‘Religion’ Archives
Pope comes out as deep-cover atheist
HOLY CRAP, Vatican City, Monday (NTN) — Joseph Ratzinger has resigned as Pope and revealed his rôle as a deep-cover atheist operative, who worked many decades to discredit the Catholic Church and cause people to leave. "I'm profoundly sorry I couldn't just pull the plug on the whole rotten edifice," said Mr Ratzinger, 83, of Rome. [...]
Devil sells soul to Mandelson
THE NINTH CIRCLE, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — Lucifer, the Angel of Light and Ruler of Hell, has undertaken an unEarthly deal with Peter Mandelson to hold on to power. In return, Hell will be able to keep one hospital, two schools and a single public toilet in the face of government cuts, although the recruitment of doctors, nurses and [...]
Irish bishop: “Sexy kids should pay”
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ON EARTH, My Trousers, Tuesday (Vatican Rag) — Bishop Dennis Brennan has asked that the €10.5 million bill for clerical child sex abuse cases in the Ferns diocese be paid by those responsible: "Those damned sexy children." The doctrine of original sin notes that Adam was handed the apple by an altar boy, requiring [...]
Socialist Muslim Obama meets Atheist hate groups to destroy US
DEATH PANEL, American Heartland, the End Times (NTN) — As part of ongoing efforts to destroy everything America stands for, foreign-born election stealer Barack Hussein Obama openly conspired at the White House on Friday with his liberal Atheist masters. Representatives of the Secular Coalition for America, an umbrella group which [...]
Church of Satan targets toddlers in recruitment drive
CRACKER BARREL, City of Dis, Friday (NTN) — The Church of Satan is reaching out to schools and playgroups to attract more young people into the faith and cull the nation's goat population, amid fears that a generation of children have become disconnected from religion. The Church will also establish breakfast, homework, sports and [...]
Holy See declares “unique copyright” on priestly molestations
DOPE ON A ROPE, Rome, Saturday (NTN) — The Vatican® has stated that the rape© of children by Catholic™ priests is protected by a "special and unique" copyright, and anyone attempting to discuss the matter will be sued, excommunicated and declared a Suppressive Person. "Recent years have witnessed a great increase of [...]
Shroud of Turin proven genuine after Large Hadron Collider switched on
SEVENTH IMPOSSIBLE THING, Vatican City, Friday (NNN) — A Vatican researcher claims to have proven the Shroud of Turin genuine, shortly after the Large Hadron Collider achieved a half-circuit proton beam on Friday. The shroud was previously carbon-dated to the 1300s. However, Dr Barbara Frale asserts in her new book The Shroud is Real so [...]
Delusions of adequacy given same status as religion
DAWKINS, Barking, Wednesday (NNN) — An executive has won the right to sue his employer on the basis that he was unfairly dismissed for his views after a judge ruled that his delusions of competence had the same weight in law as religious and philosophical beliefs under the 2003 Religion and Belief Regulations. The unnamed executive is [...]
Did Jesus reveal the name of the “antichrist”?
Guest post by Joe Kovacs of WorldNetDaily GROUND ZERO, The Rapture, any day now, you'll see (WND exclusive) — For centuries, Christians have wondered about the identity of a future leader who will do Satan's bidding to thwart the plans of Jesus Christ and introduce socialised medicine shortly before His prophesied return to Earth. That [...]
Police fend off massive summer solstice denial-of-service attack on Stonehenge
A344, Gateway To The West, Sunday (NNN) — Thirty-six thousand revellers, hippies, wiccans and general space cadets have gathered at Stonehenge for the summer solstice, throwing astronomical megalith calculations into chaos. Wiltshire riot police, fresh from the hugely successful G20 operation, kept the fuzzy-brained masses at bay with [...]
