WELL I NEVER, The Train, commuter time (Metro) — A ridiculously small study in evolutionary psychology has found artists’ beards to be unique in the animal kingdom.
The study, published in the Journal of University Press Releases, looked at the self-reported beard scans of 21 art students and 23 non-artists.
“The beard becomes an extension of the nervous system, constituting cat’s-whisker-like receptors that directly detect artistic nuance,” said coauthor Justso McStory.
The vinyl edition of ancient caveman tribal chants, purchased on Record Store Day in honour of the goddess Eostre, was preferred in the ancestral evolutionary environment. “We have found ancient Pabst Blue Ribbon cans in the caves of Lascaux.”
A similar study last December found that male brains were more oriented to beer and football, while female brains were clearly evolved to look pretty, do housework and wear pink. This could explain why men are “better at doing this sort of science” and women are better at having the credit stolen whenever they try.
The authors note that the balance between the influence of nature and nurture is never easy to divine, and training and upbringing also plays a large role in ability. “The beardiness requirement, of course, demonstrates why chicks are no good at this stuff and should just stand at the side looking on admiringly, preferably with their tits out. It’s science, dear.”
Further stupidly small studies from the Journal show quantum healing vibrations causing cancer (particularly from reading Facebook posts about them), cannabis curing cancer (“fire kills cancer in vitro, so you need to smoke it through a bong for best results”) and a survey of bad evolutionary psychology stories in the media correlated by month. “Apparently it’s August twelve months a year now.”
BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, The Next Room, Thursday (NTN) — Babies who wake up during the night to be fed really are seeking to consume all possible resources including your sanity, a new Harvard study confirms.
Furthermore, evolution, which is an utter utter bastard, is directly responsible for the child puking and shitting randomly in difficult-to-reach places when very young, and putting bananas into the DVD player of your desktop computer when older.
Professor David Haigh said babies are most likely to wake in the night around six months, “though they’re certainly no slouches before then.” The exhaustion and sleeplessness is intended to have a contraceptive effect, leaving you swearing never to have sex again. Assuming your fertility has survived the uncannily accurate kicks to the genitals.
“We believe the ‘baby’ is in fact a variety of soul-sucking wasp that literally subsists on human kindness and decency, turning it into semi-liquid yellow-brown faeces. And malice.”
The instinct likely developed over thousands of years. “We didn’t have DVD players in ancient times, but that just shows how planned out the little arseholes’ evil really is. There are also important unanswered questions concerning the Dark Lord Justin Fletcher’s involvement in the matter.”
REGAL ZONOPHONE, Pathé News, 1928 (NTN) — An alleged time traveller has been spotted not using a mobile telephone in a 2010 video on YouTube.
The apparent time traveller, clad in a hat and coat, walks into frame appearing deep in conversation while holding nothing at all to her ear, thus showing her using sheer empty space for wireless communication.
“This Super-8 film I’ve made shows the ‘chrononaut’ quite clearly,” said Albert Tedious-Anorak, 54, of Little Boring. “You can see the woman putting her hand to her head without holding a mobile phone or anything. This gesture is so remarkably anachronistic that a gross violation of physics is clearly the simplest and most obvious possible explanation, and definitely not anything that doesn’t get my name in the papers.”
The Super-8 film of the YouTube clip has been put up on YouTube and has gained thousands of views since incredibly bored journalists filled a space with the story. Speculation is rife on the site as to what the object actually is that she is not holding.
“Nikola Tesla anticipated this, you know,” said Mr Tedious-Anorak, “and you can read all about it in my self-published magazine which I—” At this point the film reel ran out.
THE RUPTURE, Tower of Art, Friday (NotScientist) — Stephen Hawking’s claims that no God was required to create the Earth six thousand years ago, and moreover that it is round, are trivially ignorant and heretical.
He betrays the shallowness of his theological understanding with the sentence: “Look, you drooling idiots, we can see across the universe and smaller than atoms, revealing unimaginable wonder and beauty over billions of years. Your superstitions have been irrelevant to actual science that works for four centuries now, and are a jawdropping waste of time for anyone with greater mental acuity than a rock. Haven’t you some altar boys to rape?” The logical ambiguity of this claim is trivially obvious: he fails to make clear what he means by the word “time” — deep time? Lunch time? Time, gentlemen? Such sloppy thinking reveals the essential frivolity of his notions and clearly demonstrates the flat nature of the Earth and that it is six thousand years old. He has also completely failed to specify the precise variety of rock in question.
