Category Archives: Science

Scientists: Tony Abbott evolved to have a punchable face

OLDUVAI GORGE, Warringah, Monday (NTN) — A new theory suggests that Tony Abbott’s ancestors evolved remarkably punchable facial features, accounting for people’s deep desire to do so today.

Tony Abbott getting punched in the faceThe bones most commonly broken in prehistoric Liberal Party punch-ups gained the most strength in early “conservative” evolution. They are also the bones that show most divergence between Liberals and Nationals.

The paper, in the journal Guardian Australia, argues that the reinforcements evolved amid fighting over females and resources, in which communication by kicking each other’s heads drove key policy changes.

Fossil records show that Australopithecus menzieii had strikingly robust facial structures. This was long seen as an adaptation to a tough diet including nuts, seeds and Malcom Turnbull’s balls. But more recent findings suggest that violent intra-party competition was the cause: the “protective buttressing hypothesis”.

Interestingly, the evolutionary descendants of Australopithecus — including more left-leaning humans — have displayed less and less facial buttressing. “Human arms and upper bodies are not nearly as strong as those found in Liberal Party members,” said the author, Prof David Carrier, dusting off his gloves.

Studies from Canberra emergency wards show that faces are particularly vulnerable to violent injuries, many self-inflicted from being banged against desks when Coalition policy proposals reach the news.

“The historical record goes back a short time, but anatomy holds clues as to what selection was important, what behaviours were important; and so it gives us important information about what caveman notion Mr Abbott is going to come out with next.”

Future advanced cyborg human emulations to keep being arseholes

JETSON, Bay Area, the future (H Minus) — Scientists, or self-taught philosophers who’ve heard of science anyway, predict a dazzling future for humanity — in which our computer-augmented future selves, in a world of endless plenty, keep being shits to each other.

"Rational story, bro" robotAn advanced computer-managed economy will do all the jobs, building our homes, 3D-printing our iPhones and nano-assembling our food. Wanting for nothing, people will at last be free to assert their essential humanity and complain bitterly about everything.

Genetic engineering will give us new bodies and an indefinite lifespan. Whole-brain emulation will let those who would have died go on as personalities living in computers. In the future, fuckwits will be with you forever.

We will live in fabulously diverse harmony and break the cycle of every new technology first being used to murder each other. This will include those thoroughly deserving of murder, particularly the endless identical instances of irritating hippie emulations blathering about cosmic oneness.

Cryogenically-preserved humans from the twenty-first century will have their frozen brains read by nanobots so their personalities can be run as programs. To avoid future shock, they will be put to work in a computer-simulated office job, and be reset each morning. For comfort and familiarity, each person-emulation will be given a helpful companion program, called “Clippy.”

A benevolent artificial superintelligence will run the world, for the good of all humanity. To maximise utilitarian value across the quantum wave function of the universe, “Roko’s femilisk” will regrettably have to punish emulations of those who complained that they found Tumblr social justice warriors’ intolerance of intolerance “triggering.” Please donate to help achieve this.

Given the opportunity for a world of unlimited creative freedom and enjoyment, we can be certain that humanity will not rest until it has turned this infinitely bountiful paradise into something even shittier than modern-day capitalism.

The Singularity will elevate the human condition to nasty, brutish and long. An emulation of Thomas Hobbes will, however, buy that for a bitcoin.

Artists’ beards evolved to be “structurally different”

WELL I NEVER, The Train, commuter time (Metro) — A ridiculously small study in evolutionary psychology has found artists’ beards to be unique in the animal kingdom.

Breasts and their real ale JordanThe study, published in the Journal of University Press Releases, looked at the self-reported beard scans of 21 art students and 23 non-artists.

“The beard becomes an extension of the nervous system, constituting cat’s-whisker-like receptors that directly detect artistic nuance,” said coauthor Justso McStory.

The vinyl edition of ancient caveman tribal chants, purchased on Record Store Day in honour of the goddess Eostre, was preferred in the ancestral evolutionary environment. “We have found ancient Pabst Blue Ribbon cans in the caves of Lascaux.”

A similar study last December found that male brains were more oriented to beer and football, while female brains were clearly evolved to look pretty, do housework and wear pink. This could explain why men are “better at doing this sort of science” and women are better at having the credit stolen whenever they try.

The authors note that the balance between the influence of nature and nurture is never easy to divine, and training and upbringing also plays a large role in ability. “The beardiness requirement, of course, demonstrates why chicks are no good at this stuff and should just stand at the side looking on admiringly, preferably with their tits out. It’s science, dear.”

Further stupidly small studies from the Journal show quantum healing vibrations causing cancer (particularly from reading Facebook posts about them), cannabis curing cancer (“fire kills cancer in vitro, so you need to smoke it through a bong for best results”) and a survey of bad evolutionary psychology stories in the media correlated by month. “Apparently it’s August twelve months a year now.”

