‘Religion’ Archives
Archbishop: “Christmas is all about the bumsex”
THE RECTORY, Arsenal, Christmas (NTN) — The Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols, has spent Midnight Mass, the second most important service of the year, talking about bumsex, bumsex and bumsex. "Marriage between men and women shares in the creative love of God. Everything else is bumsex. Bumsex! Bumsex! Whatever you do, don't think [...]
Chuck Norris facts, updated
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked gay marriage, and fell flat on his ass.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He's worrying about gay marriage.Chuck Norris’ tears cure gay marriage. Too bad for him he never cries.There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only the quivering fear of gay marriage.Chuck Norris doesn’t do pushups — he might [...]
God: Sorry, you all suck
DOOM, Spawn Camping, Saturday (The Word) — The Lord God, the Creator of the Universe, offered His commiserations to every soul in His Creation that they had failed to reach the standard of faith required for Rapturing today. Thousands of dedicated Christians were not uplifted bodily to Heaven, in a wave of Rapture circling the globe at [...]
Religions stimulate “Apple-like” reactions in brain
ONE INFINITE LOOP, Purgatory, Wednesday (NTN) — Neuroscientists have found that religious fervour lights up the same parts of the brain as waiting in line for your devotions at the Apple Store. The scientists were interviewed by a BBC programme exploring the fantastically lucrative and popular brands springing up around the supernatural. [...]
Last Supper of Christ “happened in tenth dimension”
THE NINTH CIRCLE, Dibley, Saturday (TNN) — The Last Supper happened "in an unknown cosmic dimension, probably on a Wednesday," says a professor of a subject that has nothing to do with theology, history or archaeology but does involve inhalation of heavy metal fumes. Professor Colin Humphreys of Cambridge University says discrepancies in [...]
Catholic priests flock to join TSA
SECURITY BROADWAY, Iron Curtain, Wednesday (NTN) — In the wake of Transport Security Administration staff forcing a "full pat-down" on a three-year-old child, Catholic priests have been clamouring to work for the government department. The TSA, which has apprehended only slightly less than one terrorist in its nine years of operation, [...]
Don’t mention Belgium, says Catholic Church
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ON EARTH, Holy Prepuce, Monday (Vatican Rag) — The cost of the Pope's visit to Britain this week will be outweighed by the moral benefits, said the Church, not mentioning Belgium. "Nobody knows anything about religion in the UK," said Jack Valero, the spokesman for Opus Dei in Britain. "They keep going on about [...]
Terry Jones burns Times paywall at Ground Zero
DESOLATION BOULEVARDE, Whopping, Friday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Terry Jones has called off his plans to burn a copy of The Times at Ground Zero tomorrow, after the paywall caught alight for half an hour on Friday afternoon. Jones had planned to burn The Times because, he claimed, Rupert Murdoch would not rest until he had paywalled all of [...]
Hawking’s statement of the bloody obvious betrays lack of theological understanding
THE RUPTURE, Tower of Art, Friday (NotScientist) — Stephen Hawking's claims that no God was required to create the Earth six thousand years ago, and moreover that it is round, are trivially ignorant and heretical. He betrays the shallowness of his theological understanding with the sentence: "Look, you drooling idiots, we can see across [...]
Atheists enthusiastically endorse Abbott’s Bible study proposal
HECK ON EARTH, Warringah, Sunday (NTN) — Australian atheists have strongly endorsed Liberal leader Tony Abbott's plans to make Bible study compulsory in schools. "Nothing but nothing makes people leave the church faster than actually reading the Bible." Mr Abbott's proposal was so that children would have a fundamental understanding of [...]