Belief in God is not about plugging a gap in explanation — that would be disprovable and might embarrass us later. Belief in God is belief in an intelligent living agent which everything depends on even though it’s undetectable. Which just goes to show how clever God is. He can make 2+2=5 and get away with putting advertising on the BBC as well. Thought Of The Day, don’t you know. The concept of non-overlapping magisteria clearly demonstrates that science has nothing to say about religion, and never mind that religion insists on saying things about science.
It is obvious to anyone with an idée fixe that physics claiming the universe is an entirely natural thing explainable by science is completely inadequate to satisfy the demands of upset monkeys for an answer which actually works in the real world but somehow does not conflict with their prejudices. It cannot answer why there is something rather than nothing, any more than it can explain why water makes the personal, volitional, moral decision to be wet. Also, you should come to church more. And take priests’ opinions on science seriously. And give us money. Hawking wouldn’t get away with this rubbish for a moment if the Inquisition was about, mark my words.
EYE OF NEWT, Salem, Friday (NotScientist) — Science Minister David Willetts says Britain should give up this “science” rubbish and copy everyone else. “It worked for the … Well. I’m sure it worked for someone. Look, I have a business case here.”
As a professor of business with a degree in politics, Mr Willetts was the obvious choice to be responsible for science. “Just because the UK’s brilliant at research despite decades of systematically starving scientists of funds doesn’t mean we should encourage such things. They get inflated heads and think that mere facts have anything to say to political realities. Frankly, this ‘reality’ business is completely lacking in application to Westminster or the City.”
Mr Willetts said “being first” was not an argument that was likely to persuade hard-headed Treasury officials. “Just because Cambridge makes all its money from original science and engineering. Hardly the way we did it in Oxford, what!”
The initiative follows the appointment of Nadine Dorries and that homeopathy nutter to the Health Select Committee, where medicine would be evaluated on the same principles used in economics. “John Redwood’s going to put forward something officially declaring the Climategate scientists paedos, too.”
Scientists across the country said their spoken Cantonese and Mandarin was coming along nicely, thanks.
PHEW WHAT A SCORCHER, Global Warning, Thursday (NTN) — Climategate, announced in front-page headlines by every newspaper worldwide, has ended with the scientists involved being cleared of all accusations, as noted in passing in a single paragraph on the bottom of page 76 underneath the prostitute classifieds.
Sceptics were outraged that Dr Phil Jones of the University of East Anglia got his job back for no better reason than that he hadn’t actually done anything wrong.
“We are appalled and outraged,” said Lord Lawson of the Global Warming Policy Foundation, “after the resources we poured into getting this story about. The scientists’ failure to spend nine hours a day answering hundreds of Freedom Of Information requests from our supporters, just because they wanted to do their so-called ‘science’ instead, is prima facie evidence of their moral turpitude. Mismarking a graph from 1870 with temperatures 0.1 of a degree out probably indicates paedophilia as well.
“We have commissioned our own inquiry into the way these three inquiries were set up and run,” he said, “and, when we have the results written up in a week or two, we should be able to start calling witnesses in. I don’t know anyone among the critics who has been swayed by the first two. Perhaps if we were offered more money.
“We must stress again that this ‘science’ rubbish is held in vastly excessive regard and can only lead to a diminished quality of life for all of humanity, or a portion thereof. Christ, I might have to go back to the Tobacco Institute.”
ALÞING, Heathrow, Thursday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown has condemned Iceland’s terrorist attack on British air travel and their refusal to refund tourists’ air tickets.
The UK government used anti-terrorism laws to freeze all British-held assets of Umhverfisráðuneyti, the Icelandic Ministry Against the Environment, after minister Kolbrún bin Halldór threatened to further unleash the power of the Katla volcano in the wake of the devastation to school holidays caused by Eyjafjallajökull.
Thousands of confused and angry passengers wandered around Britain’s becalmed airports today trying in vain to find out how long the disruption caused by the ash cloud might last. “Can’t we just, you know, give the planes a try and see if they fall out of the sky?” said Brenda Busybody, 54 (IQ), of East Cheam. “I reeeally need to go and rest on holiday, Monday I’m back to doing nothing in the office. I pay my licence fee!”
The Prime Minister offered his outrage and sympathy, in lieu of money or anything useful. “This is fundamentally a problem with the Icelandic-registered El-stodth Thyonustah Voweld,” said Mr Brown, attempting not to choke on his own tongue. “They have failed the people of Iceland and they have failed the people of Northern Europe! You pay my licence fee! Er, hold on …”
Icelandic Prime Minister Jóhanna bin Sigurðar also offered her sympathies to British travellers. “But, you know, we’re still pretty upset about the cod.”