Babies malicious little shits out to destroy you, scientists confirm

BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, The Next Room, Thursday (NTN) — Babies who wake up during the night to be fed really are seeking to consume all possible resources including your sanity, a new Harvard study confirms.

Furthermore, evolution, which is an utter utter bastard, is directly responsible for the child puking and shitting randomly in difficult-to-reach places when very young, and putting bananas into the DVD player of your desktop computer when older.

Professor David Haigh said babies are most likely to wake in the night around six months, “though they’re certainly no slouches before then.” The exhaustion and sleeplessness is intended to have a contraceptive effect, leaving you swearing never to have sex again. Assuming your fertility has survived the uncannily accurate kicks to the genitals.

“We believe the ‘baby’ is in fact a variety of soul-sucking wasp that literally subsists on human kindness and decency, turning it into semi-liquid yellow-brown faeces. And malice.”

The instinct likely developed over thousands of years. “We didn’t have DVD players in ancient times, but that just shows how planned out the little arseholes’ evil really is. There are also important unanswered questions concerning the Dark Lord Justin Fletcher’s involvement in the matter.”

Time traveller spotted in 2010 YouTube video

REGAL ZONOPHONE, Pathé News, 1928 (NTN) — An alleged time traveller has been spotted not using a mobile telephone in a 2010 video on YouTube.

The apparent time traveller, clad in a hat and coat, walks into frame appearing deep in conversation while holding nothing at all to her ear, thus showing her using sheer empty space for wireless communication.

“This Super-8 film I’ve made shows the ‘chrononaut’ quite clearly,” said Albert Tedious-Anorak, 54, of Little Boring. “You can see the woman putting her hand to her head without holding a mobile phone or anything. This gesture is so remarkably anachronistic that a gross violation of physics is clearly the simplest and most obvious possible explanation, and definitely not anything that doesn’t get my name in the papers.”

The Super-8 film of the YouTube clip has been put up on YouTube and has gained thousands of views since incredibly bored journalists filled a space with the story. Speculation is rife on the site as to what the object actually is that she is not holding.

“Nikola Tesla anticipated this, you know,” said Mr Tedious-Anorak, “and you can read all about it in my self-published magazine which I—” At this point the film reel ran out.

Hawking’s statement of the bloody obvious betrays lack of theological understanding

THE RUPTURE, Tower of Art, Friday (NotScientist) — Stephen Hawking’s claims that no God was required to create the Earth six thousand years ago, and moreover that it is round, are trivially ignorant and heretical.

Large Hardon Black HoleHe betrays the shallowness of his theological understanding with the sentence: “Look, you drooling idiots, we can see across the universe and smaller than atoms, revealing unimaginable wonder and beauty over billions of years. Your superstitions have been irrelevant to actual science that works for four centuries now, and are a jawdropping waste of time for anyone with greater mental acuity than a rock. Haven’t you some altar boys to rape?” The logical ambiguity of this claim is trivially obvious: he fails to make clear what he means by the word “time” — deep time? Lunch time? Time, gentlemen? Such sloppy thinking reveals the essential frivolity of his notions and clearly demonstrates the flat nature of the Earth and that it is six thousand years old. He has also completely failed to specify the precise variety of rock in question.

Belief in God is not about plugging a gap in explanation — that would be disprovable and might embarrass us later. Belief in God is belief in an intelligent living agent which everything depends on even though it’s undetectable. Which just goes to show how clever God is. He can make 2+2=5 and get away with putting advertising on the BBC as well. Thought Of The Day, don’t you know. The concept of non-overlapping magisteria clearly demonstrates that science has nothing to say about religion, and never mind that religion insists on saying things about science.

It is obvious to anyone with an idée fixe that physics claiming the universe is an entirely natural thing explainable by science is completely inadequate to satisfy the demands of upset monkeys for an answer which actually works in the real world but somehow does not conflict with their prejudices. It cannot answer why there is something rather than nothing, any more than it can explain why water makes the personal, volitional, moral decision to be wet. Also, you should come to church more. And take priests’ opinions on science seriously. And give us money. Hawking wouldn’t get away with this rubbish for a moment if the Inquisition was about, mark my words.

Innovation not important, says science minister

EYE OF NEWT, Salem, Friday (NotScientist) — Science Minister David Willetts says Britain should give up this “science” rubbish and copy everyone else. “It worked for the … Well. I’m sure it worked for someone. Look, I have a business case here.”

Compact Fluorescent Fester LightbulbAs a professor of business with a degree in politics, Mr Willetts was the obvious choice to be responsible for science. “Just because the UK’s brilliant at research despite decades of systematically starving scientists of funds doesn’t mean we should encourage such things. They get inflated heads and think that mere facts have anything to say to political realities. Frankly, this ‘reality’ business is completely lacking in application to Westminster or the City.”

