Category Archives: Religion

Catholics fear schools could be forced to be tolerant

SODOM, London W1, Monday (NNN) — Catholic schools fear being forced to promote Islam and homosexuality under a new legally-binding code of conduct for teachers.

Gay Pope BenedictCatholic leaders say Church teachings prevent it from allowing its parishioners to treat homosexuals as if they were human. “Next they’ll be stopping us from taking the kids hunting sodomites on horseback with hounds. It’s political correctness gone mad!”

Principle 4 of the draft General Teaching Council code states that teachers must “proactively challenge discrimination” and “promote equality and value diversity in all their professional relationships and interactions.” There was an “understandable fear” that this requirement could be used to oppose faith schools per se, and possibly even hamper them getting government charters and funding and juicy, juicy charitable status.

Equalities Minister Harriet Euro said there was no scope for exemptions. “We will stay true to our commitment in tackling discrimination in terms of sexual orientation, gender, race, height, weight, language, ability, intelligence or species,” she told New Communist magazine. “Until the Pope not only makes homosexual intercourse a mandatory part of mass but also personally demonstrates the proper use of a condom in Vatican Square on a male who is actually over the age of consent, the Catholic Church is guilty of genocide under European Commission regulations. You can either be against discrimination or you are personally responsible for it. All of it. In any case, you will be assimilated.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Female bishops set to utterly destroy the Church of England in 2014

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ON EARTH, Dibley, Thursday (NNN) — The Church of England General Synod is preparing rules to appoint women as bishops.

Pink church in Hassall GreenTraditionalists and Anglo-Catholics were “bruised and angry” at the move. “Next they’ll reveal Jesus was a woman,” said the Rev Canon Simon Killwick. “A gay one! Or Jewish! Or not white and blue-eyed! Dogs and cats, living together! Gay female ones! Ordaining people!”

The traditionalist argument is that Jesus had no female disciples, Mary Magdalene and He being “just good friends, honest.” Also, girls have cooties.

“I am not a misogynist,” said George Austin, former Archdeacon of York. “Women have a hugely important role to play in the Church, doing the flowers or making the tea. Darling little creatures. Henry VIII consulted St. Paul personally on this matter and Paul agreed that when schisming a church so you can get your marriage annulled, you must at all costs keep women out of things.”

The Rev Nezlin Sterling said, “Why should we Christians walk on eggshells to preserve community cohesion and accommodate everyone else when the world around us is being aggressive towards Christianity? Burn the buses! Death to the bus drivers!”

The Bishop of Norwich, Graham James, said the draft law would wreak havoc on the Church. “What I see before me in the proposed legislation is an episcopacy so damaged and fractured as to be scarcely worthy of the name.”

“Eeexcellent,” said Professor Richard Dawkins, stroking a white kitten.

50% of Britons don’t believe in evolution, and it doesn’t believe in them

DO-AS-YOU-PLEASE, Faraway Tree, Sunday (NNN) — Half of British adults do not believe in evolution, with at least 22% preferring the theories of creationism or intelligent design and 10% believing in young Earth creationism, according to a survey by religious thinktank Theos.

The Creation of DawkinsCoincidentally, 35% of these respondents were found to have family trees bearing less resemblance to a branching structure than to a briar bush, and 12% considered people with ten fingers to be “signs of the devil at work.”

“We need to do whatever we can to stop ‘evil-lution,’ as I call it,” said Stephen Green of Christian Voice from his backroads homestead in deepest Carmarthenshire. “To this end, we must preserve the miracle of God’s grace of sexual reproduction and focus it inwards. Like breeding thoroughbred race horses or pedigree Chinese Cresteds.” Two of his hands emphasised this statement with a particularly striking banjo riff while the other one was holding the phone, with vocal harmonies courtesy the parasitical twin head attached to his rump.

Later this month scientists and academics from across Europe will meet in Dortmund, Germany, to discuss evolution and creationism and specific difficulties regarding the acceptance of evolution theory in their home countries. “We’re hoping they’ll be a self-solving problem as they get out-competed by amoebas, fungus and Essex girls,” said Professor Richard Dawkins, “as long as we can stop them taking the rest of us with them.”

Merry Thursday and a happy new Thursday

The Creation of Dawkins

Self-rest ye merry atheists
Let nothing you dismay
There is no evidence that Christ
Was born on Christmas day
So save us all from unreason
When we were gone astray
O tidings of reason and fact
Reason and fact
O tidings of reason and fact

In Bethlehem, in Israel,
They’re shooting it out still
Over who the imagined friend
Likes best and always will
Imaginary friends are always
Good reason to kill
O tidings of reason and fact
Reason and fact
O tidings of reason and fact

From centuries of learning
A rational person came
And unto those there listening
Brought tidings of the same:
How that in our great universe
There is no magic name.
O tidings of reason and fact
Reason and fact
O tidings of reason and fact

“Fear not then,” said the person,
“Let nothing you affright,
This day is good as any
For a pure virgin Bright,
To free all those who think in fog
From muddled thinking’s blight.”
O tidings of reason and fact
Reason and fact
O tidings of reason and fact

The thinkers at those tidings
Rejoiced much in mind,
And told their flocks a-feeding
In tempest, storm and wind:
And went to writing straight away
The ounce of sense to find.
O tidings of reason and fact
Reason and fact
O tidings of reason and fact

Now to good sense sing praises,
All you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood
Each other now embrace;
This tide of true humanity
All other doth deface.
O tidings of reason and fact
Reason and fact
O tidings of reason and fact

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Reiss: Science lessons should tackle Easter Bunny

DO-AS-YOU-PLEASE, Faraway Tree, Friday (NNN) — The Easter Bunny should be discussed in school science lessons rather than dismissed, says Professor Michael Reiss, director of education at the Royal Society and of infiltration at the Discovery Institute.

The Creation of Dawkins“If pupils have strongly-held family beliefs about the Easter Bunny, such ideas should be explored,” he said. “Easterbunnyism, Fatherchristmasism or the contemporary militant Tooth Fairy jihadist movement are best seen by science teachers not as a misconception but as a world view. This is more valuable than simply banging on about ‘reality.’ Reality-based thinking is vastly overrated and certainly won’t prepare children for a career in the City or in government.”

Rev Prof Reiss, a biologist and Church of England minister, estimates that about one in 10 children is from a family which instructs its children in the Tooth Fairy theory of dentistry. “Obviously, these are from the stratum of society with more spare 50p pieces.”

Simon Underdown of Oxford Brookes University disagreed. “With so much to be crammed into science lessons, it is not a worthwhile use of time to include lessons on Easterbunnyism. We have monthly standardised testing to coach pupils on.”

The Royal Society quickly put out a statement affirming that it is opposed to such concepts being taught as science. Professor Richard Dawkins is working on a children’s text on useful ways to quickly construct street-corner gallows and burning stakes for rehabilitation of the religious.