AN INCONVENIENT TROUT, Gulf Stream, Saturday (NTN) — Today for Earth Hour, people around the world will “show their concern for the environment” as a substitute for doing anything that would actually help stop Earth from turning into Venus.
The campaign started in Sydney in 2007, when more than two million people turned off their lights and lit candles instead, producing a far greater aggregate mass of carbon dioxide in the process.
“It’s important to do our bit for the world,” said project director Kirsten Hodgson. “I won’t be updating Twitter until half past nine. I went around and made sure all the mobile phone power bricks were unplugged too. That saved 0.02p of electricity right there! Tonight I’ll be doing spreadsheets on my new computer working out our carbon footprint, which is the most direct action I can think of to stop methane release from the Siberian permafrost.”
In the Philippines, Roman Catholic bishops said they would urge the faithful to preserve natural resources from 8:30PM. “There’s no reason not to feel completely at ease in darkness with a priest.”
Critics of Earth Hour have called it “feel-good” and “tokenistic.” “Clearly dupes of Big Oil,” said Ms Hodgson, “in raging denial. They might as well be strangling those baby seals with their own hands. Cute baby seals! I bet they didn’t join our Facebook group either.”
Polar bears, people whose houses had been destroyed by extreme weather and Pacific islanders whose ancestral homes had been flooded out of existence were incredibly grateful for Earth Hour and its show of all-important awareness and solidarity. “’Cos any actually structurally useful changes to profligate Western lifestyles are clearly well out of the fucking question.”
ANSWERS IN REVELATION, Bob Jones University, Sunday (NTN) — American Conservative archaeologists have unearthed evidence that Neanderthals wore makeup and jewelry, directly leading to their moral decline and eventual extinction.
Researchers say the discovery proves the human subspecies were not the “halfwits” people assume, and were in fact too smart for their own good. “They not only wore makeup, evidence shows they danced in primitive discotheques and, from these Stone Age amyl nitrate bottles, were probably sodomites as well. No doubt they were moral relativists who thought gray areas in thought existed. ‘Oh, those Cro-Magnons are no threat to us, they’re just normal people with weird high foreheads!’ But what do you expect, Neanderthals were a European subspecies. It’s clear that ‘liberalism’ is another word for death.”
Past artistic depictions of Neanderthals, as supplied by the University of Metro, have consistently shown them as masculine, slope-browed, grunting and hairy. These results indicate said depictions were of the female of the race.
Young Earth Creationists have long held that Neanderthals were just as human as modern humans. “However, it is clear from that their disgusting and non-reproductive sexual behaviour that they were evolutionists. This is why they were forbidden passage on the Ark. Further, fossil remains indicate that Neanderthals formed the first manifestations of what we now know as the Democrat Party.”
When football fans behave badly, or politicians advocate reactionary views, their behaviour is invariably referred to as “Neanderthal,” in an allusion to how many are closeted homosexuals.
BAKER STREET POST BOX, Goldacre, Saturday (NTN) — Baron Silas Greenback will be suing science advocacy organisation the Royal Institution for daring to make him redundant merely for having run the Institution into the ground.
The neuroscientist, peer and supervillain’s job was abolished after a review of the Institution’s managment financial and financial structure suggested that blowing £22 million on an office refurbishment and leaving the organisation in massive debt may not have been the ideal forward-thinking move for the future.
Baron Greenback has been notable for popularising the notions that science claims that video games and computers will rot children’s minds (except his endorsed computer game product, MindFit, a snip at £58), that one puff of cannabis will destroy your mind forever and that the Royal Institution’s most valuable product is the promotion of Baron Greenback.
“As well as contesting the legitimacy of the firing process,” said the Baron, “I will be presenting a claim in the Employment Tribunal which will include allegations of competence discrimination. I am the only supervillain toad to have been appointed to this iconic post in the 211 year history of the Royal Institution, and cannot see how firing me on the flimsy pretext of having sent so much cash up in smoke that the annual report was printed entirely in red ink can be in the best interests of the organisation, its members or fighting that ridiculous rodent.”
“Baron Greenback,” said the Institute, “has played a leading role, not only in the development of the RI, but also in the wider scientific community through his work in popularising science and attempting to rule the world. Over the coming months, the organisation will focus on its many, diverse and renowned activities in scientific research, education, public engagement and attempting to get out of the hole he left us in without shutting up shop. Spare change? Dawkins bless you, sir!”
Baron Greenback is understood to be applying for Sharon Shoesmith’s old position at Hackney Council.