Category Archives: Sport

Cyber terrorism identified as major excuse for Olympics

MISSILE COMMAND, South Bank, Monday (NTN) — A new generation of sophisticated “cyber terrorists” are to be blamed for the imminent failure of the London 2012 Olympics.

Robo-BorisAlthough the Coalition’s National Security Strategy identifies climate change, population growth, the rise of al-Qaeda and the return of Northern Ireland-based terrorism as significant problems, the document focuses on the most important threat to Britain: attacks on the economic interests of Conservative party backers.

The terrorists, hypothesised to be Internet fundamentalists devoted to copying MP3s, deriding software patents, editing Wikipedia and turning British athletic prowess into nanotechnological dust, will use artificial intelligence to hack into the ZX Spectrum that runs Boris Johnson and replace him with a slightly larger shell script.

A large-scale conventional military attack on the UK is rated only as a “tier three” priority alongside disruption to oil and gas supplies and a large-scale radioactive release from a civil nuclear site. “File sharing. That’s how they’ll destroy us all. Don’t say you weren’t warned! ACS:Law and the Ministry of Sound are just the first shots!”

The 8% cut in the defence budget will be patched with an additional £500m of spending on “all things ‘cyber,’” focused on the very finest snake oil that the party’s very dearest friends can sell.

In a joint foreword to the strategy, Prime Minister David Cameron and Deputy Cameron Nick Clegg said that there needs to be a “radical transformation” in British national security. “We are entering an age of uncertainty. This strategy should nicely put the wind up voters in time for the alternative vote referendum. Strangely enough, we both think we can get our way. This proves the deep agreement at the heart of the Coalition. Nick thinks so too, I’m sure he would if I asked him.”

England beats the colonies for once, really it does

LARDS, Motley Cricket Club, Tuesday (NTN) — The cricket world has been rocked by suggestions that Pakistan may have deliberately thrown games and England might not actually be the geniuses of sport they consider themselves.

England captain Stuart Broad stoutly maintained that England’s victories had been every bit as much of a sporting achievement as the team claimed they had, even if the bit where the Pakistan team hadn’t bothered showing up for the match might have caused the churlish, suspicious and stunted of mind to suspect they were throwing the game.

“Believe me, the, er, throwing against us at Lord’s was of a very high standard. I don’t care if they were drop-kicking the … red … thing along the … patch between the … wooden things, and walking on their hands to get the catches. Our three-run victory is ours,” he sobbed, “and you won’t take it away, you rotter. I always believed I had a Test century in me, and now I are one.”

“The suggestion that cricket players could engage in corruption has horrified everyone,” said Professional Cricketers Association boss Angus Porter. “But people are most susceptible to bribes when they are in need. So we need to make sure the players on the field are adequately compensated.”

“Corruption must be dealt with promptly and effectively by those officiating,” said Nick Cousins of the Association of Cricket Officials. “Of course, you can’t put underpaid officials in charge of millionaire athletes and not expect problems. The umpires will, obviously, need to be adequately compensated.”

“A root and branch investigation of professional cricket is required,” said International Cricket Council chief executive Haroon Lorgat, “which will of course be costly in terms of making sure the right people are on hand to steer the process. But the best way to obtain the very highest quality of managerial effort is to ensure the executives in question are adequately compensated.”

Talk of corruption in international sport has even reached football, with Fabio Capello declining to comment on rumours that a shadowy group of businessmen called the “Football Association” had offered him substantial sums of money to cause England to break all expectations and win an international game.

Neo-Nazis protest co-option of English flag by football fans

BORE CONSTRICTOR, Vulvalezza, Monday (NTN) — White nationalist activists have come forth in record numbers (ten or so) to sternly protest the usurpation of the flag of St George by football fans.

St George’s Berlin Wall“Our noble emblem and gathering point has been stolen,” said racially-aware activist Nick Tyndale, “by Zionist World Cup marketers, suburban arseholes and kids and Paki shopkeepers. They even put them on their cars! Just as if it’s normal!”

The Aryan separatists had promoted the use of the flag when forbidden much of their traditional symbology in Germany, who recently introduced laws enforcing a minimum hair length, with government-provided Bundeshaar toupées for those claiming genetic disposition to baldness or some such rubbish.

The Nazis then adopted the Celtic cross, only to have it co-opted by hippies and crusties, who had “viciously stolen our symbol five hundred years before. Commie wankers.”

Desperate, they finally resorted to a Confederate “stars’n’bars” flag. “But people kept coming up and singing Primal Scream songs at my girlfriend.”

English Hindus offered a compromise, in which they would only use a version of the St George’s flag with an extra line at right angles on the end of each arm of the cross, to resemble an ancient Jainist symbol of good luck and well wishes. “But some people protested vociferously and feigned terrible upset. They must be some awful bigoted sort of persons.”

Watford Council saves children from parents

CRAPLAND, M25, Thursday (NNN) — Watford Council has barred access to two adventure playgrounds to parents, in order to protect their own children from them. Despite being widely publicised in the Daily Mail, it turned out the story was in fact accurate.

Pripyat, Chernobyl ferris wheel“We have made sure all children are under the care of qualified CRB checked and legit staff!!!” said Dorothy Thornhill, mayor of Watford, in her ‘blog.’ “I bet the parents can’t say that!!!!!”

Ms Thornhill said this action was required by Ofsted regulations, despite Ofsted saying even they weren’t so stupid as this. “Everyone knows most assaults on children come from their own parents, not from bogeymen strangers!! Imagine what the papers would say if a child was snatched from the playground and brutally beaten and violated and killed!!!!!!!!! We would never hear the end of it!!!!!!!

“No, better two adventure playgrounds contain only our legitimate CRB-checked, DNA-stored and GPS-tracked supervisory staff and no-one else whatsoever!! than allow even one child to be harmed!!!!!!!!! Not to mention us. We have an election thingy coming up next year, you know.”

Ms Thornhill refused further comment, leaving to have fun on the playground equipment with the qualified supervisors, other councillors and senior council staff. “Bugger off. It’s ours.”

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Our boy Murray shows Johnny Foreigner “what-for” at French Open

EUROTRASH, Antoine de Caunes, Tuesday (NNN) — The great Scottish British English tennis ace Andy Murray stunned observers with his brilliant moral victory over the Spaniard Chilean Fernando González at the French Open in Roland Garres on Tuesday afternoon, showing these people-who-begin-at-Calais what-for and romping home with one brilliant set to the Chilean’s robotic and soulless three.

Pong screenshot“He correctly identified the ‘ball,’ a round object that one apparently hits with a ‘tennis bat’ — or ‘bat de tennis,’ to use the Continental term — over a ‘net,’ at least three times out of every four,” said veteran Telegraph sports commentator Ian Chadband. “With this level of skill on tap, continued and unstoppable British dominance of all known sporting endeavours is absolutely assured.”

The Chilean pretender disgraced himself, his country and the entire Hispanic race with his silly headband, quite ridiculous metrosexual stubble, childish yellow shirt and brutish retreat to mere thuglike physical force and accuracy over the considered, reasoned, subtle planning and brilliance employed by our chap Murray. “His comical hot-blooded Latin fist-shaking whenever he technically ‘won’ a ‘point’ was particularly amusing. One more such victory and they are surely ruined.”

The wily French openly conspired with their South American crony to set up their Open on a primitive artificial clay court, rather than the proper grass field favoured by gentlemen. “Still, educating such backward savages is the white man’s burden and why we have an Empire,” noted Chadband.

“‘Gonzo’! What sort of puffery is a name like that, I ask you? Such foolishness in the noble game of tennis just isn’t cricket.”

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