explorer, such as your mother.

Steve Ballmer overjoyed at Microsoft’s quarterly resultsThe Bing Minus software was distributed Friday morning in an automatic urgent mandatory critical Windows security update. It will also be available on Windows Phone 7 and BlackBerry.

“Social networking is the new primary focus Microsoft is betting the business on,” said CEO Steve Ballmer, defining “the business” as “my job.” “It’s already banned in China!” he proudly declared, although Chinese contacts deny this. Productivity has also increased in offices containing Bing Minus users.

Bloggers and tweeters are already swapping tips on how not to obtain Bing Minus invitations every time you click on anything whatsoever in IE or Windows itself.

“Facebook is definitely quaking in its boots. Who are users going to want to give all their information to, Facebook or Microsoft? I think the choice is obvious.”

Ballmer looks forward to a bright future for Bing Minus. “Whatever happens,” he said, “it’s going to suck less than Buzz.”

Authorities definitely closing in on LulzSec

DRAMATICA, Wackyleeks, Wednesday (textfiles.com) — The noose is tightening on LulzSec, oh yes it is, with a red-handed capture nearly almost imminent, said FBI Media Liaison today, and don’t you worry about that.

u r doin it rongThe drug-running terrorist paedophile probably-Chinese-government members of LulzSec have used their horrifying and “l33t” “Internet Relay Chat” skills (or “sk1llz0r,” as “hackers” call them) to break into some of the most complicatedly protected computery gadget devices on the Inter-web-thingy, particularly the ones running Microsoft Windows. Just like your computer does!!

“Fortunately,” fed an off-the-record FBI source, “we have tracked down these dastardly fiends to their festering basement lairs, where they sit all day exchanging BitCoins via their ‘four-channel’ systems. Our agents are poised right now to swoop, swoop! upon these avatars of delinquency! Multiple US agencies are involved. They might be right outside!

Authorities worry the “hackers” will get wind of the raids and scatter and burn the evidence. Repeat, the authorities don’t want the group to scatter and burn the evidence. Just so that’s clear with everyone.

LulzSec was formed by a group of Scientologists interested in Guy Fawkes. The group is named after “lulls,” which is when the four-channel system goes quiet, and “sex,” the availability of which would cause the group’s immediate collapse.

Bitcoin to revolutionise the economy

Bitcoin is a decentralised computer currency designed by self-righteous Ayn Rand-reading nerds who despise looters and parasites like, er, you. It is used to purchase Internet services, illegal drugs and pictures of naked women holding video cards.

Bitcoin works by an emergent synergy of cryptography, peer-to-peer, anonymity, anarchism, libertarianism, wasting stupendous quantities of electricity, the marketing department at NVidia, the enduring exchange value of tulip bulbs and doing all of this instead of Folding@Home.

Bitcoin successfully harnesses a hitherto-unexploited Internet resource: the vast reserves of unexamined privilege amongst computer programmers. Coins are “mined” by stealing them from people who are able to comprehend this level of computer science but still keep their Bitcoin wallet in plain text on a Windows machine.

The Bitcoin system is robustly designed to continue past the inevitable collapse of the US dollar and the world economy, as the Internet, fast computers and reliable electricity are all expected to be readily available when barbarian hordes are wandering the burnt-out post-apocalyptic remnants of civilisation.

It is completely incorrect to describe Bitcoin as a “pyramid scheme.” Technically, it’s a “pump-and-dump.”

Many common products are still inexplicably not purchasable with Bitcoins. “It’s like they don’t understand the revolutionary wonder of Bitcoin,” says Debian developer Hiram Nerdboy, 17. “I can’t get chicks with Bitcoins either. Even with my slickest Pick-Up Artist techniques! It’s as if my knowledge of economics, game theory and Bayesian epistemology didn’t substitute for understanding anything about people. But that’s impossible, of course. They’re probably just theists. Hold on, I just gotta post to Slashdot about this.”

Bitcoin was invented by Internet libertarians, in the spirit of freely-chosen individual interpersonal interactions that will bring about the utter collapse of the oppressive taint of the dead hand of government, in order to make money at your expense.

Actual jail time for being blithering idiot on Internet

CYBERPRION, Arsebook, September (times.co.uk) — The much-maligned British justice system was lauded the world over today as someone was actually jailed for being a drooling lackwit on the Internet.

Drunk Facebook girlGene pool blight Joanne Fraill admitted researching the defendant she was trying as a juror, contacting the defendant during the case and telling the defendant about the jury’s deliberations. “It seemed like a good idea at the time. Lol.”

Fraill had previously come to police attention for seventeen “OMG”s, ten hopelessly misspelt status updates and, in an example the judge condemned as “one of the most egregious violations of human decency I can recall seeing,” rumours of over thirty YouTube comments.

The Internet has been hailed as the universal communication channel, allowing humanity to come together in cultural unity and mutual understanding, and bring the fruits of our collective idiocy to all. In our faces. Forever.

George Osborne announced plans to solve Britain’s economic woes with a special tax on Internet creationism, scientific racism and libertarianism, although the United States threatened to enact special laws to protect American bloggers’ constitutional right to be a fuckwit from British courts.

Drunk Facebook girl 2

Despite some protests, which have been ignored for stupidity and incomprehensibility, the British public has enthusiastically embraced the moves, fully agreeing that it was about time we gave fascism a chance.

“When they came for the Trekkies, I said ‘Hey, you guys missed a couple. See, there’s one right over there.’ When they came for the spammers, I said ‘Glad to see my tax money at work!’ When they came for the AOL users, I said ‘October came late this year.’ When they came for the people who post their messages in txt spk, I said ‘So, you guys hiring anytime soon?’”

UK plans cyber-weapons programme

HEY HEY 16K, R: Tape Loading Error, Thursday (NTK) — GCHQ has begun work on a range of uniquely British cyber-weapons to add to Britain’s defensive capability.

Atari 5200 Missile Command“Cyber-Space,” said General Jonathan Shaw, pronouncing the hyphen between the words, “represents conflict without borders. But we can use the finest of British technical pluck to fight off Johnny Cyberforeigner!”

“We need a toolbox of capabilities,” said armed forces minister Nick Harvey.”For instance, we have a truckload of old Psion EPOCs, which are excellent for hand-to-hand combat. We can also demoralise the enemy with talk of what a fantastic OS it has and how their Nokia with Symbian just can’t compare. Then, of course, we drive a truck over them.”

Other research weapons include Sinclair ZX81 ninja stars, BBC Model B boat anchors and more ethically questionable devices such as Amstrad Emailer land mines.

The foreign secretary, William Hague, told a security conference in Munich in February that the Foreign Office had repelled a cyber-attack a month earlier from “a hostile agency. Fortunately, Mesh Computers are now safely in administration and can’t sell us incredibly rubbish white box PCs ever again.”

Harvey did not specify where future threats might come from. “It would be foolish to assume the West can always dictate the pace and direction of this cyber-techno-electrickery-logy-stuff. Thing. I understand there are clever people in the world who don’t even live in Britain. Imagine that!

The cyber-warfare initiative is anticipated to fully achieve its objectives over the next five years, those being a suitably fattened defence budget and continuing contract bungs to BAE Systems.