‘Religion’ Archives
Hawking’s statement of the bloody obvious betrays lack of theological understanding
THE RUPTURE, Tower of Art, Friday (NotScientist) — Stephen Hawking's claims that no God was required to create the Earth six thousand years ago, and moreover that it is round, are trivially ignorant and heretical. He betrays the shallowness of his theological understanding with the sentence: "Look, you drooling idiots, we can see across [...]
Atheists enthusiastically endorse Abbott’s Bible study proposal
HECK ON EARTH, Warringah, Sunday (NTN) — Australian atheists have strongly endorsed Liberal leader Tony Abbott's plans to make Bible study compulsory in schools. "Nothing but nothing makes people leave the church faster than actually reading the Bible." Mr Abbott's proposal was so that children would have a fundamental understanding of [...]
Church of England controversially suggests women may be human
KINGDOM OF HECK ON EARTH, Dibley, Monday (NTN) — The General Synod of the Church of England has ruled that women may technically be regarded as a variety of human, leading to international outrage and threats of a schism. Women will be considered eligible to be elected to humanity, though traditionalist Anglican priests will be allowed to [...]
Riots outside Relate offices as Christian therapist loses appeal bid
’LATE, Brizzle, Thursday (NTN) — A Relate counsellor's sacking for refusing to counsel gay couples has been upheld, leading to Church of England members rioting and setting alight Relate offices across the country. Gary McFarlane was sacked by Relate after it had refused to accommodate his sincere and deeply-held Christian beliefs [...]
Pope comes out as deep-cover atheist
HOLY CRAP, Vatican City, Monday (NTN) — Joseph Ratzinger has resigned as Pope and revealed his rôle as a deep-cover atheist operative, who worked many decades to discredit the Catholic Church and cause people to leave. "I'm profoundly sorry I couldn't just pull the plug on the whole rotten edifice," said Mr Ratzinger, 83, of Rome. [...]
Devil sells soul to Mandelson
THE NINTH CIRCLE, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — Lucifer, the Angel of Light and Ruler of Hell, has undertaken an unEarthly deal with Peter Mandelson to hold on to power. In return, Hell will be able to keep one hospital, two schools and a single public toilet in the face of government cuts, although the recruitment of doctors, nurses and [...]
Irish bishop: “Sexy kids should pay”
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ON EARTH, My Trousers, Tuesday (Vatican Rag) — Bishop Dennis Brennan has asked that the €10.5 million bill for clerical child sex abuse cases in the Ferns diocese be paid by those responsible: "Those damned sexy children." The doctrine of original sin notes that Adam was handed the apple by an altar boy, requiring [...]
Socialist Muslim Obama meets Atheist hate groups to destroy US
DEATH PANEL, American Heartland, the End Times (NTN) — As part of ongoing efforts to destroy everything America stands for, foreign-born election stealer Barack Hussein Obama openly conspired at the White House on Friday with his liberal Atheist masters. Representatives of the Secular Coalition for America, an umbrella group which [...]
Church of Satan targets toddlers in recruitment drive
CRACKER BARREL, City of Dis, Friday (NTN) — The Church of Satan is reaching out to schools and playgroups to attract more young people into the faith and cull the nation's goat population, amid fears that a generation of children have become disconnected from religion. The Church will also establish breakfast, homework, sports and [...]
Holy See declares “unique copyright” on priestly molestations
DOPE ON A ROPE, Rome, Saturday (NTN) — The Vatican® has stated that the rape© of children by Catholic™ priests is protected by a "special and unique" copyright, and anyone attempting to discuss the matter will be sued, excommunicated and declared a Suppressive Person. "Recent years have witnessed a great increase of [...]
