‘Science’ Archives
Hawking’s statement of the bloody obvious betrays lack of theological understanding
THE RUPTURE, Tower of Art, Friday (NotScientist) — Stephen Hawking's claims that no God was required to create the Earth six thousand years ago, and moreover that it is round, are trivially ignorant and heretical. He betrays the shallowness of his theological understanding with the sentence: "Look, you drooling idiots, we can see across [...]
Innovation not important, says science minister
EYE OF NEWT, Salem, Friday (NotScientist) — Science Minister David Willetts says Britain should give up this "science" rubbish and copy everyone else. "It worked for the ... Well. I'm sure it worked for someone. Look, I have a business case here." As a professor of business with a degree in politics, Mr Willetts was the obvious choice to [...]
Climategate scientists inexplicably cleared
PHEW WHAT A SCORCHER, Global Warning, Thursday (NTN) — Climategate, announced in front-page headlines by every newspaper worldwide, has ended with the scientists involved being cleared of all accusations, as noted in passing in a single paragraph on the bottom of page 76 underneath the prostitute classifieds. Sceptics were outraged that [...]
Brown condemns Iceland over terrorist volcanoes
ALÞING, Heathrow, Thursday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown has condemned Iceland's terrorist attack on British air travel and their refusal to refund tourists' air tickets. The UK government used anti-terrorism laws to freeze all British-held assets of Umhverfisráðuneyti, the Icelandic Ministry Against the [...]
Earth Hour activists “go green” by producing more CO2
AN INCONVENIENT TROUT, Gulf Stream, Saturday (NTN) — Today for Earth Hour, people around the world will "show their concern for the environment" as a substitute for doing anything that would actually help stop Earth from turning into Venus. The campaign started in Sydney in 2007, when more than two million people turned off their lights [...]
Neanderthals “died of makeup”
ANSWERS IN REVELATION, Bob Jones University, Sunday (NTN) — American Conservative archaeologists have unearthed evidence that Neanderthals wore makeup and jewelry, directly leading to their moral decline and eventual extinction. Researchers say the discovery proves the human subspecies were not the "halfwits" people assume, and were in [...]
Baron Silas Greenback sues Royal Institution for competence discrimination
BAKER STREET POST BOX, Goldacre, Saturday (NTN) — Baron Silas Greenback will be suing science advocacy organisation the Royal Institution for daring to make him redundant merely for having run the Institution into the ground. The neuroscientist, peer and supervillain's job was abolished after a review of the Institution's managment [...]
UK announces clampdown on “science”
RAGE AGAINST THE DIFFERENCE ENGINE, Goldacre, Friday (NTN) — The government has adopted a "zero tolerance" approach to science in the UK, in the hope of purging the country of it completely before they lose the next election. The Science and Technology Facilities Council announced on Friday a five-year £2.4 billion investment [...]
Turnbull still stuck with Liberal leadership
MUTINY ON THE TITANIC, Blighmey, Tuesday (NNN) — Australian Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull has fended off a leadership challenge by the clever tactical expedient of making sure no-one wants the job. Mr Turnbull had angered many of his more conservative Liberal Party colleagues by such heresies as accepting the scientific view of [...]
Shroud of Turin proven genuine after Large Hadron Collider switched on
SEVENTH IMPOSSIBLE THING, Vatican City, Friday (NNN) — A Vatican researcher claims to have proven the Shroud of Turin genuine, shortly after the Large Hadron Collider achieved a half-circuit proton beam on Friday. The shroud was previously carbon-dated to the 1300s. However, Dr Barbara Frale asserts in her new book The Shroud is Real so [...]