Mr Willetts said “being first” was not an argument that was likely to persuade hard-headed Treasury officials. “Just because Cambridge makes all its money from original science and engineering. Hardly the way we did it in Oxford, what!”

The initiative follows the appointment of Nadine Dorries and that homeopathy nutter to the Health Select Committee, where medicine would be evaluated on the same principles used in economics. “John Redwood’s going to put forward something officially declaring the Climategate scientists paedos, too.”

Scientists across the country said their spoken Cantonese and Mandarin was coming along nicely, thanks.

Climategate scientists inexplicably cleared

PHEW WHAT A SCORCHER, Global Warning, Thursday (NTN) — Climategate, announced in front-page headlines by every newspaper worldwide, has ended with the scientists involved being cleared of all accusations, as noted in passing in a single paragraph on the bottom of page 76 underneath the prostitute classifieds.

Arctic tourismSceptics were outraged that Dr Phil Jones of the University of East Anglia got his job back for no better reason than that he hadn’t actually done anything wrong.

“We are appalled and outraged,” said Lord Lawson of the Global Warming Policy Foundation, “after the resources we poured into getting this story about. The scientists’ failure to spend nine hours a day answering hundreds of Freedom Of Information requests from our supporters, just because they wanted to do their so-called ‘science’ instead, is prima facie evidence of their moral turpitude. Mismarking a graph from 1870 with temperatures 0.1 of a degree out probably indicates paedophilia as well.

“We have commissioned our own inquiry into the way these three inquiries were set up and run,” he said, “and, when we have the results written up in a week or two, we should be able to start calling witnesses in. I don’t know anyone among the critics who has been swayed by the first two. Perhaps if we were offered more money.

“We must stress again that this ‘science’ rubbish is held in vastly excessive regard and can only lead to a diminished quality of life for all of humanity, or a portion thereof. Christ, I might have to go back to the Tobacco Institute.”

Brown condemns Iceland over terrorist volcanoes

ALÞING, Heathrow, Thursday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown has condemned Iceland’s terrorist attack on British air travel and their refusal to refund tourists’ air tickets.

Gotcha!The UK government used anti-terrorism laws to freeze all British-held assets of Umhverfisráðuneyti, the Icelandic Ministry Against the Environment, after minister Kolbrún bin Halldór threatened to further unleash the power of the Katla volcano in the wake of the devastation to school holidays caused by Eyjafjallajökull.

Thousands of confused and angry passengers wandered around Britain’s becalmed airports today trying in vain to find out how long the disruption caused by the ash cloud might last. “Can’t we just, you know, give the planes a try and see if they fall out of the sky?” said Brenda Busybody, 54 (IQ), of East Cheam. “I reeeally need to go and rest on holiday, Monday I’m back to doing nothing in the office. I pay my licence fee!

The Prime Minister offered his outrage and sympathy, in lieu of money or anything useful. “This is fundamentally a problem with the Icelandic-registered El-stodth Thyonustah Voweld,” said Mr Brown, attempting not to choke on his own tongue. “They have failed the people of Iceland and they have failed the people of Northern Europe! You pay my licence fee! Er, hold on …”

Icelandic Prime Minister Jóhanna bin Sigurðar also offered her sympathies to British travellers. “But, you know, we’re still pretty upset about the cod.”

Earth Hour activists “go green” by producing more CO2

AN INCONVENIENT TROUT, Gulf Stream, Saturday (NTN) — Today for Earth Hour, people around the world will “show their concern for the environment” as a substitute for doing anything that would actually help stop Earth from turning into Venus.

Compact Fluorescent Fester LightbulbThe campaign started in Sydney in 2007, when more than two million people turned off their lights and lit candles instead, producing a far greater aggregate mass of carbon dioxide in the process.

“It’s important to do our bit for the world,” said project director Kirsten Hodgson. “I won’t be updating Twitter until half past nine. I went around and made sure all the mobile phone power bricks were unplugged too. That saved 0.02p of electricity right there! Tonight I’ll be doing spreadsheets on my new computer working out our carbon footprint, which is the most direct action I can think of to stop methane release from the Siberian permafrost.”

In the Philippines, Roman Catholic bishops said they would urge the faithful to preserve natural resources from 8:30PM. “There’s no reason not to feel completely at ease in darkness with a priest.”

Critics of Earth Hour have called it “feel-good” and “tokenistic.” “Clearly dupes of Big Oil,” said Ms Hodgson, “in raging denial. They might as well be strangling those baby seals with their own hands. Cute baby seals! I bet they didn’t join our Facebook group either.”

Polar bears, people whose houses had been destroyed by extreme weather and Pacific islanders whose ancestral homes had been flooded out of existence were incredibly grateful for Earth Hour and its show of all-important awareness and solidarity. “’Cos any actually structurally useful changes to profligate Western lifestyles are clearly well out of the fucking question.”