‘Science’ Archives
Shroud of Turin proven genuine after Large Hadron Collider switched on
SEVENTH IMPOSSIBLE THING, Vatican City, Friday (NNN) — A Vatican researcher claims to have proven the Shroud of Turin genuine, shortly after the Large Hadron Collider achieved a half-circuit proton beam on Friday. The shroud was previously carbon-dated to the 1300s. However, Dr Barbara Frale asserts in her new book The Shroud is Real so [...]
Dating site matches people through E. coli tests
KALLIKAK, Gattaca, Saturday (NotScientist) — Genetic testing companies are promising to match couples based on Escherichia coli testing, touting the benefits of biological compatibility and claiming a match means better personality match, better sex and conclusive proof that they match down to the asshole. "How many dating services can [...]
Scientists surprised to find men attracted to women with big tits
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Tuesday (NNN) — Women with large breasts appear to attract the attention of men, scientists were absolutely amazed to discover. Researchers from the University of Metro, writing in Evolution and Human Behaviour Illustrated, have spent many, many hours studying 16,000 women and girls, and their boobs, in quite close detail [...]
Device that “smells” snake oil could identify terrorists
SECURITY ZOETROPE, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) A device claimed to "smell" human fear is being marketed as identifying terrorists by detecting "fear pheromones" in sweat. "The challenge lies in the characterisation and identification of the specific chemical that gives away the signature of human fear," said project leader Professor Tong Sun of [...]
Did humans and Neanderthals interbreed?
LASCAUX TESCAUX, Town Centre, Saturday night (NNN) — Modern humans and Neanderthals had sex across the species barrier, according to Professor Svante Paabo, a political scientist researching the British National Party. Prof Paabo will shortly publish his analysis of the entire Neanderthal genome, using DNA retrieved from fossils. He aims to [...]
Daily Mail suspends complete bollocks injections after reader dies of stupidity
DACRE, Moron Piers, Tuesday (NNN) — Associated Newspapers today suspended all injections of scaremongering bollocks after a reader seemed to die of stupidity hours after reading the Daily Mail. Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam, was found dead in his armchair after reading the UK Daily Mail's campaign against cervical cancer vaccines [...]
Biotech stocks plummet in wake of public health policies that favor humans
OVER 60 MILLION GOT SERVED, Just Over The Border, Wednesday (NNN) — Biotechnology companies banking on a severe swine flu pandemic were shocked this week when US health officials approved four H1N1 vaccines, triggering a selloff in the sector. "This is outrageous fiscal irresponsibility from the Democrat Party," said analyst Brian Adams. "A [...]
Placebos more effective than most new drugs
CRYSTAL CAULDRON, Goldacre, Monday (NotScientist) — The pharmaceutical industry is reeling from the news that more and more new drugs do no better than a placebo. Despite historic levels of industry investment in research and development, the FDA approved only 19 new drugs in 2007 and 24 in 2008. The placebo effect has been [...]
Designers prefer websites designed by designers
PAGE 3, Channel 5, August (NNN) — Men prefer websites designed by men, women prefer those designed by women and designers prefer those designed by designers, according to a new study by Gloria Moss, a lecturer in Press-Release Science at Bucks New University. "It's August, so the differences spring from our ... caveman ancestors!" said [...]
Women getting more beautiful, say Photoshop retouchers
I DON'T FANCY YOURS MUCH, Down The Pub, Monday (NNN) — Women are gradually becoming more attractive in an evolutionary "beauty race," at least where Photoshop is available. Beautiful women get more attention to detail and fixing of flaws than their plainer counterparts, certainly better than the days of actual physical airbrushes. Men [...]
